January 17, 2011

Learning How to Live in the Moment

Ok, so today was pretty good.  First off, I actually woke up feeling pretty good.  My legs ache a little bit, but nothing terrible (I don't even feel the need for Advil, so that is a GOOD thing).  I spent most of the day out running around with my Mom.  I took my car over to Chapman's Garage for an oil change, and ended up needing two new tires and a front end alignment.  Oh well, what a way to go, eh?

I did pick up some dry cat food (Hill's Science Diet Hairball Control -- the best food for my boys), and a laptop case for my son's new laptop.  We purchased a backpack type only to find that it was too small for his 17.3" Dell computer.  So back to Walmart, and home with a Swiss Gear padded briefcase type that fits his laptop and has storage space for his books.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and my son is excited to be heading off to college.  He has two classes tomorrow, English Composition and American Jazz.  He has already gotten his course syllabus for the Jazz class, and I think he was a little shocked about the amount of work expected of him (I tried to prepare him, but you know, 17 going on ADULT!)  I am happy for him, and know that he will do just fine in school.  He has to earn a 3.2 GPA to keep his scholarship, and I am certain he can do it.

I am struggling still with knowing what I am supposed to do for work.  I have gone back and forth since before Christmas on whether or not I should continue to submit applications for work.  I have submitted some new applications only to get rejection emails back almost instantly.  Needless to say, it is depressing for me, and it makes me wonder if this is something I need to let go of and rest in the Lord for His provision.  I am OK with doing this, but I also don't want to give up -- IF this is something I simply must endure.  You know, times are hard for many people and sometimes you have to press on.  I want to press on, but only if it is the right thing to do.  There is also the thought that after a year and half and no work -- perhaps my answer is not to do any full-time work?

I am confused, and right now, uncertain as to whether I am doing the right thing.  I don't know how many more rejection emails I can take.  Do I simply give up and stop looking for work for a time?  I cannot really make it on my own, and that is the crux of the problem.  If I remain in my present situation, I am bringing in less than I need to sustain myself in my home.  I need about $2k per month to be able to live modestly in my home.  This amount of income would cover pretty much all my bills, and pay for food, expenses.  If I made 3K, then I would have money for savings.  The more the merrier, KWIM?

Working at Macy's is not cutting it financially.  I am doing my best, working as many hours as I can without jeopardizing my grades.  I know I can work full-time, but it will make it harder on me to complete my courses.  My classes this semester are tough, really tough, and I am uncertain if I can actually keep As and work more hours or in a more demanding job.  So what do I do?

I am conflicted too because I have promised my son that I would take care of us.  I promised him that I would have the money to pay for all those things we have had to put aside over the years.  I am not talking about excessive wants, but the simple things of life that most of his friends have.  I cannot do it, I just cannot do it, without a full-time job.  But no job is coming forth, so I am stuck where I am right now.  I cry out to the Lord and ask for wisdom to understand, for clarification so that I can be certain I am on the right path.  I feel that I am doing the right thing, but I haven't seen any progress yet.  Is this how Abraham felt when the Lord promised him a son and it took 20 years for it to come to pass?

I love the Lord greatly, and I desire to do what He wants for me.  I wish I knew for certain, I wish I had this all figured out, and could follow a map to "do the Lord's will."  I know the general will of the Lord, and I know what I believe is His will for my life (specific).  It is the here and now, the dailyness that seems to cause me such confusion.  How can you feel directed and guided by the Lord, and yet feel so lost and clueless?  Sigh!

Dear Lord,

I love you, and I trust you today.  I know you will help me to figure this all out, and that I will know what I am to do about finding work (should I continue?), where I should live (stay here or move?), and what I need to do each day.  Thank you, Lord -- I know you will help me now.  I ask this in Jesus' Name, Amen.

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