March 16, 2013

Registration for Classes

I am still waiting to hear if I received a scholarship for graduate study. I am hoping that I receive some award in addition to financial aid. I really don't want to take more student loans (UGH!) I know that God has got me covered, and He is working behind the scenes to make this come to pass. Personally, after having worked at a University, and been a graduate student -- I know how special it is to be selected for Doctoral studies. Not everyone who applies is accepted; therefore, I know that God is IN this and that He will provide a way for me to pay for my education.

I logged into my student account, and I have been awarded more student loans. I accepted them - with hesitation - as I wait for the awards committee to complete their work. I have a high enough GPA, so I cannot think that I wouldn't receive some assistance. Academic Scholarships pay out up to $5850. I am hoping to receive this award or one of the school's tuition waivers, which would alleviate all my tuition.

For now, I am content to know that I do have my tuition and expenses covered. I am still not sure about summer nor how I will pay for my trip to Virginia Beach. I am excited though to think about taking a trip to VA! The last time I was in Virginia, I was ten, and on a summer holiday with my parents. We visited our friends in Richmond, and then spent two-three days at Williamsburg (the start of my love affair with all things Colonial). I was determined to grow up and work at Williamsburg. I so wanted to wear a Colonial outfit, and pretend to make butter or serve in one of the lovely restored homes. Oh, the indulgences of youth!

I am thinking now about my plans for summer and fall. I have registered for one course, Introduction to Doctoral Studies. I thought about taking six credits this summer, but now think three credits is good enough. I have so much to do, what with moving into my parents rental home, and getting DJ ready to attend school. This course will be enough -- and will give me the time to get settled into my new home, and my new routine.

I am also considering job options. I received a call from our Privacy office last week, probing to see if I might be interested in applying for an upcoming position in Government and Privacy (Legal). I said "yes," though I am not really sure whether I want to stick around at CVS Caremark. I don't want to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but truthfully, I am burnt out on the workload, and the stress. I would welcome doing something less intensive.

I have a couple options, but so far nothing has materialized. I considered applying for adjunct positions at our local schools. I considered going back to UOPX and working in some other capacity. I have applied numerous times to GCU and ASU. Nothing seems to be opening up to me, and I am not seeing any movement on those fronts. What does this mean?

I know that God has a very good plan for my life. I see His hand moving in certain areas. I see good things happening for me. The problem is that I am not seeing everything fall into place, just odd items, a little bit here and there. I think this is His way. I don't think He always fixes everything at the same time. I think He moves here, and then there, and in the end -- it all miraculously works together -- it fits. I am short-sighted, and I am often wrong in my understanding and interpretation of things. It is not a mystery why I have "big picture" vision, and short-sighted ability when it comes to details. I get the IDEA of things really well. This comes to me quickly, and I see it - I get it. I struggle in the muck and mire, the down-and-dirty, the nitty gritty of the details. I lose my control, my confidence, and my faith when I am forced to consider the details. I so want to understand, I so want to see the whole puzzle.

Alas, I must be content. I must let this be, and let go of my need to control the details. God knows I am not good with details. I am such a big picture person, and details are confusing to me. I get confounded, and I must control them -- I must hold on tightly to them or else fear losing something of value. I understand now that my need to control is based on my vision, my inability to see the forest due to the trees. I stumble blindly about, seeing everything so clearly in overhead view. I walk into trees every day, and to avoid the hurt, I stare down at the path, and follow every rock and boulder to make sure I don't fall.

I get it, I so get it. I have been struggling to control the details because this is what I do. In every area of my life, I live by the list, the post it note, the must-do or die approach. I cannot let go because then I would get lost, I would lose my way. I have trained myself to be thorough, to be disciplined, and to be focused. I have used my mind to memorize factual details so that I wouldn't forget anything important. I have become so obsessed with details that I cannot function without a daily to-do list.

The funny (ha ha) thing is that my natural state is to blissfully walk through this life with a somewhat spacey look on my face. Yes, as a child I was that "lost" little girl who played with imaginary friends, who spent hours digging in the dirt, oblivious of the time. I was always late, always behind, always last to get in, to accomplish anything. I was out of step, out of time, and I never could remember anything important.

I learned how to be in control once I started working. I had to be on time each day, I had to have a system of organization to make sure the daily tasks of my job were completed. Truthfully, I never was a very good worker. I always showed up late, and I always missed the cue.

God has been gracious to me. He has helped me be organized. However, I see now how much I hate the work I do at CVS Caremark. I sit at my desk every day and think to myself -- "I don't know what I am doing." Partly this is because of the volume of work. I see my colleagues with their spreadsheets, their organizational systems. They are always entering data, checking this or that. They plod on, they accomplish much.

When I am asked for details, I can barely recall. I have to resort to my steno pad and look up my notes. I cannot answer quickly, and on calls, I stumble and bumble about. Yet, when it comes to understanding issues, to seeing how to resolve problems, I can listen and then formulate a plan. I can think through scenarios quickly, and produce plausible paths to follow. I am very quick at solving problems, very quick at seeing issues, roadblocks, or hazards.

Yes! This is because of my overarching ability to see the whole picture. I am a visual-spatial person, and I am working in a nuts-and-bolts type job. I need to be working in vision, working in a position where I can use my abilities, my strengths and not my weakest areas.

UGH! I understand now. I am always choosing positions that focus on my weak areas. Perhaps this is God's will, to help me build up those areas. Yes, this is very possible. However, I believe that I tend to choose these kinds of jobs out of habit. I tend to look for work that is purely mechanical because in many ways, these kinds of jobs are easy for me to do. Yet, my strength is not here, not in this kind of work.

Hmmm...why Lord? Why have you chosen for me to grasp this today? What plans do you have for me that require my understanding of my key abilities and strengths?

Dear Lord,

I ask that you help me to understand what you want me to know this day. May your will be done, always -- first and foremost -- and may I reconcile myself to the truth of who I am, and what I am best suited to doing. I know you have a good job in mind for me, and I know that my studies at Regent are all part of your plan. May your will come to pass, and may I receive the blessing you have in mind for me this day. I ask all this in Jesus' Name, Amen! So be it, thy will be done. Selah!

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