I woke up this morning thinking about the loss of relationship and how that sense wounds so deeply. I cannot help but feel that the loss of relationship is the number one reason for all the ills in the world. We are either in a relationship, trying to get into or out of one, or we are mourning the loss of one. Relationship, it seems, is what makes the world go round.
I started thinking about relationships and how they should be when I was getting ready to take my son over to church at 6:30 this morning. I have had a not so nice couple of days, and yesterday, was really the topper. My husband's sister came into town to help care/work for his mother (she really doesn't need the care because she has many people who are coming over each day). Anyway, we were summoned up there, to "visit" and have lunch, and frankly, I didn't want to go. I don't have any interest in watching the soap opera take place any more (I describe it this way because for the previous 28 years, it was always a "show" to watch). There never has been an actual relationship, just a production of sorts, and we were either the audience or unwilling participants. Even from his mother's sickbed, the show went on, and yesterday was no different. We showed up late, which is kin to dissing the pope or President. We were dispatched without any "hello, how are you" to the Clubhouse for some lunch. Neither my son nor I knew if we were eating there or coming back to their house to eat (it was the latter). So we walked up to the Clubhouse, got our $1 hotdog and rushed back home to be with his mother, who was in the recliner and on the phone.
Now don't get me wrong here, she has been unwell for the past several months, but it is more a matter of a pyschological problem, then a physical one. Her physical unwellness was the result of the medication, which even though she knows not to take it, she still does and then pronounces that the medicine is too strong and makes her sick (yes, so don't take it). I am sorry, I have a really bad, bad attitude about this whole mess, and I don't like having to watch it unfold. Furthermore, I don't like to see good people run after the show simply because they "think" they are doing the Lord's will. It is like I know the truth, I see the truth, and all these good people are being used for the sake of one person. They believe they are doing what is right, when non-Christians and health professionals have walked away (shaking their heads and saying "she doesn't understand that this is not something we do" -- meaning they don't hold hands when what is needed is to get up and move).
To make matters worse, the entire family has rallied around once more, and is playing their parts. I am the only one who has been cast out, who has been told "you are just an extra now." I don't have a part, yet I am required to still show up. So I go and sit there, keeping my mouth shut, and watching the "show" go on. I cringe, I turn away, and I shudder under my breath, thinking "Lord, why is this so? Why does this continue?"
I know, I have no compassion, I have no mercy, and I am an awful person. Yes, this is all true to a point. I actually do have compassion for those who are ill, infirmed, and frail. I actually do enjoy helping people who are dependent upon others, who need others to look after them. I tend to gravitate towards these individuals, whether they are my friends or not. I prefer older people, and I do like to listen to them. I just don't go in for falsehood, for lies, and for deception -- no matter how well produced it might be. I cannot abide by it, tolerate it, or stand to be in its presence, and that is right where I am today.
So, I was thinking about all of this today, when I asked the Lord this: "Lord, what is the worse part in all of this mess?" Of course, I was thinking about my DH and I, and our situation. He and my son had words last evening, and apparently when the show was in session, he was texting my son to tell him how to behave. My son was not behaving according to the script. He was doing what he normally does, which is interact with his Grandpa (talking about music -- Grandpa's great love, and Grandpa wanted to know the latest on my son's recital plans -- they do this, it is their shared interest and it is a very good thing.) I guess though -- my son wasn't paying enough attention to his Grandmother, and that made my DH angry. At our show, everyone must give her their full attention, I mean like look at her and never take your eyes off of her. You must hang on her every word, and be actively listening. If you are passively listening, which is what I tend to do, then you are being impolite, and are reprimanded for your lack of respect. It is difficult, you know, to do that to anyone, and really the Bible forbids us unless that person is in authority over us (like a King or Queen or President or court officer, etc.) No one but the Lord is to get that kind of attention, and the sad fact of the matter is, that even He, who deserves it most, gets it least. Sigh, I digress.
As I was thinking about this mess, the Lord said that the loss of relationship is what is most sad (or the worse part of the situation). He is right. I am no longer communicating with my husband or his family. The relationship is dead. There is no life, no communication, no gasp for breath -- nothing, nada, zip. It is dead.
I feel a great sadness about this loss, and that was why I was stewing a bit this morning. I have seen it coming, I have experienced it daily, and now it is here upon me --death. I don't like it, but I cannot see any resolution to it or a way to change it. I then asked the Lord, "well, then what is the best, if there can be such a thing?" His response was that I now know the truth about my DH's motiviation in life, his behaviors and relationships with other women, and that I can have a baseline for understanding him. Hmm. Interesting thought.
My feeling is that there is no life at all, yet the Lord's view is that we are only at a baseline. In anything, a baseline is used to judge rightly, to assess something, whether negatively or positively. You have to have a baseline to know where to begin, to know where to plot and chart and analyze. I guess in the Lord's perview, my understanding was warped, was shifted, was incorrect, and now it has been reset, re-established, and re-aligned with His. Hmm, interesting.
I agree with His assessment, of course; but what do I do about it? What do I do about this dead relationship? How do I go or where do I go from here?
I see what you have done for me, and I understand that I needed to realign my views on the matter so they match yours. I know that I am still reacting, and not actively pursuing your agenda; but, it appears as though you have something in mind for me. I ask now that you help me to understand what I am to do about my situation, and then help me to take your approach in living it out. I ask this now in Your Name, Jesus -- Amen.