My life is weary -- I prayed and spoke with the Lord about this today -- and I know that I need a very long rest. The past couple years of stress have finally taken their toll on me physically, and I am officially burnt out. In addition to my year-long stint working at Macy's, I have gone through the trauma of divorce (separation, not finalized); foreclosure; moving out on my own for the first time in 30 years; being self-sufficient; raising my son on my own; being unemployed for 18 months -- to now. I cannot even tell you how I feel inside. I am contented with what has passed, but I am so completely worn out emotionally. I rarely laugh. I rarely feel rested and at peace. I am simply on idle -- just motoring on through these days, hoping to finally get to my destination where I can shut off the engine, park the car in the garage, and rest.
As I sit here and recollect on the past changes, I am able to see the Hand of God upon my life. I don't think I could even list all the blessings He has brought to me over the past two-three years. This is just a short list, so here goes:
- Medical intervention when my husband suffered a near-fatal heart attack in 2007
- Medical intervention when my husband suffered a brain-bleed due to uncontrolled hypertension in 2009
- Emotional stability to see me through the turmoil that followed -- lack of money, lack of medical insurance, lack of unity with in marriage
- Strength to stand up to infidelity and say "no"
- Strength to stand my ground at blatant emotional attachment to women outside of marriage
- Strength to continue to hold my family together during all of this while the Lord developed character within me so that I could finally walk away
- Discipline and the willingness to go head to head with family members who thought I was making things up, telling lies, or just over-reacting
- Developed relationship with the Lord to prove that His Way and His Word are always right and good and worthy to heed and obey
- Willingness to be open, to be honest, and to be humble before counselors and others who sought to help reconcile my marriage
- Willingness to be open, to be honest, and to be humble before God, and to accept the fact that as a flawed individual, I was partly responsible for the failure of my marriage
- Determination in the face of great pain to seek out part-time employment at Macy's
- Diligence to stick with Macy's even though the pain was searing at times, and the work grueling and monotonous.
- Patience to wait for the Lord to provide a full-time job
- Deliverance with a full-time job
- Grace to let go of a home shared for almost 15 years
- Faith to locate a new home to rent
- Favor with the landlord to rent this home, even after three other applicants, and one approved applicant ahead of me
- Favor with utilities and others to be able to be settled with minimal out of pocket expense
- Blessing with financial aid and other sources to be able to purchase new things -- the first time since 1984.
- Continued blessing to remain in this home, to add to it's comfort, and to enjoy it, and be at peace
- Peace with relationships, even those torn apart by fire, and slowly mending
- Grace to work in a job that is boring, and stressful
- Fatih to consider other options even when so very tired
- Blessing to graduate with a Masters degree
- Faith to contemplate a PhD -- no fear as to how to pay for it either
- Favor to learn cello and study foreign languages
- Blessing to have a future planned for me, and to know where I am going
- Faith to consider all options as possibilities, and to look UP and WAIT upon the Lord for His Word to Go
I know that there are scoffers out there who would say -- you were just lucky, positive affirmation was all that was needed, you could have done this without religion...but they are wrong. Never before in my life have I been successful, approved or favored. Never.
Never have I ever been able to accomplish so much in so little time, and with so much ability. Never have I have been able to be controlled, and not an emotional mess. No, never. These past couple years, while incredibly difficult, were easy compared to my previous life's choices. I suffered to the point of a breakdown, not once but twice. I was an emotional roller coaster ride, and I rarely was in control of my emotions. I am rock solid now, and I came through great turmoil and trial without falling apart. This is the grace of God at work in my life, and I give Him all the glory, all the praise, and all the honor. No, I have done none of these things on my own. This is all God, and it is to His Name that I give the credit.
May God be praised today, and forevermore. Amen. So be it, Thy will be done.