March 25, 2012

I am lost, yet I feel so well founded

It is a strange feeling to be lost. I have been lost before, and typically, I feel out of sorts, as if I am spinning out of control, and unaware of how or why I came to be in a certain place. Today, however, I feel lost -- yet I know that I am so well-grounded in the Lord, that I cannot really be lost at all. I think this is CHANGE, and since I readily admit that I "don't do change well," I think what I am feeling is just that sense that something has changed, and I am knocked a bit off my feet. I am not floored nor am I losing ground -- I just have been bumped a bit and shifted a little more than usual. I feel as though I am now moving slightly off the path, but still moving in the same direction. I am just standing off the path, almost like walking along the dirt part of the road.

I was in the middle of the road. I was walking surefooted-ly on the hard surface of the road. Now, I am walking on the gravel beside that same road. Still travelling in the same direction, just without the solid surface beneath my feet. I am not sure why I am standing to the side, but I kind of like the fact that I am walking where I want to walk rather than feeling so forced to walk where everyone else walks.

I think it has to do with my non-traditional personality and with my inner self that prefers to do things her own way. It is not that I am being willful, but rather, that I am being myself -- finally, myself. I am not trying to be anyone else. I am not trying to be a world class scientist, a virtuoso cellist, or even a straight A student. Nope, I am just being me, and that means that I am being true to myself -- warts and all. I am not perfect. I am not great. I am not even good. Truthfully, there is nothing that is good inside of me. I am sinful, willful, flesh that desires to be god in the place of the One who IS. Yes, it is true. I humble myself before Him and shout out that I confess that I desire to be where He IS, and that I know I am an utter failure, full of false humility, and desiring evil things. Yes, this is my sinful nature at it's best and it's worst. Praise and Glory to God the Father, and to the Son, and to the Blessed Holy Spirit, that I am no longer that awful creature and forced to live in that awful sin-filled nature! My new nature confesses readily to Him that I want Him and Him alone to guide and direct me. I want to do everything He has promised me that I would do in His Name, and I want to do it His way. I no longer want my way nor do I want to have certain things -- comforts, protections, and the safety-net of the world's system. No, I want His provision -- glorious and full and abundant. I want to live a free life, fully engulfed in worship and ready to seek Him and His way in all things.

Yes, Lord, I don't know why I am where I am today. I don't know where we are going or why we are walking off the main road. I just know that I am content to follow you and that I am trusting you to provide for me. Today. Tomorrow. And, every day until I am with you in Eternity.

Eternally grateful, eternally peaceful -- in your Name -- I give you praise today. Amen. So be it. Thy Will be done. Selah!

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