Happy New Year! I survived 2011, and ended it quietly with a happy heart and with humble and heartfelf gratitude to the One who made it possible for me to make so many changes in one year. I cannot even imagine going through what I did again -- please Lord -- let it never be this way again! I am blessed, so richly blessed, and I am so completely and utterly satisfied with the changes which have come to pass, and with my future plans. I feel good about them, and every single day I know that I am on the right path, and I am moving in the right directly. God has helped me, and I give Him all the testimony -- He is so GOOD, and He has been so very GOOD to me.
As I sit here and look out my second story window, I am thankful today for my new home. I love my new home. I love everything about my new home. It is quiet, and the neighbors are so friendly. Everyone waves as you enter or leave the development. I like that -- it is old-fashioned, and so very comfortable. I hear, "Good morning, have a nice day, or Happy New Year!" as I walk to my car, to the post, or to the garbage bins. I am truly blessed with such a wonderfully warm, and safe place to live. God is SO GOOD to me.
I cannot imagine the turmoil now, even though I know I lived in it and through it for so many years. Yesterday, I went to the bank and got a cashiers check to cover my 2nd month's rent. It felt so good to post that to my landlord. No hand wringing, no worries about can I pay or when will I pay -- I just got the check, and popped it into the post. My rent has been paid for January -- Praise the Lord!
This was not always my life. In fact, for the past twenty-some years (eight to be exact), I never knew if the rent would be paid. I never knew if the utilities would remain on. I never knew when I would get to go to the grocery store, or fill up my car with gas. It was always a guessing game, a waiting game. I hated the uncertainty of it all, and I hated the fact that I worked so hard, but never had enough money to live on comfortably. Don't get me wrong, I lived in a nice apartment, a nice rental home, and even a home I owned -- yet -- I never knew from day one to the next whether there would be "enough" money to make ends meet.
One thing that I longed for, and still do long for now, is security. For me, lack of security has been my zero-tolerance point. Not having a secure home, a secure future, caused me such enormous stress. I have lived with stress for so many years that I got used to it being a part of my life. I didn't like it, but it was there, just like the cousin who won't leave -- never going anywhere, always sticking around. I cannot tell you how much comfort it brings to me to have "enough" now. I can pay my bills on time, I can pay my rent. I have money left over in the bank. I can go to the store when I want to do so, I can go get something to eat. I can do all things without worry now.
The stress has lifted, though the remnants of that stress remain. My muscles have lived in this contorted way for so long that they no longer know how to relax. Even with treatment, chiropractic and acupuncture, the pain is still there. I still have chronic headaches and back pain. It never goes away. I know that the pain is a reminder of my life, of what was, and of the choices I made. Now, I just deal with it. Today, I am suffering -- my back hurts so badly, and I can barely move. Yet, I get up, and I go through my morning, just as I would without the pain. It is part of my life, always a part. May I never forget the choices I made, and the pain that those choices caused me. May I choose wisely now, always thinking about what He wants for me, and then choosing His Way. His Way is best, it is easiest, and it is the most reliable way to a secure future. This is what I want now, security at all costs. I want to be secure, and I want to know that my future is safely in His Hands.
Sure, I understand that the future in never secure. Hey, I know this well -- I am losing my home, I have been on welfare and Medicaid. I have been at the bottom so long, that I am very well aware that riches and wealth are fleeting. I am not looking for wealth. I am not looking for riches. I am looking to the One who gives liberally to those He loves and cares for most. I am looking solely to the Lord to provide my needs, and to keep me safe. I have learned my lesson -- reliance upon anyone but the Lord gets you uncertainty. Reliance upon the Lord brings you sweet peace, constant comfort, and the assurance of His promise:
Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you." ~Hebrews 13:5 NLT
God is Good all the time. All the time, God is Good. May His Name be praised today and forevermore. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.
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