I cannot believe it but I have figured out what I am passionate about, and I am loving the truth (or the revelation of that truth!)
I am a pretty quiet person, and I typically describe myself as a thinker, someone who likes to read deeply and then sit and think on the thoughts and ideas within the work. I like Philosophy and Ideology -- I love Theology, and all things related to the study of God and His Word. I like to explore ideas, think about what might be truth or what is clearly falsehood. I love to debate, to discuss, to converse -- but often find that people rarely want to listen, they are just more interested in what they have to say, and not in having dialogue.
Today, I realized that I am a Rhetorician, a person who likes to speak and/or write persuasively. I like to debate with words, and to study words and ideas. I am also a Philosopher or a person who likes to offer views about ethics, morals, metaphysics and logic. Lastly, I am an Idealist who cherishes the pursuit of noble goals. Combined together, I am somewhat of an enigma, a puzzle or riddle because when people see me or meet me for the first time, they tend to think I am slow-witted. I don't speak clearly or well (I often stammer or use the wrong word). I sometimes babble, and I struggle to be concise. I tend to over-do explanations, and I tend to prefer to write my answers out (whenever possible). I simply don't present well (hence my horrible experiences in interviews). I am not a good public speaker, and I would prefer to write long protracted essays about subjects most people really are not interested in reading. I am out of character, out of form, and generally, not very employable.
Yet, I am passionate about what I love, and I love to think and to write persuasively. I love these two things more than anything (under Jesus, of course). I think I should have been born three-thousand years ago (and as a man -- because women generally didn't read or go to school back then!) Oh, how I would have liked to study with Plato or Hippocrates or listen to Augustine or even Luther. How I would have loved to listen to Jonathan Edwards' sermons or been there under Spurgeon's tent (as in meetings, meetings -- folks!)
So here I am, this enigma of a woman -- who at age 48 is finding her passion and devoting her life to studying Literary Theory and Theology. Why, you might ask? Well, the Lord has need of it -- for one. Also, I believe so strongly in the words of Psalm 37:4-5 (ESV):
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.
When you make the Lord your delight (pleasure, enjoyment); then God will give you the desires (what you wish or long for) of your heart. If you commit (entrust, put Him in charge of) your way to Him and trust (have confidence in) Him; then He will act (do it).
I have found this to be true, and I have learned from Him that so long as I keep Him as my delight, He will act on my behalf. He will be in charge of my life, of my way, and in doing so, He will bring His will to pass. It is not a novel concept, but it is something that many Christian's fail to experience. God truly will bless you with the desires of your heart (the Amplified says "the secret petitions" which can mean those deep innermost thoughts that only you keep). God will act on your behalf; but only if you put Him first in your life. And placing God first doesn't just mean on Sunday's or when you have devotional time. No, it means every moment of the day. It means to reorient your life to be His servant, and in that manner, doing exactly what He directs you to do. You relinquish control of your life, you give Him authority to lead you, and you enter into a trust relationship whereby He can use you for His Kingdom and His Glory.
Oh, how marvelous it is to be passionate about something of the Lord's choosing. God knew that I would one day go back to school to become a college Professor, and in doing so, that He would show me what to study. I knew it years ago, but I lacked confidence to do it. Now with God has my Guide, I am savoring the journey, engaging in the type of debate I love to discuss, and learning so much wonderful information. Is it useful? Well, yes and no. The type of study I am pursuing is useful in the sense that it will gain me practical employment one day. It is useful in a theoretical way, to teach students how to discipline their minds, and engage in serious study. Hopefully, it will also be useful for His Kingdom -- if only in the sense that I will have influence where I work, and in the work I do. Of course, from a straight Biblical perspective, the debate is immaterial. However, since I am fully devoted and committed to Jesus Christ, then I think I do play a vital role in shaping the discourse. If Christian's sit out the debate and never participate in dialogue, then they miss great opportunity to share the Gospel message with those who are living to die. Let us not be afaid to discourse with others, and to debate honestly with the intention of bringing Light into a very dark place. God is so GOOD to me.