The End is Near

It is 6:47 a.m. and I am sitting here at my computer, drinking my cup of coffee, and taking care of business! I have the day off today (in place of having to work my Saturday rotation this week). I had hoped to sleep in, but instead was up at my normal waking hour (5:00 a.m.) I fed the boys, made my coffee and tried to go back to sleep for a while, but my mind was swirling with thoughts about the next three days. These are the final days of my life at 3835 E. Hearn Road in Phoenix.

David and I moved into our home on Hearn Road in May of 1999. I was a happy, albeit stress-filled time for us. We had been renting a home in Scottsdale, Arizona for the past year and half. It was in a nice neighborhood (near Camelback, if you know the area). The house had issues, and the entire time was fraught with problems. The heat pump never worked right, so it was either freezing cold or blazing hot. The property maintenance company never attended to our needs, so I spent one entire week with my sink backed up water before my neighbor came and rotor-rootered it out for me. I had to demand the oven be fixed, and then finally it was -- but not until I had gone about six months without the use of an oven. On top of all of that, we suffered nightly with gigantic roaches -- I mean GIGANTIC -- the size of Southern Palmetto bugs. They got in the house, and I would find them in my sink, my dishwasher -- on the walls of the kitchen. Oh -- it was awful.

The previous home had been a rental condo, and it was a stark change for us, since we had moved from a home in California. The three of us had been crammed into about 1000 SQ feet. We had boxes everywhere, and we had five cats. It was one long year of being smashed into a very tiny place. The house in Scottsdale was better since it had a nice fenced back yard for our son. It was doable, despite all the issues.

Unfortunately, the number one issue we never could get away from was lack of income. We left San Jose for three reasons: to come to Phoenix to be closer to my husband's parents; to reduce our monthly expenses (mainly rent, which went from $1300 per month down to $800); and to move away from the past business failures. It was to be a fresh start, a new lease on life. My DH was to go to golf school, and I would work temporarily until he got a job in the golf industry. He wanted to be a professional golf instructor, and so we moved to Scottsdale so he could go to golf instructor school (in Chandler).

As things turned out, nothing materialized for us. I worked two jobs: one as an assistant in a T-Shirt shop, and one as a part-time Preschool Director for my church (Scottsdale Bible Church). My DH didn't go to golf school, and instead got a job working at a local golf course. It was a good job. He got hired by a friend from our church who worked there as the Director of Golf. It didn't pay well, but we made enough money that for once in a very long time, the bills got paid on time.

After about a year, my DH decided that he didn't want to keep doing "golf" and that he wanted to go back into business again. I was against it, and I didn't want us to go back to the way things were in San Jose. I wanted to keep on making steady income, and to move up into a better life. However, my DH decided to go back into the promotional advertising business, on the side, to help make ends meet. I was OK with that idea because as a side business, it was fine -- I just didn't want to be back in that business full-time.

Well, things went from bad to worse. My DH lost his job, then was offered a good job at Paradise Valley Country Club, where all the other outside guys ended up. He didn't want to work outside, so he refused to take that job. The Director of Golf at that course was also from our church, and kept saying that it was a good job, and that he could do OK in time. Oh, why didn't he just do that job?

Any way, to make a long story shorter, we had to move from our condo to our house in Scottsdale and finally to our home on Hearn Road -- all for one reason -- lack of ability to pay the rent and/or mortgage on time. The same reason that had plaqued us in San Jose, and forced us to move from Cupertino, to Campbell, and then to the East Side of San Jose. It was always lack of steady income.

Patterns. Patterns are important in life, especially when you are trying to diagnose a problem. Doctors look for them, scientists track them, and scholars research them. Patterns are the clues to help you identify key areas of concern or underlying issues. If you pay attention to them, you can almost always trace them backward to the source. If you are willing to acknowledge these patterns, often you can come to understand why choices are made, and why certain behaviors always seem to follow predictably after them.

In our case, the pattern of lack of steady income was something that was always there, always a part of our life. It was not something that was part of my life. In reality, I had worked steadily from the time I was in high school through to when I got married. Sure, I took time off in between -- mostly when I was a college student -- and would find myself working too many hours to keep up with my studies. I worked several jobs before I married my husband. I recall the following:

• McDonalds (first job, paying $5 an hour)
• The Boot Store (a Western Boot store, paying $6 p/h)
• a "Charlotte Russe-like" store in the mall (about $4-5 p/h)
• NuTech Engineers (my first real corporate job, paying $20 p/h)

I met my husband while I was working at NuTech. I was living at home, and as I recall, I was bringing home about $800 every two weeks. Not too shabby for a young girl. I was in between school, having taken some time off due to a bad breakup (with my high school boyfriend) and the residual stress of my high school car accident. I wasn't doing well in school, I was floundering in life, and I was lost (clueless -- saved by Grace, but lost as to what God wanted me to do -- more on that later).

