January 9, 2013

Have I said that I don't like change...

Yes, change is inevitable, but frankly, I do not like it, and I wish it wouldn't happen so often. I am not someone who easily accepts change. I like to think I am flexible, moldable, adaptable, but I am not. I am a creature of habit, and I like the status-quo. I like to imagine change, and I like to think about what it might be like to experience change, but only from a distance, and not first hand.

Yesterday, at work, my boss let it slip that my company may be considering a change that could impact our group. While it would be a welcomed change, it would cause great havoc, and a prolonged stress that I don't think any of us want. Yes, we are stressed already, and we are working hard to try and fix problems, clean up the mess of what was supposed to be a change that would make our lives better, our jobs easier, our days smoother. Not. The change we have experienced has not made anything better, and in fact, it has made it far worse. Not only for us, but for our entire company, and our customers. It was a bad decision, a bad choice, followed by a bad implementation, and an ongoing bad experience.

Now, there may be some hope on the horizon, but to get there, it means long-hours, hard work, and prolonged stress. The good news is that the outcome will be brighter, and eventually be a good-thing, produce good results. The path to get there, however, is rocky, and difficult. It really is a choice between two evils -- one we know, one we don't. One has the promise of hope, one has no promise at all.

Of course, I am glad that I don't have to make this decision. I simply do what I am told to do. I am glad that in the end, I can say "I am just low-man on the totem pole." I really do not have any say in the matter. I go where I am told to go, I do the work assigned to me.

To say that I am stressed -- well -- there are no words to even describe what I feel today. I am stressed beyond measure. I am still walking, PTL. I am still able to think, Amen to that. But, I am sick to my stomach over the issues at work, to the unknown fear looming at my door, and to the change that is up ahead. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to go through it, and I want this all to stop.

I know -- I feel like crying like a little baby. Stomping my feet, and tossing a major temper tantrum. I can do that, you know. I am an adult, a grown up (grup), and I can do whatever I want. Will it matter -- laughingly -- no! Of course, not. I can stomp around, toss things, and generally be disagreeable, and it will have no effect what so ever.

In this grown up world, the only people you can manipulate are the people who allow you to manipulate them. I have no power, I have no authority, and I have no control over anything in my life.

The short and the sweet of it is that I am powerless. There is no human help, and there is no cavalry to rush in and save the day.

Psalm 108

A song. A psalm of David.

My heart, O God, is steadfast;
    I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Awake, harp and lyre!
    I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.
Save us and help us with your right hand,
    that those you love may be delivered.
God has spoken from his sanctuary:
    “In triumph I will parcel out Shechem
    and measure off the Valley of Sukkoth.
Gilead is mine, Manasseh is mine;
    Ephraim is my helmet,
    Judah is my scepter.
Moab is my washbasin,
    on Edom I toss my sandal;
    over Philistia I shout in triumph.”
10 Who will bring me to the fortified city?
    Who will lead me to Edom?
11 Is it not you, God, you who have rejected us
    and no longer go out with our armies?
12 Give us aid against the enemy,
    for human help is worthless.
13 With God we will gain the victory,
    and he will trample down our enemies.
Human help is worthless -- so says David. I agree with him. Human help while at times can provide aid, and comfort, often falls short when the real trials of life (or in his case, enemies of state) crash around you. In my situation, I am safe. I am protected, and yes, I don't have an army camped against me (well -- there is a spiritual army out there that would really like to see me trampled down). I am facing human enemies, people who make decisions that do directly impact my life. I can accept them or reject them. I can allow those decisions to impact my life or I can, in many cases, walk away from them.
I am free to quit my job. I am free to walk away from it. In doing so, however, I may find myself stuck in another job that is far worse. Yes, I could also find a job that is far better. It can go either way, either way.
As I sit here this morning, drinking my coffee and contemplating my day, I realize that I am in a position of total dependency upon God. I do not want to do anything to hurt or jeopardize my families well-being. I don't want to hurt myself, and stress is a big no-no for me. It causes all sorts of problems for me (from headaches, to stomach, to IBS, to chronic fatigue, etc.). I need a job that is stress-free or at the least, less stressful. I want to make good money, a good paycheck, and the two -- stress and money -- seem to go together in this crazy world of ours. You cannot have one without the other.
Today, I am dependent on the Lord for His Comfort and His Provision. I can choose to live with this stress or I can choose to run away from it. I can choose to place my trust in Him, and REST or I can choose to continue to fear and hide from any and all stressful situations. I am done hiding. I did that for so many years, and I made the commitment to the Lord saying I wouldn't do that again. I hide in Him, in the shadow of His Almighty Wings -- but I don't hide from life, from the world, or the circumstances I find myself in.
God is so very Good to me today. He knows me. He knows how I feel. I take comfort in that fact -- that He knows how I feel, and that He is ready to stand in for me. He has taken all my penalty, He has taken all my sin. He has stood in my place, and once again, He stands in for me. He takes the assault from the enemy, and He wages war and battle against the forces of evil. He is victorious, He is King. I am nothing, I am not able to stand on my own two feet. I am beaten down, and I am unable to defend myself. My King can, and does defend me. He is my Champion. He is my Husband, my Father, my Keeper, My Savior, and my King. I bow before Him this day, acknowledging that my help, my needs, my everything come from and through Him. It is to Him, to whom I give the Praise this day. My His Name be Praised forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah (Pause, and calmly think about that).

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