March 25, 2012

Can This Be It?

It is such a strange and odd feeling to be comfortable again. I have been toiling, struggling, and trying so desperately to figure out how to be a certain way. I have been disappointed at work, with my progress, with my schooling, and with the plans that I had made (thinking they were His when they really were not His at all). I have been happy to have work, and I give praise and testimony to God for His provision of a job at UOPX. But, since I started that job, I have felt that I was working under a microscope. My every action and word being scrutinized and evaluated. It has been difficult to be at peace when your entire day is being reviewed for errors, and your every moment is being corrected -- suggestions abound on how to do things "better" or how to not do this or that. It has been a challenge to remain focused, to remain idealistically hopeful that "things would get better in time."

This weekend was really the final straw. I went to work yesterday feeling blue and low down. I really didn't want to be there, but it was my day to work. I did my best, going in with a good attitude, and in less than 15 minutes, my bubble of optimism was burst by someone who simply wanted to make me feel less than perfect, to bring me "down to size," so to speak. I tried the entire day to keep my attitude up. I even tried to be nice, to make conversation, and "appear" as though I was humbly accepting of the criticism. But as the day wore on, my patience ran thin. As soon as I could leave, I did. I ran out the office door, out to my car, and slumped in the drivers seat. I road home in silence, thinking "Why Lord? Why must I suffer like this?"

I thought I was in the right place, I was thankful for the good work. I like most of my team mates, and I was trying so hard to like the work. But in truth, I hate the work. I hate the job. I hate the environment, and I hate the attitude that tells me "be patient - you will learn how to survive here." What my co-workers mean is that you will learn to play the game, to keep your head down, and do the minimum amount of work so you won't lose your job. I am not good at doing less than my best. I fail often, but not for lack of trying. I fail usually for misjudging a situation or for making an error in translation. I rarely fail for not trying to do what is asked of me. If anything, I excel at doing my best. I am a top performer now. I am doing everything I can to win, but I am constantly being brought low by others, peers who are jealous, who are zealous or simply concerned for me (that I will burn out).

I am burnt out. I am tired. I want to stay home now. I want to do a different kind of work. I want a job where I can go home when I want to go home. I need to be at home. I need to rest. I am so very tired now.

Dear Lord,
How do I reconcile my feelings, and how do I live my life without a steady job? I cannot live on hope. I cannot live without income to pay the rent, buy gas and food and other expenses. How can I live, Lord -- how can I do the work each day under these circumstances? I need to be released from this work so that I can do something else. I don't know what else I can do. I don't know what kind of work I can do from home -- or if that is even possible. I need your deliverance now. I need to be rescued from this work. Is that even possible, Lord? I cry out to you, I beg you and I confess that you were right when you told me that this job would not be a good fit. I need you to take care of this for me. I cannot live without you, and I cannot even contemplate a change at this point in my life. What am I to do now? Please Lord, help me please?

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