October 17, 2010

Living Still

It's Sunday, and it is a beautiful day in sunny Phoenix, Arizona. The sun is just starting to rise, and the temperatures are supposed to be pleasant (which for us is probably in the upper 80s). It is comfortable to wear jeans and tee shirts, even though many people still are in shorts and tank tops. I am looking forward to fallish temps so that I can start wearing my sweatshirts. I just like fall, and even though we don't have the falling leaves and change of colors, we still have some semblance of a change of seasons.

I worked a full-shift at Macy's yesterday, and I came home with my feet swollen and aching. Even with my good Dr. Scholl's clogs, my feet still took a beating. I ended up on the chair and ottoman, feet propped up, and Advil in hand. It took about eight hours for my feet and lower legs to stop throbbing. The pain is awful, and there is nothing I can do about it. It seems to begin at the bottom of my arch (right before your heel). This is the area that seems to take the pressure from standing all day. I know it has to do with my alignment issues, and with the way that I walk (my hip hurts as well). Well, after standing all day, and working very hard (doing go-backs and recovery), I was worn out. I went to be at 10:30 and got up about 4:30 to feed the cats. By then, I actually could walk out to the kitchen. This morning my feet are still sore, but I can walk better. My back still aches, and my hip is sore whenever I walk -- oh well, I guess that is what happens when you are older and working in retail.

On a high note (hip hip hooray!), today is my Dad's birthday. My birthday is tomorrow, so we are going to have a family dinner/celebration today. My cousin, who recently moved from the Washington, DC area, has invited us to her home for dinner. It should be very nice, and I am sure the dinner will be great (she is a great cook!)

Plans for this morning include church (of course) and then study time with dear Mr. Chaucer. I have to read The Wife of Bath's Tale and a journal article on said subject. Then I have to finish my 5-page paper, and a short 1-page response paper. I have until Tuesday to get it finished, but I am hoping to turn everything by tomorrow evening (after I get back from Macy's -- 4-9 p.m. shift). It will be a full two days for me, but I am ready for it. We are in week 6 of school, and only have 9 more weeks to go!

I also received my notice from Mercy that my financial aid only needs my signature on the promissory note, and I am good to go! This is a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I have been getting invoices from them, and the Lord kept saying that it would be OK. Then yesterday, I get my letter, and truthfully -- it is OK. He is so Good to me like that, always making sure I understand that things will be OK. I wish I would trust Him more and not worry so much, but alas I do it all the time. I promised Him I would do better, and that is what I am going to do. In His Grace I can do it, I know I can. God is Good.

My DH has spent the last two nights at his mom's home. I have a feeling that this is going to be a regular thing now. She is not able to do anything at all, and even though the Dr.s have told her that they can find nothing wrong, she is unable to get out of bed. I think it is a breakdown of sorts, a combination of mental and physical inability to go on. I think she has given up, and decided that the only way she can stop having to deal with the trouble in her life is to force other people to do it for her. This has been coming down the pike, and she has given hints that she was headed this way. Unfortunately, what my inlaws really need is assisted living, and apparently this is not doable given their financial situation. We have suggested moving in with my husband's sister (who is willing), but for some reason, this is not acceptable to them either. So the gauntlet has fallen on my DH who seems to be willing to go and live at his parents house. I am not sure if this is temporary or permanent, but it is what is today.

As for me, this brings up an interesting scenario. I still don't have confirmation on the Phoenix College job, but I am hopeful that I will hear something this week. If I get this job, then my DH is more than welcome to move into his parents home (he is welcome to do that now, if that is what he wants to do). I will be able to take care of all the bills associated with this home once I am working in this job. If the job doesn't come to pass, then there is no way for me to live on my own in this home. My hope is in the Lord, and I believe this is the job He has in mind for me. I need to wait patiently on PC -- they will let me know one way or another -- of that I am certain.

I know what you are thinking -- why don't you move his parents in with you? Two reasons: the first, we don't have enough room (our home is barely 1000 SQFT with the addition of our carport add-on, and extra 400). The second reason, albeit more important, I do not want it to be so (and neither does the Lord). The relationship I have shared with my MIL for the past 28 years has been one of manipulator/controller (not me), and I have finally learned how to set fixed boundaries with her. I am at a distance now and it is to remain that way (through prayer and trusting the Lord, I know that this is best). Moreover, given our marriage and such, the mere fact that his mother is a major contributor to our problems -- well, there is just no way this could work. It is not of the Lord's will for my life, and therefore, it will not be.

I am praying now for resolution in the conflict, and not just for agreement, but for completion. I am resolved that this is what will be for my life, so now I just want to get on with it. It has been over a year since my husband told me he didn't want to remain married to me. I have patiently waited for him to move out, to pursue divorce, or simply to stop looking elsewhere (as in women). It has not happened -- any of it -- and I have lived in limbo land since then. I have worked hard to repair my health, my self-image, and get plans in order; but I have not been able to move out or move on because of the job market. I have had to endure this unknown situation for a year, and I am ready for it to end. One way or another, I need it to end.

The Lord knows how hard I have tried to work through this, how I have come to terms with my marriage ending, and how I have tried to make the best of a very challenging situation. I have done it all for His Name and His Glory, and I have suffered much agony and sorrow. In return, He has given me peace, and His grace, and I am content to be where I am right now. I am happy, truly happy, and I am moving forward spiritually/emotionally/mentally even if I am physically standing still. It is weird how that works, but often this is what the Lord does. Before He moves you physically, He gets you ready mentally. He helps establish you emotionally, and then works on your spiritual growth and development. Once everything is in order and you are SET, then and only then will He move you physically. In my case, I had believed it was to make a physical move to another town/state. Now, it has been determined that I can simply move here in Phoenix. I wasn't able to think about staying in Phoenix last month, but now I can imagine it. God is Good that way. He gives us time to process things so that we can accept them.

This is where I am now:
  • I can contemplate living in the same city with my DH, just not the same home
  • I can deal with his parents in a kind and compassionate way without having an intimate relationship
  • I can take care of myself here, find a job, find a home, etc.
  • I can remain faithful to my church community and be a part of it even if my DH remains there as well
  • In short -- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

I can do whatever is needed, whatever is asked, and whatever must be because it is Christ in me who works all things out for my good. God is so Good to me.

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