October 30, 2011

So Much Has Changed

It has been over a month since my last blog post. It is interesting how things have changed for me, since last October 2010. Over the course of one year, I have gone from being unemployed (full-time) to working full time. I have almost completed my Masters degree, and I am getting ready to move to a new home. A lot has changed, and so much of it, took me by surprize. For almost 18 months, I consistently wrote about my personal live, my lack of finding good practical work, and my relationship with the Lord as it sustained me through some very dark and difficult times. I am now on the other side of that valley, and while things are so much brighter, and my life feels better -- there are hills and valleys up ahead that cause me to shirk back. I know I must press on for the word says to us,

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Phillipians 3:14 NLT

I know that I must press on, I must continue to walk towards my heavenly calling, and to move through this mortal life with my focus intent upon the prize that awaits me at the Judgment Seat of Christ. My prize is waiting for me, a prize received for living a life of faithful obedience to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am to press on, to keep on going, to walk forward, and to not give in -- not until I reach my destination. I am tired, and I am weary. I want to rest, to sit down and take some time to let everything settle, but so much is happening right now, so much that I cannot stop yet. I have to keep on moving forward until the Lord gives me eternal rest.

I have been working at the University of Phoenix for almost four months now. I like my job, and I like my manager and team mates. I like the company, and their policies. I feel that I am in a really good spot here, and that this company will be good to me. I am hopeful that in time I will be able to move up in the company, to move into a different kind of role, but for now, I am content to do the work assigned, and to be faithful to live my life openly and honestly, doing my best, trying my best, and trusting the Lord for His will in every are of my life. God is so good to me.

My home is about to be sold. I have done my best to try and refinance my home -- but that has not proven successful. I completed a loan application, but nothing has come to pass -- not one word on whether or not it has been approved, and it has been over 6 weeks. I know that this is because I am in default of the balloon payment on the house, and according to a good friend (former broker), no bank will give me a loan when you are in default.

The default was through no fault of my own. I was left to care for the home, and I didn't have full-time work. I did my best to pay the mortgage, and to keep the utilities on, but there wasn't enough money to do that, and my DH was not helping me (hasn't been for a very long while). Therefore, I tried to do what I could, with what I had, and it wasn't enough. The note holder chose to follow the course of the law, and call our note as well as proceed to a Trustee Sale.

I didn't want this to be the outcome, not after slaving in this home for nearly 14 years, but with no job, no regular income, and no way to overcome this hurdle, the only solution was to wait and see if the Lord willed me to remain in this home.  I have known that this home was not the Lord's will for my life. This home has been a money-pit, and has been a source of anguish for a very long time. There is something unwell here, and I have lived with it for a very long time. I have wanted to move, my son has wanted to move, but we remained for a myriad of reasons. The Lord chose not to allow us to be rescued from this home. He could have rescued us, provided some compassion from our note holder, and allowed us the time to get out of default -- it was not impossible, it was not a done-deal. The note holder was not willing to do so, and the home is to be sold.

Yesterday, I started to look for apartments. I have not wanted to look at apartments because I couldn't imagine moving from a 3BR/2BA home into a 2BR apartment. We have a lot of stuff to sort, a lot of stuff to keep -- and I really ddin't think we could make it fit. Furthermore, due to the large number of foreclosures in our area, the rents for homes and apartments has skyrocketed. Landlords are taking advantage of folks who cannot make their mortgages, and then charging them high rent for a home. It is a shame, but it is the way that it is right now.

I found a lovely townhome to rent. I went yesterday and toured through it. It would work nicely for me and my son, but I am the 3rd person to apply for the home. The application scared me because it mentions specifically about not making payments in rent. The owner seemed to like me, and he seemed to be compassionate towards me. I just don't know how good I look on paper, and if I will be chosen for the place or not.

The thought of having to move to a new home pleases me, but it also scares me. I hate packing, and I hate moving. I hate the whole process, yet I am so ready to leave this home, and close this part of my life.

My DH has no plans or at the least, has no plans he has shared with me. He has no job, and doesn't seem to be motivated towards getting one -- not even part-time. He is continuing to work at his consulting business, but it doesn't pay enough for him to rent a room. He was upset that I was giving up on the mortgage refinance, and he was not pleased when I said I was looking at apartments. He wants to attempt to sell this house before the Trustee Sale. I said I was agreeable to doing that, but that I couldn't do it -- meaning -- being responsible for it. With my work and schooling, my son's school and church activites, and now having to care more for my parents -- I cannot do anything more with this house. My DH works 10 hours a week, perhaps 15 on a good week. He wants me to pay all the bills, and manage the house. I am tired of being his housekeeper and home manager. He needs to get off his duff and find a job.

Yesterday, he left and didn't come back until after 11. He normally goes out on the weekends and is out until 11-12. He just says that he is going out, but he doesn't say where. I don't ask anymore. I don't care where he goes, I just know that he is not looking for work.

I am praying that this townhome comes to pass for me and my son. We are ready to move on with our lives, to walk away from this house, this life, and all that remains of our family. I wish I could say that there was a happier ending in sight, but it has been two very long years since everything went sideways on me. These past two years are simply the capstone of 27 very long and exhausting years of frustration, of sorrow, and of unwillingness to take responsibility. I am responsible now. I am in control of what the Lord has given to me, and I am being faithful to keep it well in hand. The Lord is my refuge, my strong tower, my hope. I look to Him alone for support, for strength, and for His sufficiency. The Lord is my all and all, and He has not disappointed me yet.