May 8, 2012

Confused, So Very Confused

Today has been a difficult day. In fact, today was the second difficult day of the week. Not a very good average if both Monday and Tuesday proved difficult for me. I am struggling so to keep my head above water, and to finish my studies at Mercy College. I am not into the work, and I have a week left to get everything done. I know I will, but I am not motivated to do anything. I want to be done, to rest, and to take a long break. Yet, I am contemplating taking some education courses at a local online college that offers Teacher preparation courses. I am afraid I will be bored with having no classes to study for and work towards completing. I wish my doctoral program started in August, but it doesn't start again until next year. I need to take care of myself this year, and rest up for the work ahead. I am finding all this change difficult to process, and that stresses me out.

On top of things, my boss at work thinks I am upset with him. I guess I have been kind of out of sorts, and perhaps I gave him that impression. I didn't mean to do it, I have just been so stressed over this "process" and not performing well. I want to do well, I want to be an achiever, and I hate losing out when I can control the outcome. I hate being left behind, and I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else get ahead. I am tired, and I am cranky, and I want to be done with everything, everything, and everything.

I hope that makes senses -- I cannot really explain it other than to say that I am fed up to here (^) with my life, with the way things are going right now, and with the feeling like I am spinning round and round. I feel like a top, just spinning on the floor -- not really going anywhere but round and round in circles. Perhaps if I stop spinning, then I can sit a while? Not sure how to do that because it is the Lord who has set this in motion. He prepared me for the change, said that things would be changing soon, and that I would need to trust Him. I promised I would hang on to Him, and here I am crying out and asking Him to stop moving so quickly. Oh, I am ashamed for feeling this way, for feeling lost and confused when I know that my Lord is doing some things in my life to make things better for me. I guess I am used to things standing still, to not moving very fast, and this whole shift has caught me off guard. I knew it was coming, but I didn't take Him at His word to me that is would knock me off-kilter. He always tells me the truth, and I know I can trust Him. I believe His Word. I believe Him. I don't trust myself, and I don't rely on Him when things set themselves spinning. Oh, why do I do that? Why do I fail so miserably all the time?

As I sit here typing tonight, I am trying to stay focused on my life, and the changes the Lord is planning for me. I am not sure where I will end up, but I said I would go. I am not sure how things will work out, but I said that I would trust Him. I promised. I gave my word. I made a covenant with Him, and He promised in return to keep me safe and to provide for me. As soon as things began to move, I felt ill. I felt as though I was no longer in control, and I cried out for fear. I cried to the Lord, asking Him to help me, to steady me, and to make me feel better.

I am better, but not feeling 100% yet. I am tired of all these changes. I want to settle a while, to rest, to recuperate, and to start enjoying my days. I don't see any vacation or rest in my future, and that scares me. I am happy for the work, but truthfully, I feel used up, and very worn out. Oh, Lord, how can this be? How can I do anymore? I feel like I am at the breaking point, and I want to lay down for a good long rest.

Help me today to see how all this change fits into your plans for me. Help me to accept what you are doing, to not shirk back, and to rest in your provision. You are faithful. You are true. I trust you today.

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