I guess on the upside, working from home, does have some "benies" since I can do my work in my PJs! In the past, I was able to get more work done, but lately this has not been the case. All this Privacy stuff has really clogged my workload, and prevented me from doing my normal job. I am about out of that assignment, and I think next week should prove to be more manageable (yes!) So really, I am thinking that with everything I have gone through, and with all the new changes planned, my best option is to stay where I am (at CVS) and not try and find a new job.
I was looking over my benefits/compensation package again, and truthfully, I am making a very good income. I still sweat over making my monthly payments, and at times, I do feel the pinch of not having quite enough to go round. Generally speaking, however, I am good. God has provided enough income to me to cover my needs. I am blessed.
I wish I had just a wee bit more, for comfort-sake, but I am trusting in His timing to provide that to me. My attitude at work has been really poor, and while I don't like to blame others, I do feel that the overall environment has not been conducive to keeping a positive and upbeat attitude. I am trying to be positive, and for the most part, have been successful at doing so -- it is just that my team mates don't share the same positive approach, and well, the negativity seems to be pervasive. Isn't that true in other areas of life? It seems that negativity spreads so much faster than positivity. Oh well...
I am determined to try and keep my ship afloat, to not upset the apple cart, or allow the negative-Nancy's in my life to pull me down and keep me down. I am tired, so very tired -- of everything -- yet I know that this too shall pass. I will overcome and I will be victorious in Jesus' Name. I will find the strength to see this through and to work through the issues, the concerns, and the doubts -- I will not give in nor will I give up.
I have said "I give up" so many times that I honestly think the Lord laughs at me. Really, I think I hear Him chuckling now because He knows me so well. I say "Lord, I give up!" and then I pick up the plow and muddle on through -- grumbling, complaining, and generally being miserable. He knows me. He knows that while I want to give up, to give in -- there is something inside of me -- that just makes me keep on moving, keep on "keeping on."
Yes, it is FAITH! God has given me an extra helping of the "Faith" gene, and I cannot help but believe that what He has asked me to do is possible. I grumble, I complain, and at times, I stomp my feet in frustration and exasperation. Yet, I don't stop moving, I don't stop walking on after Him.
There have been times when I have sat down, just plopped down in the dirt and refused to get up again. I have been ill, and overwhelmed to the point of utter confusion. I sat down to rest, and didn't want to get back up again. The Lord patiently waited for me to get myself ready, to pick myself up, and to make up my mind that it was time to stand up and start walking again. In those times, I felt pitiful, and I thought the world was coming to an end. I didn't realize that my sitting down "on the job" simply made it impossible for me to see the road ahead, to see what was coming up around the corner. Had I stood up, I would have seen that I was almost at my destination spot, a place where the Lord had planned a rest for me. Oh no, I was tired, and I was upset with God for making the road so hard, the journey so long, and the pace so quick.
It took me a couple times of sitting down before I realized that He has rest-stops planned out along our journey. Just like our modern freeways where there are rest stops every 50-100 miles, the Lord has planned rests for us so that we do not wear ourselves out with non-stop moving. Sometimes we rest for a short while, just get some refreshments and sit a bit to air out; other times we rest a long while, staying put in one place so that the dust settles, and we can unload our burdens, our packs, and our goods. Yes, God is Good like that - He knows we cannot walk on without these rest periods on life, and that if we do, we will hurt ourselves or we will arrive at our destination not fit to do His work.
I know that there are times when the journey between those rests seems unbearable. I just came through one of those difficult times -- I literally believed I was not going to make it. I was tired, ill, overworked, and overwhelmed. Yet, here I am, now on the other side, and while not completely at rest yet, I am able to see the rest stop up ahead. It is not too far off, and I know that with a steady pace, and a strong sense of perseverance, I will make it to the stopping point, and I will be able to rest, and rest well.
God knows me well. He knows what I can and cannot do. I must continue to trust Him, to believe in Him, and to know that His way is Good. I am in a good place right now, ready to rest, but still moving forward for a short time only. I am excited to think about that rest stop up ahead, and I know I will enjoy the time when I finally arrive. I am so ready to rest.
You have given me the ability to believe, to trust, and to rely upon your Word. I know I grumble and I complain a lot, especially whenever I don't feel physically well, and when I think there is no way out. You are steady, my Rock and my Refuge, and I know that my hope is placed firmly upon the One who is more than able to work out everything in my life for Good. I thank you now for the Grace to hang in there, to stick this out, to see it through to the end. May your Name be Praised forever more. Selah (pause and calmly think about that!)