Yes, I cannot leave this be. I am letting all sorts of thoughts run amok in my head regarding how well I did or didn't do on my interview on Friday. I absolutely hate it when I mess up, when I miss a queue or when I am caught unaware. I do not think well on my feet. I am a studied person, someone who likes to think about things, really review and analyze them -- before I say anything. Whenever I am asked for my opinion, I tend to give a shallow, superficial answer simply because I haven't really had time to think more deeply about the subject. However, with time, and more concentrated effort, I can substantiate my answer fully, and with far greater clarity. I wish I could do this the first time I am asked, but alas, my brain is not wired for that kind of quick-thinking.
So as I beat myself up over missed answers, and my efforts to convince myself that I am not doomed to fail - the Lord has come to my rescue. He has helped me understand something I didn't grasp fully. He has shown me that my interview at Regent is a very small part of the overall application process. I have done well in every other area, and my credentials are very good. I am a very strong candidate. Although I don't present well on the phone, my application stands on it's own merit.
I took some time this morning to read through the graduate catalog again. I had read it two years ago when I was first looking at programs. The catalog clearly states that this program is interdisciplinary. It also addresses the issues of students coming into the program without a graduate level research methods course (I haven't taken one yet). I am sure the faculty would like all students to be prepared on entrance, but for some of us, we do not have the requisite statistical analysis courses. So be it - a statistical analysis course is just one more class I will have to take to proceed down this path. It is just a class, one class, and it will not sink my ship.
Moreover, as I looked through the catalog again, I realized that the program is a good fit for me. I have been asking the Lord why He chose Regent for me. I mean, I don't have a background in Communication, and this field is foreign to me. The Lord has said that this is the program of His choosing because of the emphasis that Regent has upon Missions and equipping Christians with the communication tools they need to share the Message of Christ. The faculty have a heart for missions, and they are actively working in outreach efforts (through teaching and/or training). Lastly, the faculty are well-equipped to train others, and are willing to be used in such a way to help prepare new leaders to go out into the world and do the work God is calling them to do.
I struggle some with the fact that I do not have the experience to do this work. I wish my resume was a perfect example of a communications specialist, but it is not. My resume is a mismatch of experiences, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. It looks like I have never done anything, and when reviewed, it engenders more questions than answers. I cannot help my lack of experience nor can I help the fact that I have worked in a variety of positions, none really leading anywhere but to a paycheck.
I think it reminds me of the kinds of people God calls for His work. God chooses the weak, the inexperienced, and people who lack confidence to do the work He needs completed. In this way, He receives the Glory and Praise. He prefers to use people who don't have the skills they need, who are not ready to "go." God looks at the heart, and He longs for people who are willing to go. He is able to equip, to build up, to prepare -- but the heart must be willing to go.
My heart is willing. I have said this to Him over and over again. Lord, I will go -- Lord send me! He knows my heart. He knows my frailty. He knows I lack confidence, and I self-condemn. He knows that I have never felt that I was worthy of anything special. He knows that I am a wallflower because of years of criticism by others who told me "you are nothing special, you are not good at this or that, you are a nobody." Yes, it is true. I was told these things when I was young, and it is very hard to remove those thoughts once they become ingrained in your mind.
I know that I am someone because of Jesus. I can do all things because of His finished work on the cross. I am good because He is good. There is nothing in me, no power, no understanding, no way for me to be or do what He is asking of me. Yet, He calls me to go. He asks me to be willing to let Him change me, to grow me, to prepare me. He is sending me where He chooses, and I am willingly following after Him. I go because He has asked me to go. He has said, "Carol, I will not send you or I will not open this door, if you will not go." I have said, "Yes, Lord, I understand. I will go." Then the door opens, the way becomes clear. God doesn't start things and then not finish them. We have to be willing to go the distance, to do everything He asks of us. We cannot start a path, then stop and not go on further. We have to keep moving towards His plan for our life. He will do what is necessary, what is needed, what is required...we are to trust Him, to rest upon Him, and to listen for His word that tells us to "Go - get going."
I have heard your voice tell me to go do your work. I am willing, Lord, I am willing to go and do whatever you ask of me. I am afraid, and I hear the voice of doubt telling me I am not good enough to do this work. I ask now for the confidence I need to keep moving forward. I rest in your Name, and I let go of these details. I cannot do anymore, I cannot plan or prepare anymore. I can only do what is next up, and I can rest in your sufficiency, in your preparation and in your provision. Thank you, Lord -- you are great, and you are worthy to receive all praise. Amen, so be it, Lord. I let this go now, and I trust you for your way. Let this be, Lord. Let this be.