Good Saturday Morning! It is a cloudy day here in Phoenix, Arizona. What a nice change from our normal "hot and sunny!" I woke up early, even though I told myself I would sleep in. My boys were not being nice this morning, well, in fact -- they have been terrible over the past couple weeks. They have been running and jumping, landing on me and on my desk since I change my home office around two weeks ago. I thought the new arrangement would make things better -- give me a better view, more space, etc. Apparently, the boys were not happy about losing their spots in front of the window, and I worried every night about them bounding into the plate glass window (been there done that one before). I got up early today, moved my desk back to the safety of the side wall, and reset things as they once were in the room. The result -- happy boys. I have one of my desk now, and one taking a "tub" on the bed. They seem content. Finally!
Earlier in the month, my parents and son accompanied me to So. California for my nephews wedding. It was an expensive weekend for me -- almost $600 spent just to be there for a four-day weekend. It was nice to visit with my family, but I personally feel that I am strapped right now, and I don't like that feeling. I have some big credit card debt to pay off (about $1100) and I hate having that feeling that I am squashed against the credit wall. I need to make more money, and right now, there is no way to do that at UOPX.
As far as promotions/salary increase opportunities, I think I am SOL right now. I have completed my tutorials and will be doing my best to complete my skill demonstrations. If I remain at UOPX, I can see anywhere from a 3-7% raise. However, I am not certain that this is possible, and there is talk of layoffs, so part of me says "why try?" I don't know what to do right now. I got word back on a job at Apollo Group -- no go -- and some part of me thinks that they already had someone hired (just going through the motions). I also interviewed with two recruiters from Robert Half Technology, and those went well, but I don't see myself being hired by them any time soon.
I am in this very weird place right now. I am trying to let go of everything and to just rest, knowing that God has me covered, but I am worried about tomorrow and these looming needs. Really, the only need I have is to make sure my son can take his classes at school. I can make payments if I have to do so, but I would rather just pay the bill and be done with it.
I guess I am confused about where I should go next. I feel like I am to continue seeking self-employment, but there is something missing from the mix right now. I spent about two weekends relearning how to use Dreamweaver, and Photoshop. I stepped out in faith and bought some business cards for myself (thanks to Vistaprint.com and their $10 special coupon). I need to register Photoshop CS6 and it would be good to have Dreamweaver CS6 too. I spent last weekend learning CSS again, and even created my site at CarolHepburn.com using CSS.
I think my issue is that I don't want to do this work anymore. I have tried to go back into it, but there is a part of me that simply doesn't want to do it. I know I can, I know I can be good at it. I just don't want to do it. Yes, I like the idea of being self-employed. I like working from home, and I am desperate for a break from the monotony of making 100 dials, and being at my cube/phone for 6 out of 8 hours a day.
I was miserable while I was there, especially at the end of the job. I was bored, my hours often were in the evenings and there were few customers. I was well-liked, and told often how much I was appreciated (very similar to UOPX). I liked most of the people I worked with, and I even liked the managers (some, not all). Generally, Macy's was an OK experience.
I prayed to be released from Macy's, to find a full-time job, and it seemed like my path was blocked. I interviewed, I applied, and I waited patiently for that full-time opportunity to come to me. Eventually, I got hired at UOPX, and started working there last July.
It has been one year for me, one complete cycle. I worked at Macy's for one year, and now UOPX for one year. I am in the same predicament. This job is draining to me mentally. I spend my day in a cube, tied to the phone, and while I do get to talk with students, and help them with decisions about school -- most of my day is sitting around waiting and TRYING to look busy (exactly what I did at Macy's -- resorting, cleaning and other general busy work so that the store manager saw you were "actively" doing your job). I am bored to tears, frustrated, and every night I come home and collapse with exhaustion.
Macy's was exactly the same for me. I came home at night, and plopped into the chair, unable to move. My body ached, my legs throbbed, and the pain was searing. I took Advil, put heating patches on my muscles, and limped to bed at night. The only saving aspect was that I often had the day off (working nights and weekends). I could recover somewhat before the next shift.
I come home from work exhausted, and I usually have to go to the grocery store after work or hit Walmart before I can go home. I make dinner, and then I plop into the chair and fall asleep. I am in bed by 8:30-9:00. My day starts over, and until the weekend comes, I drag myself through and try to keep a good attitude.
I like my co-workers a lot. We laugh and we have fun. I don't make boatloads of money here, and without much hope for promotion, I don't see a solid future. I see more of the same. I hear stories of people who are in my same job, posted for every job opportunity through HR, and getting no where. It is difficult to move up, to move out. I was lied to about that, and I try not to dwell on it much. I was told that I could move into another position in 6 months, that there would be a lot of opportunities for me once I got into the job. This is not true. There are jobs, but it is all about who you know, and often the jobs are competitively shopped.
I don't like my job. I don't like the work, and I don't like that I feel stuck here. I want to do something different, but I don't see any way out.
I wanted to teach college or so I thought. I tried to get hired as a teacher, but no one wants me -- I don't have teaching experience. I tried to get hired in web design/technical support, but again, no one wants me because I don't have verifiable proof of work. I have an old and outdated portfolio. I have rusty skills. Sure I can update them, but there is part of me that says "this was the old me, the past me." I don't want to go backwards in time. I want to move forward, to move up, to do more exciting things. I want to use my Masters degree, and I want to have opportunities to try new things. I don't want to sit infront of the computer and design websites for people. I don't want to do this work.
This is the crux of my problem. I don't want to do this work because I have spent fourteen years doing it. There are still lingering memories that haunt me, and it reminds me of my old life. I am single now. I am supporting myself and my son, and this life, this old way was all tied into my marriage and my life with my husband. I don't want to go backwards, I want to go forwards. I want to do something different.
I have prayed and asked the Lord for His Will, and I know that web design is part of His Will for my life. I have permission to do it, and I know (well, He has promised me) that I will be blessed in it. I am hesitant, not that I don't believe His word to me, but rather at the thought of being totally reliant on Him to provide -- outside of an employer.
I am struggling to do what He has asked. I have completed my task list, and yet, I am stuck. I say I am ready, that I have let go of UOPX, and that I am willing to do this work. In truth, I am not. I don't want to do it. I have no other choice. I see no other road open to me. I can stay where I am and continue to suffer in the pain and mental stress or I can let it go and get on with the work. I can say "Ok, Lord -- I will do this work, even if it is not pleasing to me or I feel unqualified to do it." Yes, I have to choose to obey to Lord even though I don't want to do what He is asking me to do.
I recognize that I am stuck in a job I hate. I know that there is no way out for me at this point in time. I have applied, I have interviewed, and I am getting the same old run-around. I can either wait another year and try again, or I can be open to letting you show me the way out of this situation. I let go, Lord. I let it all go. I am tired, and I am fed up with my life as it is. I want what is best for me and for my son. I know that only you can provide me with the best. Therefore, Lord, I rest and trust that you will provide for me this day. I confess this now, and I ask in the power of your Name for this to come to pass. Make a way for me today. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah (pause and calmly think about that!)