January 24, 2011

Was Feeling a Little Lost, But Now I'm Found

The past couple days have been really tough on me.  I lost my way there for a bit, and was feeling totally confounded.  Today, though, I think I have found my path again, and I am feeling good about it.  Funny, how that works?  You feel all out of sorts, and you wonder why?  Later, after much discernment and ruminating on the whys and wherefores of your SPOT, you figure out that you took a wrong turn, and you need to turn around and head back up the trail.  This is exactly what happened to me.  I was hiking down my path (or up it), and then I took a wrong turn.  It looked OK at first, but the farther I got down the trail, the more I realized that it was leading me away from where I needed to be.  Instead of immediately turning around, I floundered a bit, trying to find another way out.  Then when I was at my lowest, I just turned around and started to retreat back up until I got the place where I took the wrong turn.  Now, I am walking ahead and I feel good again.  I can see the horizon, and I think I am on the right path.

My wrong turn happened last week.  Twice really (once before).  The first time was when I started to feel overwhelmed at my financial situation and began to fret over the lack of full-time work.  Even though the Lord has promised to provide for me (and He has), I started to think that I needed to find a job NOW.  I got out my resume again, and started sitting at the Careerbuilder website every morning.  I applied and was immediately rejected.  The more I applied, the more I got rejected.  I started to feel so deflated and then the bills came in, and the money went out, and with no more coming in -- well -- I panicked.

On Friday, I took a call from a recruiter who promised to work with me to update my resume, help me find a job.  I went to her office, met with her, and had a nice visit.  However, after that visit, I was sick to my stomach.  I just knew it was wrong.  I was panicking again, and this path was not at all what the Lord wanted for me.  I waited to hear back from her, but she didn't even email me as she said she would.  Then I sunk low thinking that I was back where I was last year -- without any financial support and feeling so out of control.  I cried out to the Lord, and asked Him why?  Why is this happening AGAIN, Lord?

No response.  None.  I was alone for a moment.  I cried more, and more and more, and then finally realized that either He wasn't listening to me or I was in the wrong place (far from where He wanted me).  That was when I started to trudge back up the path, and find my way again.  This time though I found the path, and started to walk on it again.  Everything cleared, and suddenly, I was in the pink again.  I still don't have answers, and I still don't have full-time work.  I have bills that need paying and no money to pay them.  I don't like it, but I am not afraid.  I know I am on the right path, and that the Lord will provide for me.  I am resting in His care, and trusting Him to keep me covered.

Today has been a good day for me.  Today has been something of a unique day.  I started out with a big unknown, and ended up with some clear direction.  I am starting my graduate classes, and so far so good.  I was afraid of them at first, of how hard they would be, but now I see that they are just more of the same.  I can do them, just like I did last semester, and just like I will next.  I will get good grades, and I will focus on my assignments and I will turn them in.  I will do it because God knows me well, and has chosen the best program for me.

I am content to remain at Macy's through my Master's course.  This is a struggle for me because it means I will have no way to support myself, but I am trusting that things are not always as they seem when it comes to the Lord.  If this is His will, then so be it.  I will work PT, go to school FT, and work towards graduation in 2012.  I can do this because He has made a way for me.

I have also considered returning to Old Dominion University.  I was set on moving to Texas, but now think that staying here might be a better idea.  It's not my idea, it is the Lord's.  My son is very happy at school, and there are two good Christian colleges near us with Music programs.  I think my son is leaning back to Music school, and this means that there are good programs within 20 minutes of us.  This would be a good choice for him, and I think he needs to do this now.  He loves our church and is very active there.  He has great opportunity to perform for worship and be involved in ministry.  I want him to be involved in these things, and since I can do my schooling online from anywhere, well, then this makes good sense too.

I have given over control to the Lord now, and that means that if this is what He wants -- so be it.  I will do it, and I will go wherever He says.  He knows me best, and He knows what He wants me to accomplish.  I will trust in His plans and know that they are good.

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