October 31, 2010

Out of Sorts

I am up this morning, and it is only 6:19 am. I woke up naturally, which is really unusual; but then I had a fitful nights sleep (strange dreams, and feeling unwell all night). I don't think I slept well at all, so when Ike started crying (more of a chuurrping noise), I just decided to get up and feed him. Once I was up, then I figured I would make my coffee -- well -- and here I am.

It is quiet in the house. My DH moved to the bedroom, and it is just me and the boys now. I don't know when DS came home last night. I went to bed at about 8:30, and didn't hear him come in. He was acting in our neighborhood "Haunted House," sort of a dark place where there are creepy things set about to scare Trick or Treaters. Our neighbors have put on this Halloween treat for about 10 years. This is the last because their middle son, Dakota (my son's friend) is graduating from high school this year (in May). My son has been the creepy guy dressed in black for the past couple years. He uses his Batman voice and gets most girls and some of the guys to scream. I am not "in to" this sort of thing, but I remember doing it when I was his age, so I guess it is just part of growing up. At the least, he will have some fun memories. The family who puts it on has very strict rules for who can walk through the house, and what can and cannot happen. They are a nice family so I haven't minded my son being a part of this yearly program.

I woke up several times in the night with bad visions, but was able to get back to sleep. I also had one very long dream, weird and strange (can it be both), but think I did rest some in between my fits and feeling ill. I am not sure what is going on, but I think some of it has to do with my work at Macy's (just dog tired), and also my heavy monthy cycle. I am generally run down and I just don't feel well. I have to work today so that adds more to the "I really feel awful" feeling, kwim?

Today, I feel like someone who has stepped outside, and suddenly realized she is in the wrong place. I don't feel like I am in control nor do I feel like I recognize anything around me. It is as if everything has changed or I have changed or I am looking in the wrong direction. I asked the Lord if I was off the mark, and He said "no." This means that I am where I belong or I am going through a really difficult trial, a trial unlike any before. I am not sure what to do about the latter -- so I have prayed it through, asked for Grace, and am trusting Him to reveal His purpose to me. Why now? Why this way? Why me?

I am so undone right now, and perhaps that is exactly why the timing is as it is. I mean, if you are going to be tried, why not do it when you are your lowest, most vunerable (devil's advocate as they say)? I think this is exactly what it is, and perhaps it is the "calm before the storm" or the "dark point right before the light comes up?" I don't know why I feel the way I do, I just feel it, and I want it to stop. I am so tired, mentally tired. I am so worn out (undone, through, feeling as though I cannot go on). I don't want to go on, I want to stop now.

Dear Lord,

I don't want to go on any further. I want to stop now. I don't think I can go on -- not at this point -- not when I feel myself failing. I need your help today, and I need to know what you want me to do. Trust me, you say -- yet, I think I am trusting you. I need help to trust you through this mess. I need your help. Please help me, Lord -- please help me. In Jesus' Name I pray today and always, Amen.

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