November 12, 2010

I Cannot Go On

Today has been incredibly difficult. First off, I am struggling just to keep my head above water, and I am feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances. I don't know why, all of a sudden, this has happened, but I am as undone as I possibly can be. I mean, throughout the past year, God has held me steady, keeping me from being swept out to sea; and yet, today I feel as though I am lost and set adrift admist the turmoil of turbulent waters. What have I done? What can I do? Where do I go from here?

Our house is in perilous condition. We have been late on our payments too many times this year, and are once again, sitting here without the money to pay the mortgage. Our lender is a person, and he is generally disagreeable and unpleasant. I have had several emails from him and even though I have tried to be nice, he simply refuses to do the same. He always accuses me of not taking responsibility and of not being on top of things -- like I am stupid or something. I have had this run in with his wife as well -- but that was when my DH was in the neurological hospital after having a major stroke. I was undone then, and she arrived at my house with her thug of a son to threaten me into paying them. I cried, as I should have, because I didn't know if my husband was going to live that day. Since then both her and her husband have fired that shot at me -- that somehow I am a stupid woman who doesn't know what is going on. I don't like it, I don't like being blamed for things that are not my fault, and I don't like the tone they take with me.

So here we are in the same boat again, with them harrassing me (and not my DH) and I am angry at the situation. I have no money to pay them, so they are intimiating me because they think they can get away with it. They cannot beat my husband because he just ignores them. I am kind and I am thoughtful, so they attack me. I hate it. I am done with them, with this house, and with all the crap that goes along with this life. I want a new life, I have been praying for one, and yet, here I sit without any hope, without any way out, and without any money that can solve this crisis.

Why Lord? Why do you refuse to help me? Why must I sit here again, taking all this crap on me, and having to put up with accusations that are not even close to true? Why must I suffer like this? I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't hurt anyone. I haven't walked away from my commitment to my marriage. Yet, I am getting screwed left and right, and there is nothing I can do but stand here and take it. It is not fair, Lord. It is not fair.

Dear Lord,

I know the answer. You don't have to answer me because I know exactly what is happening. I am suffering unjustly for wrongs committed by other people. I am being crucified, just as you were, so that I conform to your suffering. This is your will for your people, your children. I don't like it, being helpless, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can only take it, as you did, and trust in the One who is able to handle everything on my behalf. I will do my best Lord, knowing always that your Grace is sufficient. Please Lord -- help me? Please come and rescue me today and make a way out for me. In Jesus' Name I ask this -- Amen.

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