April 20, 2012

Learning to Rest in God

My paycheck was short this period, and I am a little bit bummed. I messed up on my time sheet last week, and I should have just left things be, but instead, I tried to be honest, and ended up losing $100. I hate the fact that I tried to do the right thing, and was penalized by my company. I could have kept the lie, and ended up with more money in my account. Lesson learned. Next time, just put your time in, and stop worrying about whether you are over or under.

On to other things this morning. I am home today, another vacation day, and I am enjoying my time off. Plans include taking my son to the DMV for his Permit, and then chamber rehearsal this afternoon. I have so much on my plate right now and I am struggling to understand what God wants me to do. I feel pressured, and I don't like it. I need to have everything be done, over with, so that I can rest, but that rest is not coming anytime soon.

I have prayed over this rest, asked God for His help, and yet, I am still sitting here feeling the pressure to perform, the pressure to get things done, and the pressure that says you are behind, not good enough, and you are late. I hate it. I want it to stop. I want to be done with school. I want to be graduated. I want to rest.

On top of all these feelings, is the underlying issue of me not being able to start advanced studies this fall. I wanted to keep going, but now I am finding that my way is blocked. I cannot start at UOPX because they have recently changed the rules and now you must work in Higher Education for two years before you can enroll in the PhD program. You have to be in leadership for two years, which I can say that I was since I ran my own business for 12 years, but I don't have the required two years in administration. So, that means that I cannot enroll at my own school until August 2013. All of my school choices, UOP, Regent, and ASU are now pushed out to 2013. What does this mean to me? Well, either the Lord is giving me rest from school or He is telling me that His plan is for me to start next year?

Lord, which is it?

I am Ok with going to school next year. I already made peace about Regent and ASU. I just thought I would stay on at UOPX and then take some classes to prepare me for enrolling in November. Now that is not the case. More than likely, I will not be able to enroll until next November. It will just depend on the cohorts and when they form.

So, here is the low down on my choices:
  • Regent is holding my application for May 2013 start. I would need to spend the summer or about 2 weeks on their campus sometime in May-June time frame. I am OK with this, but not really sure I want to do that now.
  • ASU requires that I attend full-time. They offer teaching positions to help supplement income, but generally, you have to take the classes when they are available, which is not very often. It is either be a full-time grad student, without income or go someplace else.
Regent is online, partly a hybrid program. ASU is not online -- old fashioned ground campus program. I just don't know if I can cut ASU. This is a major research University and I am out of my league when it comes to this kind of research. Of all the programs, I think UOPX and Regent will be easiest.

So now I don't know what to do. I have to wait regardless of the choice. I feel like my path is blocked and I don't know where to go.

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