November 9, 2010

Finally, Feeling Good Again

I feel good today. I actually felt pretty good yesterday too. I had a very hard and long day at Macy's, and my legs and feet hurt afterwards (all through the night). Yesterday, I was stiff most of the day, but overall I FELT really good. Today has been good all around, and I am getting the sense that everything is as it should be. I cannot really explain it any other way then to say that I FEEL like I am doing the Lord's will, and I FEEL like everything is good.

I know that I have been doing the Lord's will for some time now -- I mean -- if you are out of His will, it feels pretty crappy. Everything is off, everything seems to be wrong, and you just know it. Often, you stand around looking like you are lost, and you know you are lost -- then suddenly -- something happens to shake you loose and you see where you are, where you stumbled off the path, and you see what needs to be done. I have been there so many times, and some days it felt like I was living out there -- in the wilderness. Other times, it was just a quick diversion off the path, acknowleding I mis-stepped, and then a quick retreat and back to the well-worn path of His Will.

I don't like being off the mark. I don't like the way I feel, and I am a very feely person. I place a lot of emphasis on my emotional state, and I spend a great deal of time analyzing my emotions to check and see if I am OK (or things are OK). Some people are rational and logical; I am emotional. I always have been this way, ever since I was a child (I can hear my relatives saying to me, "Carol, you are such an emotional child." Usually it was in response to some perceived injustice that sent me crying to my room!) For a long while, I thought I was logical and very rational. I thought I was totally in control of my emotions, and that I was OK. But, the truth be told, I was not OK, and I wasn't in control at all. No; rather, I had suppressed my emotions and put on a mask that said "I am in control." Yet, inside I was literally suffocating under the weight of all that presumed control. Now, that I am no longer in control (or trying to be), and living under His Control, I am free to be me. This means that I can be the super sensitive person I am, and not be ashamed of it. I am sensitive, I am emotional, and I feel things very, very deeply. I am OK with that, and I like the way that I am.

I blogged yesterday about my class in 18th century British Literature. I love this period in history -- the poetry is so emotional and moving. I am in awe of the men and women who write such beautiful poems expressing their love for God and nature, their views on man, on morality (good and evil), and ultimately heaven. Yes, I am an emotionalist, moralist, and a poetry lover!

This leads me to the point of this post. I am not sure why I am finally feeling good. I actually have some sort of stomach disorder right now, and I am not physically feeling great. I am OK, as in doing fine -- but not 100% over the moon feeling great, kwim? Yet, somewhere deep inside of me there is this feeling bubbling up that is giving me the impression that everything is OK-DOKIE. I just feel G-R-E-A-T as Tony the Tiger would say it! I feel awesome inside, and it is starting to bubble out over me.

I can only think of One person who can make another person feel so GREAT and that is God Almighty. I can only think of One person who can change another person so deeply, so completely that they FEEL swell and that is the Precious Holy Spirit of God. In all of this, God is praised and honored because I know that He has done this for me. He has taken what was all mixed up, broken and shattered, and He turned it into something wonderful, something beautiful. God has done this for me, and I am in awe of Him.

As I sit here typing on the computer, I still have no real understanding of what I am to do (after January 2011). I will, of course, continue with graduate school and work towards completing my MA in 2012. Lord willing, I will finish all my courses by next December, and then spend one semester writing my thesis and be done. PTL, I will be done!

As far as work is concerned, I have a job now (Macy's) and that is all that I have going for me. I have interviewed twice with the MCCCD and Phoenix College, but no final word has come to tell me I have that job. The longer this takes, the more I will not take the job (being that it was short-term, 1 year, and now 6 months is gone). I have applied for several more jobs at the MCCCD as well as with Apple, Inc. The other companies I tried to get into never contacted me at all, so I have not pursued them any further. Nope, it is either MCCCD or Apple, and I don't know which one will "bite" first (pun intended). My interest in Apple is through their corporate division (I tried retail and was rejected). Perhaps they are a closed door as well, but at the least, I am not giving up on them yet. I like the jobs they are hiring for, they suit me, and I could do them. Will they give me a look? I just don't know. I do know this -- if God determines that Apple is the place for me, then they will give me a second look. They will call me or contact me via email and start the process. God is in control, and no one really says NO to Him (of course, they do all the time, but they don't know what they are doing, and they will eventually regret turning Him down). The Word says that "if God is for us, then who can be against us?" I believe this literally. God is for me getting a job, therefore no one or no company will turn Him down. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

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