After we married, I worked for:

• CompuServe, Inc. (second corporate job, making better money $30K)
• Share Base Corporation (third job, making the most $40K)

Then came school (San Jose State) and my son being born, and staying at home as a SAHM.

My DH worked at Runner's World Magazine and then the San Jose Business Journal. Both jobs paid him very well ($40-60K plus commission). For all intents and purposes, there was no reason why we couldn't live on our combined income. We had some credit card debt, but I never really understood where all the money went to, I mean -- I brought home about $1200 every two weeks and my DH should have had $2-3K coming in as well. For some reason though -- we never had any money. The bills never got paid, and we always were struggling to pay for repairs, buy food and keep the lights on.

This was ALL before my DH decided to go into business for himself, and then our income went to ZERO and remained inconsistent for 25 more years.

As I trace the patterns backwards, I see my steady progression in business, and in making a consistent daily living wage. In truth, had I managed my own money, and not allowed my DH to manage it, we would have probably been OK. I didn't know how to manage money back then, and I was afraid of how I would balance my check book.

All I can think of is that our money was gambled away. My DH's good friend was very wealthy, and he was a big time gambler. He always was making money on sports. Perhaps my DH gambled our money away as well? I don't know, and my DH never told me where the money went to or how it got spent. I just know that I lived on pasta noodles and sauce (no meat), mac and cheese, chicken noodle soup, and peanut butter for the entire 6 years we lived in our apartment in Campbell. I was making close to $40k a year, and never had money for lunch or to go out with friends. I couldn't even pay my car insurance or my car license fees (stopped two many times in Los Gatos and slapped with big fines).

I still scratch my head thinking about those days, and why I allowed myself to be brought down so low. Why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I say "stop!"

Well, zoom forward to 2012. In two more days, our home on Hearn Road will be lost to foreclosure sale. It is to auctioned off because we owe $65K on it, and the owner/lender has foreclosed on us. After attempts at getting a loan (approved, but the lender not willing to assist in back payments), and an offer (with the lender not choosing to accept it), we are losing our home.

I am settled in this matter. It is what is to be done, and there is no going back. I see the patterns clearly imprinted on a lifestyle that is marked in big bold black letters "IRRESPONSIBILITY." Yes, being irresponsible is what has led this to happen. Now, I do take stance with the fact that I worked all those years, and I did actually make money during them. But as with before, I never saw the money go out. It came in to me, went into a combined checking account, and there was never anything left over. I had nothing. I lived on nothing. I repeated the pattern of living under the poverty level, even though I worked and earned a fairly consistent income as a Website Designer. I earned some years close to $50K, other years more like $25K. Nonetheless, there was plenty of money to pay for the mortgage and utilities and other expenses. My DH brought in money as well -- so in reality -- there should have been enough. But there never was, and once again, I am caught trying to figure it all out.

The past is the past, as they say, and it is overwith and gone. Yes, this is true. I am living now in a new way. I am on my own, paying my own way, and making it each month. Perhaps this is why I see myself so clearly now. Or should I say "see the past" so clearly now. If I am able to pay my bills and still have some money each month to live on -- then why was it not possible all those years ago? I am no better off financially then before, I make about the same as before, and my cost of living is the same as well. What is different now?

I think the main difference is that I am managing my money with the Lord's blessing upon it. I am not spending what I should not spend. I am living with His approval each day, and I am trusting Him to provide for my needs. He provides for me, and I use it wisely. I am honest about my wages, and honest about my expenses. I am living daily in the presence of the King; the King who is able to handle all my needs, all my concerns, and all my provision within the measure of His Mercy and Grace.

I thank God today for His Grace. I thank Him for His willingness to show me how to live my life appropriately, and how to live within my means. I thank Him for showing me how to manage money, how to plan for expenses, and how to live carefully, yet fully alive in this fallen world. I am in His tender Mercy, and I know where my Provision comes from. I know my Provider, and I look to His Hand of Mercy this day. May God be praised today and forevermore. Amen, so be it, Thy will be done. Selah!