November 13, 2010

Interesting Stuff

I just checked on Ike, and he is doing just fine. He found a dark, quiet spot under the bed, and is resting comfortably. I laid down on the floor, and he came over and laid next to me. He is the sweetest cat, and he loves to be petted. He just laid there while I stroked his head, and told him that he would feel better tomorrow. I am thankful that this is over. He has been neutered properly (my fears stem from Gus' poor job which left him injured and never quite right). Ike is OK, and he will be OK in a couple days. I am relieved, and I am happy that this will be the last cat I will have to have altered.

The rest of my day has been so-so. I have pretty much sat on the sofa and watched TV all day. I don't know, I guess I just didn't feel like doing much of anything. I have school work to complete, quite a bit, but I am tired and out of sorts. I am struggling to understand what is going on right now, and I am trying very hard to keep everything in order.

My Mom told me that she had an "episode" yesterday. This usually means a "spell" of some sort. That's the old fashioned way of saying that something happened yesterday, and she wasn't at all well. She had gone to have her hair done, and her stylist commented that she looked very pale. She then proceeded to almost faint, and today, she said she just feels "off." We checked her blood pressure and it was higher than normal. She is on medication, but she tends to have high BP when she gets under stress. She is stressed of course. I have dropped hints that I might have to move away, and I think this in combination with my Dad's poor health has added extra pressure on her. She is worried about their finances (so is my Dad), and they are in a tentative position right now. I simply think my announcement that I would have to move away was too much for her. I am not sure -- it might have simply been her heart or other unrelated health condition. Nevertheless, I feel guilty about it, and I am now wondering if I am at fault.

God has been distant. I hate to admit it, but I have not had a real clear reading on anything in a very long while. I mean I feel like I am in this fog, and that what was once clear, is now just a muddled mess. I don't know how this happened, and I don't know what I did -- but I did it, of that I am sure. I did something, and here I sit in this awful place, not knowing what to do, and not wanting to do anything for fear I will mess things up all the more.

The funny thing is this: I really feel as though I haven't done anything at all. I mean -- nothing, nada, zip. I feel like the past twelve months have been a period of standing still. I haven't made one move towards independence at all. I have a PT job (as of July), and I do have my car. I have made progress with college for my son, and I am doing Ok in my courses. However, I still live in my home, with my husband, and I complain every day about the environment. I want this to be over, but I don't do anything to make that happen. I am sitting here waiting for him -- AGAIN! This is what I did earlier in the year, I sat and waited for him to leave. He didn't. He has not made one move towards leaving, yet he clearly is not interested in any marital relationship with me. I think he wants a roommate who will pay half the bills. He asks me all the time about my money situation, like "when will you get paid?" That is it -- that is our relationship, purely fraternal, and then not even very familial.

I have asked the Lord again and again what is happening, why this is so, and what I need to do. His reply is always to trust Him, which I do -- but nothing ever changes. I went back through my blog tonight and re-read some older posts. I think I have stop moving forward, and stopped doing everything again. I think I am just waiting around for something or someone to rescue me. Why do I do this all the time? Why do I just wait to be rescued?

Dear Lord,

No one is coming to save me, not from this life, not from these circumstances. I guess it is up to me to make the change, up to me to do something about it. I don't know what to do. You have shown me jobs, you have shown me houses, you have told me what to do -- but I was waiting for you to alter time, move things around, and make such and such happen. I don't get what I am to do now. Am I to wait for you to do this, to rescue me or am I to walk out and boldly start fighting this battle? Tell me please Lord so I can do what you ask. In Jesus' Name, help me this day. Amen.

2 comments:

Helen in NZ said...

Hi Carol,

Just wanted to say that I'm praying for you and thinking of you at this time.

Carol Hepburn said...

Thank you, Helen!