January 14, 2011

Winded and Out of Sorts

Oh my -- do I feel rotten today! I have worked two 3-hour shifts at Macy's and I can barely function.  I have to work the next three days -- full days -- and truthfully, I don't know how I will manage.  I don't feel well at all, and have that "I have hit a brick wall" feeling inside of me.  When I get to this point, when that feeling starts to bubble up inside of me, I tend to put the brakes on and become as stubborn as a mule.  I stop doing everything, and will "not pass go."  This happens less frequently to me, but in past years, it was a signal to me that my body had reached its limit physically.  I am worn down, at the point of shutting down, and that means that I must stop now.

I have a lot of things on my plate right now.  I have two very difficult graduate courses looming ahead of me, I have my son's start of college next week, I have my committment to Chamber Group and a recital coming up, and I have the worry and stress of not working full-time and not having enough money to continue to make ends meet.  All of this combined with my physical weakness from working retail has taken it's toll.  I still don't feel 100% from when I had the flu.  My chest hurts, not all the time, but sometimes at night.  I feel sick and lightheaded, and generally, unwell.  I don't know what to do about it, but my body seems to be tellig me that 'enough is enough.'

I have talked about quitting Macy's for a while.  The Lord asked me to stay until Christmas, but I have chosen to stay on longer than that.  I like most of my co-workers, and my managers.  I don't mind the work, generally speaking.  It is the physical toll on my body that is breaking me apart.  I have known this for four months, but not wanting to give up the money I do make, I have resigned myself to stick it out.  Macy's was kind enough to hire me, and I don't want to be selfish and ungrateful.

The problem is that now I am going into the next semester at college with only an iota of energy.  I had hoped to rest up over the Holidays, and get over that flu, and then be able to be ready for school.  Instead, I am lumbering along, thinking surely that I cannot go on.  This is not the attitude I wanted for school, that is for certain.  My courses this semester are unfamiliar to me, and I need to be mentally in the game.  I am not.  I need to be ready to be online most days, writing short papers, and interacting with the other students.  I don't want to do anything but sit in the chair and rest.

I am depressed.  I am depressed over the lack of work available to me in Arizona.  I have applied again, well, tried to applied for work.  The rejection emails are coming back faster now, and the smack hurts more this time around.  I truly believe that I will not find any work in AZ until after I finish graduate school.  Perhaps this is the Lord's way of showing me that I cannot work and do school?  I have wanted to go full-time to school, and not work; but I didn't know how I could do that and be on my own.  I cannot.  I have to remain in my present situation, which is not intolerable, for another year and one-half.  It is a long time to be in this situation, but it is doable.  I don't know if my DH wants to do that or not.  He is seeking apartments again, so perhaps he will choose not to stay -- and then what?

My faith is in the Lord, of course; and, I am resting in Him.  I know He has this all figured out, but I wish I would have some confidence that it will come to pass.  I had a lot of confidence at the end of the year, and then the rejection letters came in, and POOF!, all that boldness went out the door.  I was left with the truth of the matter:  I am a 48 year old graduate student, who is trying to manage her own life without much help from her husband.  I am tired, and I am old, and I am weary.  I am doing it all, running out of steam, and needing help.  No one is there to help me, no one will open a door for me.  I am standing here about to fall and no one is there to lift me up, to support me, to be my companion.  I have a companion who will not take on that responsibility.  I have considered being alone, going my own way, but I cannot do that yet.  I need someone to stand along side of me and the one who is bound to me by God's law, will not do it.  I am alone now, in need, and there is no one physically here to help me.

I cry out to the Lord, I read through the Psalms and lament with David.  I need the Lord more today than ever before.  I need His Help, and I need Him to lift my head and show me what to do.  I am ready, Lord, and I am so willing to do your work.  Help me today, lift me out of this pit of despair, and set my feet on the path of your choosing.  I ask this in Jesus' Name, Amen.  So be it, thy will be done. Selah!

No comments: