Well, I finally got a letter from Phoenix College telling me that I wasn't selected for the Alumni/Community Relations position. It only took one month for them to get back to me with notice that I was not selected. Overall, I spent about five months pursuing that position, and interviewed twice, the last with the college President. I guess it wasn't meant to be, which is so frustrating because the committee basically told me that I had the job (overwhelming me with compliments and kindness demonstrating how pleased they were with my interview). I just don't get it, really. If you are not going to select me as candidate, then just say some nice things and leave it at that -- instead they just went overboard with the affirmation and it threw me for a loop. Oh well, this job was for one year only, and the person who was selected will only have 4-5 months before they will have to look again. It was not God's will for me, so I will just keep on looking.
It is frustrating, though. I have applied so many times now that I just don't think I can do it anymore. I cannot just sit at home, that is for certain; but, what do I do? I have applied for jobs I don't want to get as well as for jobs I would love to have -- nothing seems to be working. I am simply not good at this job hunting business. I am trusting the Lord, but that doesn't seem to be producing any results at all. Yes, He did help me get a couple interviews, and I believe this was to get me comfortable with the interview process. I just don't know what to do next, I mean, how many more jobs must I apply to and then not be considered as qualified? I am tired, I am angry, and I am worn down. I don't want to do this anymore.
In fact, I am just tired with life, in general. The Lord tells me that my life is good right now, that it is not as bleak and hopeless as it appears. I know that from His Grand View, this is true; but from my view, well, it is pretty bleak and hopeless. How many more job applications must I submit, Lord, to only be rejected? I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I have it in me.
Of course, He knows best, and He knows how dissapointed I am to not have gotten hired at PC. Truthfully, I didn't even want that job -- but it was the only job I came close to getting, and that smacks me harder than all the jobs I longed for and never heard a word back on. It hurts when you get really close, and then have the door slammed shut ("not interested, not qualified, not chosen.") Ouch!
People who are employed don't understand how awful it is to be out of work for more than a year. They don't think it is that bad out there. In Phoenix, the average time of unemployment is 2 years. I will be going on that mark come 2011. I will be unemployed for over a year, considering that in 2009, I worked half-time only. I didn't work at all in 2010 (only Macy's), and even in 2008, my business was slowly shrinking to 3/4 time. This has been a slow and long and painful decline, and I am now in a situation where I cannot get hired by any firm. I am undesirable on the basis that I am over qualified or under qualified, over educated or under educated, or simply my skin color or ethnicity is the wrong type (yes AA is still in swing in many, many companies -- if I were Hispanic, I would get a job). I am white, European, and female -- an almost 50. I am an Albatross that no one wants hanging around their neck. Ugh!
Ok, I am depressing myself here, so I better stop it. I am depressed, that is for certain. I have hope in God, but I really don't have a lot of faith right now. I just don't know what to do. I am working my body to death at Macy's, and I am living off the blessing/gift the Lord provided to me from my financial aid package. I can live on this, but not if I were to move out or move away. No, to do either, I have to have a real job, a job that pays steady income. This leaves me smack-dab where I am, living in my home, struggling to make ends meet, and having no certainty about anything. I am still in limbo, and I hate it. I hate it.
Furthermore, I have been officially sanctioned by my husband's family, and I am to not have any contact with my MIL (from my SIL). I guess speaking the truth caused the family to pull in the ranks and circle the wagons. I was cast off, kicked out, and told that I had no part in the family at all. It has been hard on me, even though I am angry at their behavior and actions. It has been difficult to be nice, and to do the right thing. I don't want to be nice right now. I don't want to do the right thing. I want to scream at them and tell them how childish they are behaving, and how mean-spirited they are acting. I want to remind them that it is not Christ-like, and that I have done nothing wrong (except choose to place my needs above that of my MIL -- my offense -- not going to see her weekly while she has been ill at home). I had explained this to my MIL back in July. I had told her that once graduate school and work began for me, I would not be able to go to see her and help her during the week anymore. I said I would be happy to do what I could for her and my FIL, as I was able; but that my availability would be limited. I clearly explained this twice -- each time I sat with her for hours in the Emergency Room. I told her that I was not the person to be her care giver full-time (I never have been, and I never said I would -- this is what she has wanted from me for nearly 28 years, to be her personal assistant). I said no, and I was kicked out of the family. Of course, this is not how they see it. They see it this way: that I caused incredible shame on the family by saying I would divorce my husband for his infidelity. Moreover, I caused shame by not admitting that all of this was my fault -- all of it -- that I was to blame for my marriage failure and that I was to blame for all their heartache, pain and suffering. Generally, I have been the cog in their wheel for almost 30 years and they are glad to be rid of me.
Now, that may not all be true; but that is how it FEELS to me. It hurts to be told you are to not have contact with a family member. It hurts to be called names, and then told you are offensive. It hurts to be treated like this when all you have done is tried to be kind and nice. It is Persecution 101, and it is hard to handle. Then toss in the fact that my life is shredded apart, with only threads holding it together, and I have no way to provide for myself -- well -- you can see where I am right now. It sucks, and I don't like it. I am depressed, I am angry, and I am hurt. I want the pain to stop, and I want it all to end.
Yet, the Lord has not chosen to remove me from this trial. He has not ended my suffering nor has He provided a way out (directly). He has told me what to do, where to go; but He has not provided the source of income to get me there. There is no job waiting for me in Chicago. There is no job here in Phoenix. There is just more of the same crap, more of the same harsh, heavy, and horrible suffering. I am tired, and I want to go home. I want this to end, but I don't see any way out for me. I just see more of the same, more of the same old crap, and I don't think I can go through anymore crap. I need a way out now. I need to know there is hope.
I think I am at the end of my rope (finally). I know I have said that to you before, but I still trudged on. I really am at the end right now. I really feel as though I have had enough, and that I cannot take anymore. I need you to rescue me, to lift me out of this pit, and provide for me. I want to move away, to run away, to go anywhere else -- just to be free from this stress. Yet, I know that running away is not always the best choice. I believe it is your choice for me -- but how can I go without a job? How can I do anything without steady employment? How much longer must I wait for you to rescue me? How much longer must I wait? I ask in Jesus' Name for a way out, an open door, and point of rescue. Please, Lord, come and rescue me this day. In your Name I ask this, Amen. Thy will be done. Selah.