March 18, 2012
More Thoughts On What is What
I struggle so with TRUST. Just last week, I was discussing this issue with the Lord. Contritely, I said to Him -- "Lord, why can I not trust you?" The answer was quite simple and quite clear: in the past, I have been told things that were not true, and now, it is difficult for me to believe what I am being told. I do not trust because I have been lied to, betrayed, and given false information that hurt me or kept me from accepting what I needed to accept.
Although I have grown up, and I am now far more understanding of what it means to TRUST, I still find it difficult to do so. I want to TRUST, don't get me wrong. I want to BELIEVE. It is just that my first inclination is to think: "perhaps this is a lie." WOW! Shocker!!
It is true, though, very true. I doubt the Lord on the basis of His Character. I shouldn't, and I certainly have received enough testimony over the last year or two to know better. Yet, deep within there is a damaged spot, a place where I refuse to believe, refuse to trust, refuse to accept the truth.
In the mental states that make up my mind, there is a level where it is "access only" and no one passes by (or no thought). This is the deepest, most hidden place inside of me. It is where I tucked myself away all those years ago after I was hurt, I was betrayed, and I was lied to one too many times. I locked that door, tossed the key away and barred entrance to everyone, no matter how close, how important, or how loved they were.
I have kept my Lord from that place too. I have said it was "off limits" to Him. He has shared His broken life with me, He has healed the many other layers of my mind, but this place has been out of His reach. Not that He couldn't reach it, oh my goodness no! Rather, I refused Him admittance, and in doing so, He has waited patiently for me to let Him in. He has asked. He has demonstrated His Faithfulness, and His Willingness to Wait for me to let Him in. I have refused. I have said "No, not yet."
So here I sit, blogging on this rainy afternoon in Phoenix, Arizona, and I think how silly it has been for me to forbid my Lord entrance. Yes, He is welcome in every recess of my heart and mind. I have said so. I have granted Him access, but He has waited for me -- knowing that I was not ready to let that place go. It is the last place that needs keeping, and the Holy Spirit of God very much would like to come in and set it aright. I so need Him to do so, but I am afraid of what that will mean for me. I know it will bring contentment, it will bring sweet peace -- yet -- I wait. I think "No, not yet."
The sun is breaking through the trees. The rain is scattered, and I am listening to Yo Yo Ma play cello. I am happy. I am content. Yet, there is the place where I am keeping the very deepest part of me hidden. I have put a mask on that says "Hey World, look at me! I am OK! I survived the devastation of a failed marriage. I have come to enjoy singlehood, and I am smart, oh so very smart. I have it all together. I am good." The reality is that I am good because He is GOOD. I survived a failed marriage because Jesus carried me through those days and gave me His Blessed Grace to survive the pain and sorrow. I am content in being single because the Lord has told me that I can handle it, and then He has shown me how to be a single person again. And, lastly, I am smart -- I am a graduate student planning on advanced studies, but not because I possess great knowledge, but because my God is able to help me study, to read, and to understand complex theory and language and produce solid graduate level work.
I am nothing. I am exactly what I shout to the world that I am not. I am a sad, a lonely, and a desperate woman who struggles with issues of conformity, who is afraid of her own shadow, and who believes that she is unable to do anything of value or anything worthwhile.
Thank goodness for all of that truth because it is for the Glory of the Lord that I am nothing, and He is EVERYTHING. He makes everything happen, and He gives liberally to me so that I can enjoy the blessedness of His Presence. I am able to face today and tomorrow not because of my own talents or gifts but because of what He has done for me on the cross of shame. He has done all this, and I have received the blessing through my faith in His finished work.
God be Praised for I am good today.