Yesterday was Day One of the last three day push to empty out the old house. It has been bitter sweet for me. I am happy to be out of that house, and out from under our lender. I am very happy and contented in my new place. Every single day I find myself saying "Oh, Lord! How I love my new home!!" It is true -- I love my home. I love everything about it. And, I am so content to live here.
The old house is filled with memories. Many of these memories are not sweet. Some are, of course, but some are reminders of very hard times, very challenging and spiritually dark times. I am glad to be out, and I am glad to be walking fully in the light. It is hard to live in the darkness, even when you don't want to be in it. You want to always go turning the light on, you want to feel that warm sense of peace -- but it isn't there. There are just nagging thoughts, doubts, major difficulties, and they never seem to go away.
Since I have been in my own place, I have only had one night where I didn't actually sleep well. I had watched a movie on Netflix that deeply disturbed my spirit. I normally do not watch movies that I know will bother me or the Holy Spirit. I am very careful about it because I have an almost photographic memory so images stick with me for a very long time. This time, my son wanted to watch a docu-drama called "Downfall." It is an historically accurate account of the last 12 days of Adolph Hitler. It is a highly acclaimed film, shot completely in German, and documents the days leading up to the surrender of the German army in at the Battle of Berlin.
My son has an incredible interest in military history, and during our Ambleside Years, read almost every book (teen and adult) on World War II. He has read most of "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich" as well as several biographies of major Generals who lead the key military campaigns during the war. I never minded his interest, and remember as a child watching the "World at War" series with my Dad. I can usually tolerate these kinds of films. However, not this film. I sat through the entire film in shock. It wasn't that it was brutally gruesome (some parts were), it was more so the way the story was told. I had great compassion for the key character, and some of the lesser characters in the film. I also had intense hatred for other characters due to their lack of compassion for the suffering of the German people and soldiers.
I simply was horrified by the ending, by the totality of the victimization, and by the presentation of the film which neither glorified the Germans nor the Americans (and in this case the Russians). It was neutral in it's presentation, which is very uncommon in films. It presented the horrors of war as close to the truth. No fanfare, no sympathy -- just cruel oppression and suppression with little honor, little victory, little idealistic vision.
Okay, so I digressed a bit here. Just wanted to note that of the two and one-half months living in my new home, only one night was passed with little sleep, and that was due to watching this film. In the old house, almost every single night was fraught with some sensation of unpleasantness, some disturbance -- whether sound or visual -- that would jerk me awake. No, I am very happy to be out of that home.
The bittersweetness stemmed from having to sort through years of old items, things once treasured, but now cast off. I looked through boxes of photos from my wedding and my honeymoon. I sat and stared at childhood photos given to me when my Mom downsized their collection and passed photos to my brothers and me. I remembered my childhood -- so many happy days leading up to my 16th birthday. So many memories of my life before marriage. I saw pictures of my childhood friends, parties, Brownies and Girl Scout camp -- all happy times in my early life. It was so sweet and wonderful to see those pictures, many of which, I haven't seen for thirty or more years.
Of course, there were other items, other reminders too. Things that I easily tossed in the garbage bin. I ended up bringing home seven more bins of miscellaneous things (like the afghans my Grandmother made when my son was born) and one large steamer trunk filled with childhood items. I don't plan on keeping them all -- I don't have the space now. They are on my patio and I am praying that there will be no rain until I can sort through them properly, and decide what to keep for long-term memory.
As I consider my life, I see it more clearly now. I am able to reconstruct the past and see where I made choices and where these choices led me. I made some horrible choices in my teen years. I made plans that were outside the Lord's will for my life, and I have suffered greatly because of my decisions. I looked at those photos and saw a beautiful young woman, filled with new faith, and a new desire to serve the Lord. Oh how I wish I would have waited, just waited -- the Lord would have provided a life for me, the life of His Choosing, and I would have been so happy in it. I know this now, but I also know that the choices I made have shaped me and made me into the person I am today.
That young girl was sweet and innocent. She had a sincere desire to serve the Lord, and was very naive. However, the woman I am today is different. I am powerful, and I am poised. I am confident in the Lord's provision and in His Goodness. I know my stuff really well, and I know the One who leads me and guides me each day. I am ready, I am able to do all things through His Grace. I am a woman of Faith, and a woman who is not afraid to look life squarely in the eye and say "Watch Out -- Here I come!" I am no longer than timid and shy person, the one who was afraid of speaking her voice and saying what was on her mind. No, now I speak freely and with boldness. I am ready to do His Will -- for His Name -- and to bring Him Glory.
Those memories of the past remind me of the sweetness of when I was a child; but now, I am a woman, and they serve to call me to account, to remind me of what happened to me when I didn't follow after the Lord. No longer am I content to do anything other than His Way. No longer am I content to serve any man or woman or to prostrate myself before any idol. No -- I am wholly devoted to Him, and I am living in His Will for my life. I want nothing other than to be used by Him so that other people will come to learn of the great mystery of His Mercy and Goodness. God is so very Good to me, and I want other people to come to know and recognize that Goodness in their lives. May God be Praised today and forevermore.
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