July 29, 2012

Failure 101

I can't help but feel this way today. I know what I was supposed to achieve, but I cannot do it. I have tried, don't get me wrong, and I have studied and applied myself -- but I cannot figure out how to do what I need to do.

I know that part of me struggles with trying to understand new concepts. I used to be really savvy, and able to pick up on new things quickly. Lately, my mind has been mushed up, and learning new things hasn't come easily to me. The only exception has been with my schooling, and with cello. For some reason I am able to study very complex theories, and learn new cello pieces fairly easily. I know this is a "God thing," but why for the love of Pete, I cannot remember how to design websites is beyond me.

Let me explain. A month ago, I prayed over the idea of going back into business for myself. I thought that becoming a website designer again would solve all my problems. I could work from home, earn far more than what I currently earn through my 7-4 p.m. job, and have the freedom to come and go as I please. I asked the Lord if this was OK, and I believed I was hearing "yes." I took a giant step of faith, and started to re-train my brain to be a web designer. The problem was that every time I tried to learn how to use the software again, I would fog up, and not be able to do it. I tried using other programs, downloading free trials, and scanning hundreds of templates to get inspired again. I made it through one CSS template, and that is what I happen to have online. However, every other time, I could do nothing. Nothing at all.

My free trial for Photoshop and Dreamweaver has expired. I cannot design using any other program. I have tried to work with CSS today, but after giving it a good five-six hours, I simply have given up.

What is wrong with me?

I prayed today and asked the Lord what I need to be doing. I have written down what I believed I was to accomplish, and while I have tried to do these things -- I have ended up with nothing to show for my time. I cannot do this work anymore. It is as if all the ability is gone from me. I can only do certain things, and the rest, well -- all the other stuff I used to do (technical, graphic and other) is lost.

I don't usually give up that easily. I am very willful and stubborn about most things. I feel like I am pushing a gigantic rock up a hill all by myself. I believed that I was doing what God wanted me to do. I mean -- I know I cannot remain at UOPX for much longer. I am beat, literally beat from the daily grind there. I don't want to stay, and I have tried to find a different job within the company. I have had no luck, and I have had no luck with recruiters either.

There is no job on the horizon, and this path seems totally blocked to me. It is not that I cannot go down it, it is just that I am going down it without any ability. I have asked the Lord to do this through me, but that doesn't seem to be what He wants to do. I know He can do it, and I know I can do it. What seems to be missing is the connection to DO IT.

Dear Lord,

Ok, I let go and I give up. I cannot do this work anymore. I have tried now for the past three weeks. I have worked so hard to try and understand, and it seems like a foreign language to me. I want to do your work, but truthfully, I don't think this is it. Unless you come along and make this happen, I don't see anyway for this path to produce the results you have promised. What am I missing? Help me to understand so that I can move forward with you, go where you are calling me to go, and do the work you have in mind for me to do. I ask now that you forgive my arrogance, and I ask that you help me understand what I am doing wrong. Thank you, Jesus -- I ask for help in your GREAT NAME, Amen.

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