I am up, finally! It is 8:10 a.m., and I am sitting here with coffee in hand, and blogging. I actually think I slept some -- in between a passel of awful dreams. Nothing scary, just the kind where you get really angry or try to say something and either you cannot (you have no voice) or the person you are speaking to, isn't listening to you. It was this way with me -- all night long, and I am beat. I do not like the kind of dreams where you get angry, but I think they are symptomatic of deeper issues within my subconscience.
I know my brain, and I know a little bit about how our brains work. My dreams seem to always point to something going on in my life, some unresolved tension or issue that is not being address during my waking hours. When I sleep, my mind says, "Finally, she is asleep. Now she will let go and let me show her what is going on!" I don't know if my mind really says that (from conscience to subconscience), but I like to think it does. I know that my dreams often are the result of wanting or needing control, and either having it and needing to release it; or of lacking control and desparately desiring to acquire it. It is one way or the other, I am either wanting to be in control or I am trying not to lose control of something.
I think in my case, the latter is probably truest most of the time. I think I am trying to hold on to something or someone when I know I must let the thing or person go. I cannot control my outcome, my life, or my family (those closest to me); yet, I attempt to do so (even if just internally). The Lord allows my mind to be touched in this way so that I listen, and I then understand what must be done. I am no longer in control of anything in my life -- He is -- and by allowing Him control, He is able to move and change and sort me as He desires and requires. I have given Him this authority, but there is a part of me that grabs hold, especially whenever I am in a dark and lonely place. When the lights go out, I am most afraid (not literally, but figuratively). It is when I am faced with the unknown, that big scary UNKNOWN, that I freak out and grab hold of whatever is right in front of me. The Lord is telling me that I must let go, and let Him guide me, even when it is darkest and most frightening for me. I must do it at this point because I cannot see five feet in front of me. I must trust THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD to illuminate my way at this point.
I have failed to trust Him when I needed to do it most, and I have suffered somewhat as a result. My dreams were all scenarios where I was lost or with people who were not following the plan or proposed path. I was trying to get them to listen to me, to follow the plan, but they would not do it. I yelled, I got mad, and I pleaded -- but to no avail. They would not follow, and I walked away. I was mad and I was lost. I was all alone (once I was with my son). I woke up feeling as though I had spent the entire night shouting, which I really did -- even if only in my mind. I am tired, but I am also fully aware of my mistake, fully aware of what I didn't do, and fully aware of what I must do.
Yesterday, our Pastor reminded us of our spiritual journey when he quoted the Apostle Paul:
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Phil. 13:14 NLT
He was speaking personally, of how he often gets distracted from the calling God has given to him. Oh how I relate! I get distracted too, and I tend to enjoy it, to like being pulled off the mark (for a time.) Yet, after a bit, I realized that something is not quite right, and I go to God and ask Him what is wrong in my life. He often tells me, but I think last night He gave me a visual reminder, a story of sorts, to help me get the point. I have allowed the various aspects of my life (the dailiness, the difficulties, and the distress) to pull me off my mission, to reset my focus from the goal He has laid before me. I have failed to "press on" and I am sitting quietly by wondering what happened to me.
The answer is, of course, to just press on. I must get up and start walking in the direction He has shown me, and I must not get distracted from His purpose for my life. I must "keep on keeping on."
I pray this now in Jesus' Name: Lord, help me to press on toward the heavenly calling, fulfilling my mission and purpose here on Earth. Let me not be distracted from your plan, and let me not give up or give in. I must press on, so I ask for the Grace today to do just that -- to "keep on keeping on". I ask this now and trust you to provide exactly what I need this day. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.