November 18, 2012

Next Steps

What a beautiful Sunday morning! I woke up at my normal time, even though I stayed up until 12:30 finishing up some OT for my job at CVS Caremark. My entire team was required to work OT this weekend, and while not happy about it, we all understand that this is something that has to happen. Unfortunately for me, OT is difficult. I am already living in a depleted state -- energy and health-wise. Between the CFS and the exhaustion from the past several years of intense stress -- I am running on about 25%. I have tried vitamins, changing my sleep habits, diet, etc. Nothing seems to be helping me overcome the fatigue. I am not tired in the sense of having to lay down and take a nap -- it is more a weariness of spirit. I feel low on energy, a lack of interest in wanting to do anything but rest at home. I don't go out, I don't do anything unless I absolutely have to do it.

I was looking into the fridge this morning, and I thought "I have no food in the fridge." When I was living with my husband, we spent a lot of money on food. It always bugged me because my husband would make a list for me to do the shopping. He would say "we need this or that" item at the store. I would go to the store, get what was on the list, and it always seemed we had those extra things -- stuff to make lunch or dinner.

I live off of TV dinners and frozen entrees. I buy what my son will eat so that he eats food at home, and not on the run. I usually take a protein bar or yogurt to work for breakfast. I take a Lean Cuisine or some other frozen dinner for my lunch. At night, I will often make a salad or something really easy -- not time consuming -- to eat.

I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about eating. In the old house, I was always baking or making something to eat. Yes, I didn't like the fact that we never had enough money, but it seemed like there were always baked goods in the house. I don't have time anymore to bake. I am beat when I get up in the am and beat when I come home in the pm. My life is all about work now. I miss the days when I could go to lunch with my parents, or go shopping with my Mom. I miss the days of not having the carry all the responsibility on my shoulders.

I remember crying to the Lord, begging Him to give me the responsibility to care for myself and my son. I was not happy with the way my husband was providing, and while we struggled financially for so many years, in truth, he did attempt to provide for us. Business was never successful. He did try very hard to pay the bills. I see now that often he gave up, just gave in to the fact that there wasn't enough money to go around and that the bills would have to go unpaid again. I am sure this pressure to pay bills, and not having enough to do it, wore him down as well. He did his best considering our situation, and while we didn't have enough back then, we did survive, and we did eat.

I know now how hard it is to be the sole breadwinner in a family. Perhaps 20-30 years ago it was different. Now it takes so much money to support yourself, not to mention a family. I am careful with my money, and still I don't have enough to be "comfortable." I was just saying this to my Mom the other day, how with my new job I still feel as though I don't have enough to go round each month. I am thankful, and I give God the Glory for providing this job to me -- but still it seems like it is not enough for me.

I miss sharing the burden of the family with another person. God is my friend, my ally - He keeps me. However, in a marriage, there are two people who work together to bear each others burdens. It is very hard for a single person, especially when the weight fall heavy upon them. I do miss having that friend to share the load, the walk beside, and to rely on for support. I miss this aspect of marriage very much, and my heart grieves that it will never be this way again.

I don't miss the difficult parts, and I don't miss the sin. However, in Grace, I have come to understand sinfulness, and I am far more aware of just how deeply sin pervades all our lives. We are sinners saved by Grace, and without God's Grace, we would be lost forever from His Sweet Mercy. I am thankful for His Provision, and for Protecting me. God is so very Good to me. He is so very Good.

No comments: