September 2, 2012

Thinking More About Tomorrow

It's Sunday, and I am feeling really depressed. I have been weepy all morning. I was watching "Dogs 101" on Animal Planet, and I was balling my eyes out over sappy stories about dogs and their owners. What is wrong with me! I feel sad and I feel lost. I am not sure why, but I think it is because I am in transition today. I will be giving my notice to my employer this week, and then will begin a new job next Monday. Perhaps it is letting go of one constant in my life in favor of something new. I don't handle change well. I don't like upset. I don't like new things.

I am such a creature of habit. My son tells me this all the time. He will say, "WOW! Mom, I cannot believe you just did....X" whenever I do something out of the ordinary. Lately, I have been breaking the self-imposed rules and I have been making choices (small choices, yet still out of the norm for me). I have been stepping out, and looking at the world in a new way. I have been trying to reach into the future to grab hold of whatever the Lord has in mind for me there. My goal is as always -- to stay firmly fixed on the Lord's plan for my life, to do whatever He asks of me. I cannot help but feel as though I am not where I should be, that somehow I missed the turn or the curve in the road?

Oh, LORD, tell me where to go, and what to do this day? Please!

Today is September 2nd, and perhaps the reason for my upset is that there are two memorials this month. The first is my 28th wedding anniversary, and the second is my son's 19th birthday. I didn't feel this way last year or even the year before when my marriage really went ker-plunk. This year, however, I am sad, very sad.

It all started yesterday when I talked with my co-worker. She asked me if I planned to date "soon." I responded with "no." She asked why, and I said "Well, I am still married." She is Catholic, and while not practicing her faith, still abides by the rules of the church. My faith is likewise in the sense that I am solidly grounded in Biblical understanding about divorce and remarriage. I am married for life, that is the short of it. I am not divorced, and my husband is still alive. Therefore, I am to remain single until such a time that he passes or that we are reconciled. Do I hope for reconciliation? Honestly, yes. Is it realistic -- in truth -- no. However, my heart is loyal to the man I said "I do" to almost 28 years ago.

My coworker then said that I looked "lonely." I took her words personally, and they stung me. I am lonely, for certain, and I have talked to the Lord about it often. Yet, in my loneliness I am also very content and at peace with the changes in my life. I am very pleased with what I have now, and the very thought of going back to what I endured during my marriage, is something I do not want to even think about nor consider. Truthfully, I have a full bank account, bills paid on time, and money in savings. I have made a good life for myself, and I will be going to a better job in a week's time. This is a huge change from the life I lived with my husband.

In all our 28 years, I only recall the first two or three as being well-set. I mean, he was working, and I was working, and together we had enough income to pay the bills. We did fun things, things that young married couples do before they have children. We took lots of day trips, did fun outings, went to the baseball games, etc. Later on, after my husband decided to be self-employed, we suffered financially. We barely made a living, and although I worked, we never paid our bills nor had any extra to cover our needs. It was a life of poverty, and I hated the stress of living under such extremes -- especially when it was by choice.

Zoom forward some twenty years later, and while the blessing of having a child ruled our lives together, it was all that held us together. We did everything for our son, and he was our priority. Still lack of income made us dependent upon parents and friends. It was a horrible way to live, again totally by choice.

Now I am self-sufficient, and while I miss the days of being a SAHM, I don't miss the stress and fear of living without necessities. I am content to be where I am, although I miss the family and connections.

My husband is on his own as well, and has significant medical issues. If we were to remain together, my life would be that of providing for him as well as my son. I would have to work to keep him healthy, and I would bear the brunt of the financial responsibility. I would do what I did all those years -- work like a slave to support two people -- and grind myself into the ground through faithfulness and loyalty to someone who never was loyal or faithful to me.

Granted, this is not what it is supposed to be like -- marriage, I mean. Yet in my case, this is what it would be. I would do everything at home, go to work, and try to manage everything again. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot take on all that responsibility. My body is failing, and I can barely take care of myself and my son. I cannot take on his problems again.

Don't get me wrong, I still care for him. I want him to be well, but I want him to take control of his own life and make choices that will help him, and not continue to hurt him. I cannot go back into the "Mom" role. I must remain free to do what I believe God is calling me to do. I must focus on what the Lord is asking me to do, and leave all the rest in His capable hands.

God has called me to be single through this difficult time. I don't date. I don't attract men. I don't flirt. I work, I come home, and I go to church. I take care of my parents. I take care of my son. I go to school. I do cello studies. I pray for my friends on facebook, and I keep to myself. It is my life, albeit at times, lonely. I am content to live this life, and to let the Lord choose my path for me. I may be sad today, but it is just for today. I know that God will bring me blessing and favor, and that I can rest in the sufficiency of His care. He is so very Good to me.

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