Ok, so I took yesterday off without pay (half day) just so I could relax and feel better. I have been dealing with migraines for the past two weeks, and while I believe they are weather related, there is a part of me that thinks good ol' stress is really the culprit.
Today, I spent about half the morning suffering with a tension headache. I finally found some relief with a combination of a good breakfast and two extra-strength liquid Advil's (my lifesavers). It still took more than an hour for the pain to subside, but during that time, something happened to me that made me rethink my dreams last night (oh, did I mention I had some pretty weird dreams?) and the headaches/stress/fatigue of the past several weeks.
It really started this morning when I felt the Lord prompting me to login to the career boards for another look at jobs. I was set on returning to my business as a designer, even having ordered business cards, etc. I have struggled with being comfortable with going back into that business -- but I did do what I thought the Lord asked of me -- to prepare and design a website so I could open for clients. Some how today just seemed to slip by me, and before I knew it, I had applied to several sales type positions and never did get that redesign online.
Later, I went to Walmart to pick up a couple items for the weekend. I prayed throughout my drive there, and even while I was in the store. I asked the Lord for guidance to help me understand His will for me regarding the "job" or daily income-producing work He wants me to do. I was uncertain whether I made the best choice of my time, and whether applying for sales positions was the right move for me.
Truthfully, I detest sales. I happen to be really, really good at selling (thanks to 25 plus years of marriage to a salesperson). My former DH tells me all the time that I could make a lot of money in sales because I am so good at it. I shrug it off, not wanting to even GO THERE with that kind of talk. Yet, today I applied to two major companies for B2B Sales work. Will I get hired? Who really knows, I just felt like it was worth my time to apply.
As I was driving home, I prayed again about this job and whether I was doing the right thing. I said these words (or set of words) and then I heard the Lord reply to me:
"Lord, I don't want to sit in front of a computer all day long and design websites again. I want to be free to come and go, and I want to do work that affords me great opportunity for income. I also want to be able to come home at night and rest -- watch TV. I want to spend my weekends enjoying my parents and my son, and I want to travel and enjoy life."
I realized as soon as the words came out of my mouth what the hold has been with me going back into my business. I don't want to do this kind of work. Yes, I was good at it. I survived twelve years, earning a decent living working from home while I home schooled my son. I am now almost 50 and my interests have changed. I want money, retirement plans and I want to start living. Yes, working from home can afford that to me, and I know the Lord would provide abundantly for me. But I would rather do something different.
Is this wrong of me? Is this just me not trusting the Lord for His provision of self-employment?
I don't know, I guess we will have to wait and see. All I know is that I feel better, less stressed, and ready to just rest and relax. I don't want to do a job that consumes me, but I also don't want to be bored. I need a different job, and I realized today that I had the power to choose a different job. I may not get hired, and it will be up to the Lord to provide, but I am willing to consider working in a different type of work so long as it aligns with His will and is acceptable to Him.
I am trusting you. I believe that you will make me a success -- whether I stay at home and do design work or sell something for a business or corporation. I am tired. I want to have more freedom and control over my future, and I want to do something and be paid better for doing it. I pray now that no matter what happens, I am willing and agreeable to your will. I am trusting you now, and I ask in the Power of Your NAME to provide some opportunity to me. I will work from home or I will work for some other company. I let go, I let it be, and I am choosing now to rest in your complete and utter care and provision of all my needs. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!