I sit here today, trying to figure out what is what. I mean, I am trying to understand the significance of the past couple of days. First of all, I about killed myself working a four day shift. Secondly, just when I thought I was at the lowest point financially, the Lord brings me a gift of a refund check from my college financial aid package. This check amounts to about five months of mortgage payments, so it is a significant amount. Thirdly, I am overwhelmed by God's graciousness, and the way in which He has helped me understand His plans for my life. And, lastly, I am pondering the future and thinking "how can I NOT trust you, Lord?"
Sigh, yet I find myself not trusting Him again. I find myself questioning His Integrity, and His Will, and thinking that once again, God doesn't really have it all together, kwim? It is like, He really doesn't control everything, so I am back to thinking, "well, this might happen or this may come to pass." Yet, God has said "it will be done." He has said, "My will be done," and that means that in no uncertain terms, God's will will come to pass. There is no if, buts or what's -- it is simply, done.
Why do I do this? And, why do I not believe even after He has done everything for me? It is my human flesh, yes, this I know. Still, I don't want it to be this way. I want to believe. I want to have faith. I want to be steadfast, and wait for Him.
Today, you have done so much for me. I finished my Group 3 article review, and completed all my assignments (for my one class). I have until tomorrow to finish up my reading and assignments for my second class. I have to work tonight, but I am there just three hours, so my feet and back should be OK. I am doing well, yet, I still don't believe. Help my unbelief, please! I ask this in Jesus' Name, Amen.