Another week has passed by and I am OK. God is so very good to me.
Last week was probably one of the toughest I have had over the past six or seven months. I was oppressed, and I was feeling chastised by God. I cannot really explain it other than to say that I was miserable the entire week, and the more I tried to understand why I felt the way I did, the more confused and confounded I became. Thankfully, I made the decision to trust God, and in doing so, He graciously showed me the way out.
Friday was a much better day for me. Although nothing has changed externally, I feel changed internally. I am content to be where I am, and I am no longer feeling anxious or worried about the road ahead. I am confident that the plans the Lord has for my life are Good. I am also feeling certain that the path I am on is the path of the Lord's choosing. I may not understand what I am to do next, but I feel better about where I am at the moment. This is a very good thing, a very good thing.
Some things have changed at work, but again, nothing drastic. I am still in limbo, on a team without a manager. My Director has not said a word about who will take over our group, and the other manager who is filling in seems to be concerned only with timecards and temporary approvals for student progression. I was worried about having to be managed by this person. She is a very nice lady, but I know her management style and my work style will clash. Moreover, I feel stressed whenever I think about her being my manager, and so for now, I am content to be manger-less for the next weeks.
What this means to me is simply that it is my responsibility to do my work each day. I have no one looking over me or making me do anything at all. I could slack off, as some have done when in similar situations, or I can keep on doing what the job requires. Now, it is certain that I don't like doing what the job requires, but for me, it is a mute point. As long as I remain in this job, then I have to do what is required of me. Pretty simple -- do the job you were hired to do.
I had an opportunity to interview for AT&T last week. I applied for a marketing position with one of their subsidiaries, and I actually got voicemail for a pre-screening interview. I called back to say that I would be available, and the next morning got an email saying "Thank you, but we've hired someone already." I was a little put off because I never got the chance to even speak with the HR person. Oh well, not meant to be, I guess.
This made me re-evaluate where I am right now, and where I need to be. I am working full-time, and while the job is not great, it is a job, and I am thankful for it. I don't know how much longer I will remain at this company, due to many factors, so for now I am content to just do the work. However, I know that I cannot remain there longterm because the job itself is not a good fit for me and I am not able to progress into a position that would suit my skills. Therefore, I have to wait this out until the Lord provides something else for me to do.
As I wait, I think about what I would like to do, and the opportunities that exist for me here in Phoenix (well, really anywhere). There are a lot of jobs, but there are a lot of people out of work. It is very competitive out there, and the candidates are being picked by hand. It is important to have an exact match to the qualifications an employer seeks or else you will not even be considered for a screening interview. This means that you can apply hundreds of times, and your resume will never been seen by the key person. It is frustrating, and it can be very depressing.
I think the depression is what gets to me most. When I feel that I am stuck, stuck where I am and where I think I should be seems closed off -- then I feel that crushing weight of helplessness. Depression is when you feel that you are helpless, that you have no way out, and the only thing you can do is sink down and sit until someone shows you another way. I have been depressed before, and unfortunately, I tend to suffer with mild depression. I have never gotten to the point where I needed medication, and thank the Lord, I have a great relationship with my Savior. My Savior's love is what sustains me, and His Word which promises me that there is always HOPE. Even when it seems so dark all around me, I remember that with God, there is only light. And, in that light is the blessed HOPE of a Loving and Gracious God. Yes, My God lives, and because He lives, I can live as well! God is so very good to me!
Now, I am faced with the next steps. I understand what has been, and I see what is before me. I am ready to start moving again, but this time with far greater humility and understanding. There is only one WAY, and it is His WAY. I no longer want my way, at any time -- I want His WAY always. I know that with Him, there will be good success, and a prosperous road. I know with Him, I will be safe and I will find good things to do, good work. I know that with Him, I don't have to be afraid of the unknown, because nothing is unknown to Him. Yes, God is Good all the time. God is so very good to me.
Now that I am at rest, I can start to think about what needs to be. I have some tasks to complete today and tomorrow, but for the most part, I am ready to go where He needs me to go. I am ready to walk His way, and to follow after Him. May God be praised today, I am ready.