October 30, 2010

Exhaustion

I came home last night after a visit to my cousin's house (for pizza and Guitar Hero) and collapsed on the bed. I was tired when I went over to her house, and after dinner, started to fall asleep on her comfy chair (a very squishy chair in her family room). By the time I made it home, I was half-asleep already. I came in the house, dumped my belongings, and headed for the bedroom. I thought I would just close my eyes for a quick rest (at 8:45) and instead I found myself getting up at 12:00 a.m. to change out of my clothes. I got back in bed, and slept through until the morning.

In addition to being so tired, I also experienced a pinched nerve in my shoulder. I got up around 5:00 a.m. to feed the cats and was barely able to even move my arm. I went back to bed after some Advil and ice, and the pain finally subsided after a couple hours.

I have to work today, so I am not looking forward to it. I hope the Advil holds out for me. I also have to work tomorrow -- and hopefully by Monday, will receive my call from the District telling me that they want to hire me at Phoenix College. Oh, Please Lord -- let this be your will!

Exhaustion or fatigue comes in two types: there is physical fatigue which is usually a symptom of over exercising the muscles; or there is mental fatigue which often causes sleepiness (my symptom). Both can affect your life, and can hinder your ability to function normally.

I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and have had bouts of it for nearly 20 years. Most of the time the fatigue has been physical, where I suffered great pain, and was incapable of doing anything at all. This time around, my fatigue is mental. I am able to function physically, but I am just no longer able to maintain concentration or focus. I am not sure if this is a symptom of my past year or if it is indicative of something more pronounced. In either way, I am concerned about my ability to work full-time, go to graduate school, and maintain a life (do the normal stuff necessary to live).

The Lord has assured me that I am fine, and that I can do whatever He needs me to do. Therefore, I must look at my life and determine what is not of His will, and what I might be doing that is contrary to the plans He has for me. In these things, whether just one or many, I have to allow the Holy Spirit to remove them from my life. I no longer have the time or the energy or the interest to maintain anything outside of His will for me. I can only manage to focus on His things, on what He wants for me, and the rest must be let loose. I am ready to do this now, because I know that I am about to begin work, and I need to do a good job (for the Lord and for my new employer). I am getting As in school, and I must continue to do that as well. I am ready Lord, take everything away from me that is pulling my attention off of you and your work. I am willing, and I am agreeable to doing only those things ordained by you and for your Glory.

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