As I sit here tonight and think back on all the days of my life (17555 and counting -- not adding in my days in my mother's womb!), I am reminded of just how awesome my life is, and how precious this gift of life is to me. I spent the day with my parents, and then came home to my new house to relax and enjoy the evening. I decided to sit down at the computer and spend a little time on Facebook. I happened to stop by my nephew's page, and as I flipped through his photos, I thought just how wonderful God is to my family. My older brother (7 years older than me), has done a fabulous job raising four Godly children, who are all doing well, and living lives honoring their parents. I am touched by how close they all are, and how much love there is between their children and my brother and sister-in-law. They do not have the issues facing many families -- no arguments, no feuds -- just tender loving care for one another. It is so touching to me to see them happy, silly, and enjoying their lives together -- as a family.
My heart is tender because I sit here tonight all alone in my room -- me and my computer -- and I long to have that kind of loving family. Don't get me wrong -- I have a blessed family. I have best parents in the world, and I cherish my son who I love beyond words. I just never had that kind of loving family relationship in my own marriage. I had it as a child -- my family and childhood memories are filled with lots of laughter and moments of tender love and joy. I just never was able to have that same kind love and affection in my own home.
I know, maybe it is just my heart breaking a little more. I have been so well-covered by God's graciousness, and He has kept me from experiencing the heartache as I learned to deal with the changes in my life, and the fact that I am to live my life as a single person. I guess maybe it is just that today was so different for me. I mean, it was nice to have dinner with my parents -- a normal holiday thing -- and to come home to what I am doing now (I am on my computer, my son is on his). This is so NORMAL -- but it is just not what I want, not what I really desire deep down in my heart.
The Lord has led me through these past two years, comforting me, and giving me grace and peace to be able to do things I never thought possible. I never thought I would ever go back to college. I never considered being able to go to graduate school, and the idea of getting my PhD was out of bounds. But, here I am now almost graduated with my Masters degree, and getting ready to take the next step to get my doctorate. I never imagined I would be living alone, living on my own, paying my own bills, keeping my own life, and being so "in control" of everything. Yet, here I am now, doing that very thing, and being so confident and comfortable in it all. I never saw myself as an unmarried woman, even though I knew that God was calling me to this kind of life. I never wanted to be a 50 year old woman -- who finally learns the truth of her life -- and who finally accepts God's call with abandon, with passion, and without fear. Yet -- here I am now -- living the life God has called me, loving every minute of it, and walking each new day with excitement, with enjoyment, and with the blessed assurance that I am exactly where God wants me to be.
And though my heart breaks at the tender thoughts and sweetness of family -- I know that I am uniquely called to a different kind of life, a life that will be devoted to one thing, and one thing only -- that is to live out the WILL OF GOD, and to serve Him all the days of my life. I know my calling, it is for certain, and it is what guides and directs my life. I know where I am going, and I know how I am to get there. God has done all this for me, and I stand in awe of Him tonight.
Praise be to God, the Father; God the Son; and God, the Holy Spirit. He lives and reigns forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.
0 comments:
Post a Comment