December 27, 2012
It is a New Day
Since this picture was taken back in 2006, my life has radically changed. I am no longer a SAHM. I am a full-time worker, and thank the Lord, a good provider for my son. I have completed college (graduate studies), and am now working as an Analyst for CVS Caremark in Scottsdale. I like the work I do, though I don't care for the very long hours, and the stress that accompanies this kind of work (loads of problem-resolution, upset clients, angry account managers, etc.)
I am seriously considering looking for other work, but do not want to go back into the job market, do the "interview" thing, and deal with the stress of finding another job (and settling in, meeting new people, etc.) I don't like change, and I don't like having to start over. Part of me wants to just stick this job out, even though I know that it will not work well with doctoral classes. I think I can squeak by until fall, but once the 2013 Welcome Season arrives, there will be no way for me to do school and keep up with the duties of working at CVS.
I honestly do not know what to do. Is it better for me to stay put until I have been at CVS for one full-year, and then move to another position? Or should I bite the bullet and look now -- taking the opportunity to move right away, should an opportunity present itself? I am not sure what the Lord wants me to do, but I do know that I am feeling the pressure to move, or at the least, to get prepared for a move.
My son is settled on ASU for the next two years, so this means we are staying put in Arizona. It is a good thing since my parents are selling their home and downsizing to an apartment. They need to reduce their expenses, and to let go of a property that requires maintenance and upkeep. They have decided to move to a lovely little place nearby, only two miles farther away, but still close to us, to shopping, to church, etc. It is a very good thing, and I believe it is the Lord's will for their lives.
I am usually the one who is convinced of God's will in my own life. I am usually the one who knows exactly what I am doing, and how I am doing it. Today, though, I feel befuddled, and like as if I am standing on a precipice and looking downward. All I see is the steep climb, and the uncertainty of a path.
God is calling me toward Regent, I do know this. I just don't know how I am to get there. I have been on a path through UOPX, and now CVS Caremark, where I would do "a job" until I graduated in 2017. I have been told, pressed upon by the Holy Spirit, that there is no career job for me, just good work (good income producing jobs) that I will do until that time. I want a career, well I did want one. I wanted one job where I could stay and work until I retired. I didn't want to switch jobs again, and have to start all over. The Lord has been clear with me that there is no other work for me to do but His work. There is no "job" out there but the job I do to provide daily income to cover our needs.
I have placed so much emphasis on getting a career, on having one path, one certain way to go. I have wanted to be a teacher (like my friends who retired recently after 30 plus years teaching high school Math). I have wanted to be an analyst, which I am, and work in a corporate position moving up the ladder until I can retire and have life benefits. I have wanted to security of a good job so that I didn't have to constantly rely on the Lord for provision.
He has said NO and He has maintained that I will rely on Him alone for my provision. It is not that the Lord looks down on steady income and a good job -- oh no! It is just that in my case I have placed so much emphasis on having a good job, that I have allowed it to become an idol I worship. I admit it, it is true. I don't want to worry about money, and I don't want to worry about my future.
Some worry is normal, and in uncertain times, with the economy swinging between bad and good, it is OK to be concerned about steady employment. And, as many good people have said to me, "be happy for the job you do have." Yes, I am! Yes, I am!
The problem is that I am not happy in any job I have had recently. I am tired, so very tired of the grind of working 8-5, M-F. I just came off three glorious days off, and I can tell you that I relaxed for the first time in a very long while. I woke up naturally, and I accomplished so much at home. I felt comfortable again, and I started to feel good (well inside). My stomach is starting to twist up, and I am feeling uneasy about having to get ready for work today. I look at the clock on the computer, and see the minutes counting upwards to 7 a.m. I need to leave the house by 7:40 to be at work by 8:00. It is OK, I will do it -- but there is a part of me that doesn't want to go to work today.
I have to, of course. I have to work. No one else is going to provide for me, save the Lord, and He expects me to do my best each day. He expects me to go to work and do the tasks assigned to me. I honor Him with my attitude, even when it is not the best (like today). I try very hard to be a good worker, to do whatever is asked of me. I am just so very tired of the grind. I am so very tired of not feeling well, and of not looking my best (I am a good 20lbs overweight, and it nags at me). I don't want to go on this way, and I don't want to face that steep downhill climb.
Lord, why do I feel this way today? I have had such a good Christmas, and a blessed week of rest? I don't want to give up the way I feel, to return to work with this uncertainty about my future there. I want to rest, to remain at rest, and to stay home. I know I must go, and I am willing to go. I ask that you go before me today, that you will prepare my way, and make it smooth. I am not sure what is going on, I just know how I feel, and that this feeling is not normal. I ask now for your grace to do the work I must do, and to go into work and be available to whatever is asked of me. May your Name be praised today, and forever more. You are God, and I am resting in You alone. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!