I am not sure that I like Blogger's new interface. I guess I have a limit to my posts now, which is a bummer, since I tend to write really long entries. Oh well, brevity...brevity. It is all about brevity.
As I ended my previous post, and started this one, the topic at hand is my inability to rest in God's provision. I cannot see what He is doing right now, and I am confused. I don't know what to do, and I am feeling stuck. Ok, so when this has happened before, I had to let go of my hold and realize that God has it all in His hand. It is under His control, and everything will turn out fine. He is always able to make things work out, and I know that He will not allow a school, a job, or even a computer come in the way of His plans. I need to rest and let things be. God will show me a way out.
I am reminded of a river, and how it meanders through the land. The river runs where it will, and the current drives boats, people, fish, debris, etc. down from the headwaters to the mouth and into a larger body of water, like a lake or bay or ocean. The river is in control of where it goes. The people who are on the river can navigate the current, stay clear of the rocks or other hazards, but generally have to go with the current, and not against it. In dangerous parts where the current is extra strong, the captain must read his map or chart to know where to pilot his boat so that he doesn't cause harm to his vessel or crew.
In this same way, God's Spirit is like that mighty river. He flows His way and we are allowed through the Grace of Christ to ride along. If we struggle against the river of His Will, then we may come to harm or find the going rough. If we yield, then we flow naturally along the current, and the Spirit takes us where He wants us to go.
I have been struggling against the Holy Spirit, and now I understand what I have been doing. I have said that I was willing to go with the flow, but in truth, I have been trying to pilot myself along this river. I have found myself in places where the water is rough, deep, and unsettling. I have been struggling to go up stream, when I needed to turn around and go with the current. I am tired, I am worn out, and I am undone.
There has been blessing in my life, no doubt, but I have struggled with exhaustion to the point of missing all that blessing and enjoyment. This is because I have been going the wrong direction, and I have tried to navigate where clearly I cannot go.
Therefore, I must stop trying to go upstream, and turn around and allow myself to flow with the current and not against it. I don't know how long I have been going against the current, but it has been a long while. My life has been at an almost standstill since January when there were major changes at my work. I felt the pressure of finishing my thesis, of completing two classes at one time while working full-time, and learning a new way to do my job. All of this coincided with losing my house, moving the remnants of my life to a new home, and trying so very hard to keep it all together.
As I ponder this thought, I am struck by the gravity of what I have come through, and how the Lord God has enabled me to make a good life for myself, despite everything I have endured. I am good. I am somewhat healthy now, and I have great prospects for my future. I just am so unhappy where I am right now. I am stressed beyond measure, and I am sad and feeling as though the road ahead is a mountain of rocks and boulders, and I do not have the strength nor the energy to attempt one more step.
What can I do? What should I do? All I hear from the Lord is this word: REST. I am being told daily that I need to rest. Yet, I try and rest, and nothing changes. I try and stay still, and wait, but I am still unwell. I listen for His voice, and I hear TRUST ME. I cry out and say, "Yes Lord" I trust you -- I believe you, but nothing changes.
I am lost, and I am uncertain, and I am so very, very tired.