May 18, 2013

Rethinking the Past - Envisioning the Future

Good Saturday Morning! It is a good day to be alive!! God has been so good to me this week. Though I am burnt and beat (tired), I feel alive and I am good. I give him thanks today for his goodness toward me, and for his grace which covers me from head to foot.

It is hard to believe that it is almost June! My how this year has flown by!! The new year came and went quickly. My work at CVS Caremark has finally taken a turn for the better, and I am starting to get some work/life balance. Hooray! My living situation is in flux, but I am confident that the Lord will see me through the next couple weeks until I can feel settled and comfortable again. Healthwise, I am struggling still - not feeling 100% due to allergies (mostly), and stress/exhaustion. However, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online, and so far have lost about 3 pounds this week. With diet modification, and weight loss, I hope to be feeling more energized very soon.

I seem to be on a whirlwind path right now. My doctoral class is good. It isn't quite what I expected, but I think I will like it. The blackboard system at Regent is clunky, and the class is mixed (teachers, pastors, writers, artists) that it is hard to know whether I should just be friendly or academic in my approach. I don't know really - I tried the academic approach, which I don't think went over well on my first assignment. So I am going to try to be friendly in my writing style, and see if that gets more response. Oh well...

My family is in town this weekend for my mother's 80th birthday. She is excited to have all her kids here, though she had wished she could have seen all her grandchildren too. She is missing three of her LA grand kids (one is married now, the other tied up with work, and the third actually lives in Iowa and couldn't make the trip). Still she will have all four children, and three grandchildren to celebrate her eighth decade on this earth.

God is so good to have helped heal her from that miserable pneumonia she had at the first of the year. She is recovering nicely, but she repeats herself a lot - something she didn't always do until this winter. I need to not remind her of it, but some times I just blurt it out. I know it hurts her feelings to remind her that she is repeating herself, but it is a point of concern. My Aunt has a form of dementia - it is called Vascular Dementia, and it was brought about by a long-time ago head injury. My Mom has similar signs so I am hoping it is just normal aging and not anything more serious. It is mostly her short-term memory, but I can tell her long-term memory is not as good as it was. She cannot remember when things happened or where we were living at the time. This is one of the reasons I am moving in with them. Mom's memory is failing, and my Dad is not able to care for her due to his disability. She doesn't need full-time care or anything like that -- but I am moving to be a comfort to my Dad and help carry the load so that Mom doesn't worry and Dad can rest a bit.

I digressed there - sorry about that.

My week at work has been good, busy but good. I am project lead on a project with our vendor. I will be travelling to Chicago next week for a meeting. I am excited about the opportunity to travel, and I am looking forward to being able to visit some other places in the country. I will be travelling in June to Regent so within the past two weeks and zooming forward into June, I will have visited St. Louis, Chicago and Virginia. Nice.

Home life is wearing down on me. My husband asked me for a divorce two weeks ago. I think he feels that since I am moving in with my parents, there is no return to our former married life. I was very upset about it initially - I mean - it has been almost three years since we started to fall apart. August 2009 was when I discovered that he had rekindled a relationship with a college girlfriend via Facebook  Though I don't believe that ever amounted to anything - there were other issues that surfaced that caused us to separate.

Counseling didn't help us stay together (it helped me personally), and in the end, I felt that I had no choice but to move out on my own. We still see each other at church, and make sure to have breakfast together each Sunday. He has not made one move toward reconciliation in that time, and I did patiently wait for him to return. I prayed for him to return, and I trusted the Lord to motivate him to return to his family. He never did anything. Not a word, not an "I am sorry" - nothing. He has told me how difficult things are for him, that he is suffering. He hasn't said "let's get back together, let's try to make it work." I don't understand it.

God asked me to be kind to him, to show him compassion and mercy. I have done this, and I still do it. I have forgiven him, and I do not hold any bitterness against him. I just don't get why he never said a word to me. He told me he didn't want our marriage to fail. He didn't want to be seen as a loser. Ok, I get that too - but marriage is more than that, much more than that.

I lived in a one-sided relationship for too many years, and I struggled to live under his authority - showing him respect, giving him love, and cherishing him. I held to my vows and I committed to love him in sickness and health, richer and poorer - the good, the bad and the ugly. I thought that was love - mature, Agape love. To love regardless of the situation. To hold on and never give up. To fight for what you love, to die for it, if need be.

I never got that kind of love in return. Even in our separation, I never got anything from him. There was no mention of love, of missing you, of needing you -- wanting you back. It was never spoken, never mentioned. I waited to hear the words, but they never came for me.

I moved on. I moved to where I believed the Lord wanted me to go. I enrolled in college, completed my Masters degree (now working towards a PhD). I started in the lowest of low positions - working retail until I could find a good paying job. I moved from University of Phoenix (Enrollment) to CVS Caremark (Analyst) and now am being considered for Project Management roles. I am moving up financially, positional, and authoritatively. My life seems to be moving in one direction, away from my husband, and towards some place in the distant future. I see the possibilities of where I might end up. I know that I am blessed, and I am favored at work. I am earning good income, establishing myself as credit-worthy. God has repaired my broken life and given me a new life, a new hope and a new future. I am going places now, and it is exciting.

My heart still yearns for companionship. I have strong desires to be married. I miss having someone near me, to hold me, to help me carry the load. I miss having a friend who knows me well.

God has stepped into that void. He is my companion, my travelling buddy,  my friend. He holds me up, he cares for me, and he carries the load. I look to him for my future, I rest in his security and I trust him to guide me each and every day. He is my life. He is everything to me.

Still, there is a whole in my heart where there used to be my husband. I still love him, I still care for him. I wish he felt the same towards me. I don't see it now, I have never seen it in the past, and I have come to accept that I never will see it in the future.

So I walk on. I walk into this glorious future that I believe the Lord has prepared for me. He calls me toward this bright light, he fills my heart with hope, and he sustains me when I feel so very faint. He has plans for me, I know it. He has a future shaped for his Name. I know I am purposed, and my life is focused on accomplishing his will. God is good that way. He is so very good to those of us who have been broken, who have suffered the anguish of a broken heart:

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3 NLT

God has healed me. I am a very different person now, fully in control and fully able to make good choices and decisions. God has made me new, brand new - just like his word promises.

"and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Eph. 4:24 NIV

I am new. I am living my life with new purpose and new devotion. God has set my feet aright, and I am walking towards Him and His Glorious Heaven. I am blessed. I am good. God is so very good to me all the time.

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