October 27, 2010

Down and Out, but not Undone

Well, today is my BIG day, and I am excited to meet with the second tier interview committee at Phoenix College. I am so hopeful that this will be IT, that I will be offered this job, and that I will be able to move out and be established as my own person (single person). God has been so Good to me, and so Faithful -- He has promised me such sweet reward for obedience and for trusting Him through these last difficult months. I have struggled mightily, and I have fallen on my face a number of times; but, He has always remained there with me, picking me back up, dusting me off, and setting my feet back down on the path. Just like a good Parent, God does this for us -- He walks along side of us, and then behind us, helping us when we stumble and fall. He is there, hand at the ready to grasp us so our feet do not slip ("I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me." ~Psalm 94:18 NLT). He never allows us to tumble down, but is always there supporting us and reminding us that it is OK, we can trust Him, we can rely on Him. Yes, Lord, you are RELIABLE and TRUSTWORTHY! I give you all the Praise for you are Worthy to be Praised today! Hallelujah, Amen!

I am on the brink, so to speak, of walking into my new life. This is a life I never thought possible nor did I actually ever think about it at all. I assumed I would be married and that my life would revolve around my husband (and children) and his career. I would be a SAHM, who worked part-time to help when needed. I would be a home school Mother, who baked and crafted and did all the homey things I loved to do (garden, crafts, sewing, etc.) I didn't see myself as a career woman, as self-sufficient and independent from her husband. No, I didn't even consider that my life might, out of necessity, turn this way. Yet, it has turned this way, and here I am. I am not undone; though, I have been sorely tested and tried. I am not overwhelmed; though; at times I felt like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I am not afraid, even when it appeared bleak and dark and oh-so unfriendly at times. No, I am calm, and at peace, and I am filled with joy. I have all these things, these feelings and emotions and senses because of my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. My relationship with the Lord has enabled me to sustain myself through the deepest and darkest emotional turmoil, through the difficult days of misunderstanding, and through the long hard nights of longing and suffering. Yes, the Lord has sustained me, and He has been my Friend and constant Companion. He has touched me in such a way that I am able to walk out today, consider interviewing for a highly selective job opportunity, and realize the potentional of His Goodness and His Will. "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." ~Phil. 4:13

New Days and New Ways are on the Horizon

It is very possible that today, after my interview, I will come home fully employed by Phoenix College. It is possible that I may come home still waiting, but I am trusting the Lord that He will provide an answer to me, so that I don't have to wait any longer (Yea or Nay, one way or the other -- Please, Lord?)

I may walk out of that interview and be a free woman, a woman who is gainfully employed and who can now fend for herself (under the Lord's Banner of Provision, of course). I may come home and be able to sit down with my husband and discuss calmly and matter of factly the terms of our separation. I have not been able to do this because I was not in a position to even do so -- there was no provision for separation so I was not able to offer any concrete deadlines or even consider options. This may be resolved now, and I have to consider what it is that I want to say to him. He has been living with us for nearly one year since I found out about his infidelity and his ongoing relationship with his cousin and old college girlfriend. These relationships have ebbed and flowed, but they have never ceased to exist (in more than a year). He maintains that they are just friends, but I consider them a continued walk in adultery. A man who engages in relationship outside of marriage, then discontinues, then renews it -- repeatedly -- is not someone who is interested in fidelity at all. He has renewed relationships, maintained friendships with these women even after the counselor said to stop them, even after I asked (begged, pleaded, and demanded), and even now -- in our home, while both my son and I remained in close contact with him (in the same room). I have had to put up with this behavior, this attitude, this unwillingness to bend to the pressure and conviction of the Holy Spirit for too long now. I am done, I am ready, and I want out.

I sit here and I blog every day about my emotional status, about how I am feeling today, and about what God is doing in my life. This blog is my catharsis -- my release -- my life written out (warts and all) for others to see. I do it for myself mostly, but I know that God has a greater purpose in mind, and that someday someone will find my blog and read about my journey and they will find encouragement and hope. They may come to Christ or they may come to rely on Him more -- either way, my heart and my soul are posted for all the world to see, and my prayer is that my words may comfort someone who is going through similar circumstances.

So then, what exactly do I want to happen today? Just this: I am waiting (have been waiting) for a full-time job, one that will pay enough money per month for me to live on my own. My husband cannot provide for us at all. I have had to pay about half the bills the past several months (on my Macy's pittance). Our mortgage was not paid this month at all, and our lender is upset (as he should be). The electric company came out to shut our power off the other day (twice in one month), the gas company already shut the service off last week. I paid for the gas company reconnection fee, and I paid the restoral fee to the electric company earlier in the month. Our Internet has been shut off, and our cell phones on the brink. My income which amounts to $600 (on a good month) from Macy's and $500 gift from my Uncle, has been used to pay for our bills, buy all our food, purchase my husbands medicine, as well as pay for miscellaneous expenses (car, gas, music, school, etc.)

In short, God has used the small amount I have earned each month to keep our "boat afloat." My husband works as a contractor for several individuals (all women, go figure that one out), and they pay him monthly for his sales training or marketing service. If they were to pay him correctly (what he says they pay him), then he should have $2K coming in each month. However, this must not be the case, because he didn't have enough money to pay the mortgage ($800) this month. He is not putting any money in the bank, and on Friday, that bank was closed by the FDIC. All money he had in it was seized by the government (said to reimburse depositors soon). Therefore, my question is this: if $2k is coming in (which would be enough to cover all our bills and expenses), then $2k must be going out. Yet, where is it going? I don't see it. It is not covering us, but only paying for a fraction of the overall cost. In rational and logical thinking this says to me one of two things are happening here: 1) there is less money coming in than what is being reported; or 2) there is money being spent on things other than home/life (though I see no example of them). My gut tells me that my husband has been lying to me (go figure) about how much money he is actually making. I think he is making about $750 a month on one new client only. His other clients either have dropped him or are having financial problems and are not paying him for his services. It would not be unthinkable -- he has done this before -- to work for free just to keep the business. The problem is that he works for free, and we starve. Yes, this has been the pattern of his life for the past 28 years, and I am now convinced, for ever. He will not change, he will not get another job, he will not do what he must because he is quite content to have someone like me be there for him.

The problem is that I am tired of "being there" for a man who doesn't respect me or my son, and doesn't work to provide for us. Furthermore, I am tired of living in the same house with a man who thinks nothing of downloading pornography, seeking women for friendship and other, and who continues to converse with women he has been in illicit/sexual relationship with -- all while he eats my food, sleeps under my roof, and enjoys the blessings of our support. No, I am done, and I am walking away from this man now.

Dear Lord,

I am ready to walk away. I am ready to accept your gift of financial provision, and with it the knowledge that I will need to leave my home. I am ready to move to another home, preferrably one that is available soon. I know you will provide enough income so that we (me and my son) can move out, establish service, and begin to build our life new. I ask now in Jesus' Name for your provision, and for your Grace to accept the job that is offered to me today. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

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