January 26, 2013

Feeling So Down

So I had my interview yesterday. The professor had been told that he could call me between 1-3 my time. I had been told he would call at 1:00 p.m. Just a mix up, a misunderstanding. However, the call was awkward, you know, always is when it starts with an apology. However, we chatted for about any hour, and for the most part, I did OK.

I hate interviews. Have I said that before? Probably a dozen or so times. I am just not a good interviewee. I don't like being put on the spot, and I don't like to have to come up with answers. Yes, I know -- I should have something prepared, but that seems canned, artificial, and I don't do well with prepared speeches. I would have blown it, and since it didn't come right from me, I would have said things all sideways, backwards and inside out. No, I had decided to just be me, and well, that is what I did.

I was told I was a strong candidate, but that they had a lot of interest in the program. I guess that is to tell me that there is no guarantee I will be accepted. I get that -- I mean after all -- it is a doctoral program. The faculty can only oversee so many dissertations. I understand that there is competition, and I guess that is why I feel so down today. I feel like I didn't present myself well to this man. I tried, but I ended up sounding like a former SAHM who has time on her hands and decided to go to graduate school. This is true, of course, but it is just a fraction of the real picture. I tried to explain how I feel that God has called me to Regent, to study this program, and that I am going to the mission field. God has done this, and Regent is His choice. This is His program choice, not mine. I would have chosen English or some other field, but this is what He wanted for me.

I don't think I conveyed that to them. I don't think I made the point clearly enough. I am going to Regent because God has told me to "Go to Regent."

The good news is that I get a second chance with another interviewer. I will get to do this all over again, meet with another faculty member, try to not sound incoherent. AGH!

I was told that the decision would be made sometime in February. Hopefully, I will have my second interview this week, and then I can rest until that decision comes. God is Good. He knows me well, and He knows that I do not want to do another interview. I am trusting Him to do this interview, to convey whatever needs conveyed so that this can be done. I am ready, Lord. Let's get this thing over with so I can rest. Please Lord? Please let this come to pass now so that I can stop thinking about it, and just get on with the work you have for me.

There you have it. I am ready to let this all go. I am ready to let go of Regent and let God do whatever He determines to do with it.

Lord -

I am done with Regent. I am finished trying to make this come to pass. I cannot do it, I know it. This is your way, your choice, your provision; and even though I have confessed that to you a million times, I have still felt like I had to do this, like it was all up to me. This is not true, and today, I realize this truth. This path, this next step, is something beyond my reach. I cannot go to Regent without you. I cannot do this level of work without you. I cannot even begin to move towards it -- you must do it all. Therefore, I let it go. I let Regent go now, and I rest in your security and provision. I believe your Word to me today, and I confess that You are God and that You are leading me to Regent for your Name. This is all about your Name. So be it, Lord. Make this be about you, and about your work, and your plans. I trust you now, and I let this be. Lord be in the midst of this process. Be in all the details, and Lord, be in and through this process. I ask this now in Jesus' Name. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah (pause and calmly think about it).

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