April 28, 2012

Good Morning - It's Saturday!

It is a beautiful morning in Phoenix. I woke up around 6 a.m., took care of the boys, and made my cup of coffee. I am now sitting here at my desk, thinking about my future, and where the Lord wants me to go from here. I am happy, I am content -- though I am not feeling 100% well yet. My time off has proven invaluable. I am not sure what my employer thinks, but it is my earned vacation time, and I am using it to rest from the weariness of my life.

My life is weary -- I prayed and spoke with the Lord about this today -- and I know that I need a very long rest. The past couple years of stress have finally taken their toll on me physically, and I am officially burnt out. In addition to my year-long stint working at Macy's, I have gone through the trauma of divorce (separation, not finalized); foreclosure; moving out on my own for the first time in 30 years; being self-sufficient; raising my son on my own; being unemployed for 18 months -- to now. I cannot even tell you how I feel inside. I am contented with what has passed, but I am so completely worn out emotionally. I rarely laugh. I rarely feel rested and at peace. I am simply on idle -- just motoring on through these days, hoping to finally get to my destination where I can shut off the engine, park the car in the garage, and rest.

As I sit here and recollect on the past changes, I am able to see the Hand of God upon my life. I don't think I could even list all the blessings He has brought to me over the past two-three years. This is just a short list, so here goes:
  • Medical intervention when my husband suffered a near-fatal heart attack in 2007
  • Medical intervention when my husband suffered a brain-bleed due to uncontrolled hypertension in 2009
  • Emotional stability to see me through the turmoil that followed -- lack of money, lack of medical insurance, lack of unity with in marriage
  • Strength to stand up to infidelity and say "no" 
  • Strength to stand my ground at blatant emotional attachment to women outside of marriage
  • Strength to continue to hold my family together during all of this while the Lord developed character within me so that I could finally walk away
  • Discipline and the willingness to go head to head with family members who thought I was making things up, telling lies, or just over-reacting
  • Developed relationship with the Lord to prove that His Way and His Word are always right and good and worthy to heed and obey
  • Willingness to be open, to be honest, and to be humble before counselors and others who sought to help reconcile my marriage
  • Willingness to be open, to be honest, and to be humble before God, and to accept the fact that as a flawed individual, I was partly responsible for the failure of my marriage
  • Determination in the face of great pain to seek out part-time employment at Macy's
  • Diligence to stick with Macy's even though the pain was searing at times, and the work grueling and monotonous.
  • Patience to wait for the Lord to provide a full-time job
  • Deliverance with a full-time job
  • Grace to let go of a home shared for almost 15 years
  • Faith to locate a new home to rent
  • Favor with the landlord to rent this home, even after three other applicants, and one approved applicant ahead of me
  • Favor with utilities and others to be able to be settled with minimal out of pocket expense
  • Blessing with financial aid and other sources to be able to purchase new things -- the first time since 1984.
  • Continued blessing to remain in this home, to add to it's comfort, and to enjoy it, and be at peace
  • Peace with relationships, even those torn apart by fire, and slowly mending
  • Grace to work in a job that is boring, and stressful
  • Fatih to consider other options even when so very tired
  • Blessing to graduate with a Masters degree
  • Faith to contemplate a PhD -- no fear as to how to pay for it either
  • Favor to learn cello and study foreign languages
  • Blessing to have a future planned for me, and to know where I am going
  • Faith to consider all options as possibilities, and to look UP and WAIT upon the Lord for His Word to Go
In all these points, one this is consistent, and that is this: the Lord God was with me through it all. Never did I make a decision without His approval, never did I go or do anything without first prayerfully considering it, and waiting for the Holy Spirit to give me the go ahead green light. I never did anything without the Lord first saying it was OK. I have never done this before, in all the years I have been a Christian, and I have never experienced such amazing control, such blessing, and such favor. Nope, this all has transpired -- and some of it with deep sadness and great regret -- because of my reliance upon the Lord and my unwillingness to go before He gave me permission to do so.

I know that there are scoffers out there who would say -- you were just lucky, positive affirmation was all that was needed, you could have done this without religion...but they are wrong. Never before in my life have I been successful, approved or favored. Never.

Never have I ever been able to accomplish so much in so little time, and with so much ability. Never have I have been able to be controlled, and not an emotional mess. No, never. These past couple years, while incredibly difficult, were easy compared to my previous life's choices. I suffered to the point of a breakdown, not once but twice. I was an emotional roller coaster ride, and I rarely was in control of my emotions. I am rock solid now, and I came through great turmoil and trial without falling apart. This is the grace of God at work in my life, and I give Him all the glory, all the praise, and all the honor. No, I have done none of these things on my own. This is all God, and it is to His Name that I give the credit.

May God be praised today, and forevermore. Amen. So be it, Thy will be done.

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