Oh, what a long week! I has been an incredible journey into self-doubt, and some fear and loathing. I am riding the backside of all those emotions, and I am feeling great! First of all, I have come to terms with my life, and with the plans God has in store for me. I am no longer my own person, and by that I mean, that my entire life is surrounding and directed by what I believe to His purpose for my life. I am focused, and I am directed and I know where I am going. It is a great feeling to be connected to the One who made you, and who has called you to live a certain way.
I still feel a bit antsy about the whole mess at work -- you know -- manager #3 leaving mid-week, and no news on what will happen next. I will have 4 managers in one year of work, which IMHO, is just crazy. These managers have all left because of what they felt was a lack of opportunity for growth. They have gone on to better jobs, better pay, and far better pastures. I am happy for them, and I wish them all the best. I think you have to go when you sense the door opening, and that is where I am at today.
I am getting ready for work, taking some extra time this morning just to live and let be. I am on my way out that door, literally the UOPX door, so I don't really mind showing up late. I don't plan to take advantage of my employer, mind you, but frankly I have worked myself into such a state over the last year, allowing the pressure to perform to make me sick. I will not allow that to happen again. I have learned that mighty lesson. No one has the right to make another person ill by pressuring them into performing a certain way. We ALLOW them to do it when we give them the power. I am saying no, and I am taking the power back. God is over me, He is in control, and therefore, my employer -- however grateful I may be for a job -- will not coerce me into working harder so that I come into work with fear and anger about the work I am supposed to be doing each day.
As I consider my way, and I think about what the plans are for my life, I realize that I have allowed a company to call the shots over my life. When I was at Macy's I didn't do this. Sure they tried to make me work more hours, work harder, sell more credit, etc., but I stood my ground and I said "Sure ---" all the while I did what I knew was best, best for me. At UOPX, I was so bent on fitting in and on being liked, that I worked harder than anyone else. I did the dials, I tried my very best, and I spent days and months agonizing over how to be what they expected me to be. Of course, this was an impossibility, because that would have been like asking a cat to be a dog. Perhaps you could train the cat to bark, to scratch a certain way, to fetch -- but inside and on the outside -- you would still have a cat ACTING like a dog.
In much the same way, this is what I experienced. I tried to become what I thought they wanted, and in doing so, I lost that part of me that keeps me centered, and happy. I am not your typical advisor, and in fact, I am not a good advisor (honest opinion). I am a Creative Designer -- it is what I am really -- and the past year of running from my true ability -- has caused me great discomfort and pain. I am liked a caged animal, pacing back and forth, who finally succumbs to sleep due to boredom. I need to be free, I need to be able to do what I do, and not be stuck in a cage all day long. Some people can do it, and the Lord knows that school's like UOPX need advisors to work their lines; however, I am not one of them. I have not wanted to say it for fear of being let go, but now I am fully trusting the Lord to provide, so I can say it aloud: I am not an advisor, I am a creative person who needs to be set free so they can be creative!
As I sit here right now, my heart is expectant and ready to receive the work opportunity that will allow me to walk away from this nightmare of a job. I don't mean to make it sound terrible, just in case one of my fellow workers reads my blog, but in truth, the job is mundane and boring. I know many of my coworkers who like the job, and I think the reason is that they are comfortable with the parameters of the work. This is a good thing, and I heartily champion them on! Go get those students -- enroll them, and help them make good choices for their futures! But as for me, I am saying good bye. I have made my choice, made my decision and today is my last day (figuratively speaking). My plans are to work the next two pay periods or to the 24th of August. I am asking the Lord to set me free, to release me and to give me the go ahead to walk out that door as a employee on that last Friday in August.
It will be one year and one month since I was unemployed, and for the first time in an entire year, I feel good again. Even with all the pain at Macy's I can say that I never felt this burdened. Sure, I have debt now, more than I did last year, but I never felt so bad physically (even with the pain), nor so completely foggy mentally. I have deteriorated physically working in this place, gained 15 pounds, and look and feel awful. I am ready to get back to the way I was then, a lot less heavy, and feeling so much better on a daily basis. I am ready to be set free, and I wait on the Lord for His provision so I can walk away, and be free.
Now to make some plans for the day. I am in a quandary as to what to do. I can stay home without pay today, but that will leave me short on my last pay check. I feel like this is what I want to do, but I am not sure. I have a student starting class on Tuesday, and one in her first sequence as an Associate student. I need to be there to follow up with them, but frankly, I want to stay home to do work. I want to spend today doing the Lord's work, and making my new life a reality. I know this is God's business, and as such, I am his worker only. I am not calling the shots, but there is a part of me that wants to stay home, and rest. I need to rest. I have another weather-induced migraine, and frankly, I just want to stay at home.
What should I do? I don't know. I can certainly go into work, sit at my desk and wait for a call from a potential student. I can do this, but truthfully, I don't want to go. I know I should -- well lets say I have that feeling of pressure to conform and the guilt over not showing up in my head. My heart says stay at home, rest and do the Lord's work today. Yes, but isn't being faithful to your employer doing the Lord's work? Absolutely, and I do understand it and normally I would be right there. But today is different. Today is the day the Lord has made, and I am choosing to rejoice and be glad in it. I am choosing to do what I feel the Lord wants me to do. I know the risks of not showing up. I know that they could say "she is slacking off, so let's fire her." Yes, they can do this, they can choose to let me go for not meeting expectations. I have met and exceeded expectations. I have enrolled a lot of students, brought a lot of money into the company. I used all my vacation and the sick time I had when I was finishing my Masters program. I need a personal day, and I don't have any more paid leave. So if I take a personal day today, it will have to be without pay. So be it, God will provide for me.
I am considering taking a personal day today because I need to stay at home. Not for illness, but because I am choosing to take control of my days, and use them for your Name alone. I will not do this without your permission because I do not want to waste the day you have given to me. I can go into work, leave early. This would work as well, but I feel that just staying home is a good thing today. Please tell me what to do? I wait upon you, and I am here to do your work, always your work. In your Gracious Name, I ask this now. Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah!