January 5, 2013

Always Confused

It is Saturday, and I am sitting at my computer (personal) thinking about the day, and lamenting the fact that I have to work this weekend. I don't mind working from home, in fact, I really like to work from home. I find that I get a lot more done when I am home alone. There are less distractions, fewer interruptions, and the quiet solitude allows me to focus on my tasks.

I worked from home yesterday. I wasn't feeling well, so I called in and worked on my laptop from my home office. I ended up working from 7-5:30 without any breaks, which played havoc on my back and tailbone. I cannot do that anymore. When I finally went to bed last night, my backside throbbed for over an hour. The pain was excruciating, and vibrated throughout my internals -- you know -- feeling like I was being pulled and pushed internally.

I spent the day working on my own projects, but about midday, was pulled off of those and told to work on a group project. Later in the afternoon, we were told we would have to work this weekend because we didn't get the group project completed. I am not sure why this is the case, but with this job in particular, our group doesn't seem to be able to get its work done.

We have two groups, two locations, and I am based in Scottsdale. I know our Scottsdale team works hard, and does whatever is asked of them. However, there is some criticism about our other team not pulling their share. I don't know if this is the case because they are located in another state -- and I am not privy to their work schedules. It does appear -- that my group seems to bear the brunt of the work.

So here I sit thinking about the day, and wishing that I didn't have these responsibilities anymore. I miss the days when I could come and go at my pleasure, shop with my Mom, or just do nothing -- all because I could choose what to do. My life is not that way anymore. I work full-time, and my job is all-consuming for me. I pay my bills, I keep my home, I plan for the future. This is what I wanted, yes, this is what I wanted. I wanted to be responsible, to be in charge, and to live rightly (uprightly). I asked the Lord for His permission to be responsible, to move out from my circumstances, and to live differently. I didn't want to live desperate anymore, you know, living without knowing where the money would come from, putting off bills, and hiding from bill collectors. Yes, this was my life for more years than I care to recall. I was tired of it, and when the door of opportunity opened, I ran through it. I praised God for His Provision, and for the privilege of being able to be responsible.

Don't get me wrong, it is good to be responsible. However, it can be a burden when you are the only one who carries that load. God is my Partner, and He carries the burden. The little bit I carry is still too heavy for me, and I am sinking under the weight. Oh, Lord, help me to not sink today!

The sun is rising -- I can see it out my bedroom window. The sky is pink and gray, and a little blue. The pine trees block my view, but I can still see the pink sky peeking through the branches. I marvel at what God has done in my life and I thank Him for His Goodness to me. He has made a way for me. He has opened doors, and helped me walk through them. I think about that Don Moen song, "God Will Make a Way,"

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today


God has made a way for me. I am following after Him now, and He is leading me through the trials, the challenges, and the difficulties I face. He keeps me. He helps me. He shows me the way to go. I thank Him for His Grace. I thank Him for being there, never leaving me alone, and never letting me handle everything on my own. He is so very good to me. God is so very good to me.

Today is a new day. Everyday is a gift from God. Everyday is an opportunity to explore the Grace of God. I see this, I know this, and I am aware of the great gift I have been given. I still feel overwhelmed, and I am burdened. The Lord promises me that the burden I carry is not unusual or uncommon -- and in light of humanity -- my burden is very light compared to what others carry. The Lord knows me, He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He knows what I can and cannot do. I am thankful that He knows me personally. I am blessed to know that He will not let the burden fall too heavy on me. He is always with me, always there helping me to keep moving forward. Thank you, Lord, for never leaving me alone, for never letting this fall on me. You are so very good to me.

As I consider this day, I thank God for the Grace He has given to me. I know I can do what is asked of me by my employer. I can do what God asks of me in regard to the plans He has for me. I can write that admissions essay. I can work the hours I am asked to work. I can pay my bills. I can plan for tomorrow. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for providing your Grace to me, and for leading me by the hand. I know that you have everything under control, and that my life is planned and purposed. You are in charge of the details, and you are working everything out for my good. You will do your work. You will accomplish your will in and through my life. I can rest in that knowledge, knowing you are sufficient in every way. I can trust you to do what you have promised. I can let go now, and let this all be as you have planned it. I will do what you ask, and you will see to my needs. It is your way, and I thank you. May your name be praised today, and forever more. Amen, so be it. Thy will be done. Selah!

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