It is countdown minus 2 to D-Day - my residency stay at Regent University. I leave on Saturday to fly to Norfolk, VA and will be on campus M-F of next week. I am at home today, taking a sick/PTO day, due to extreme fatigue. I have traveled on business for two weeks in May, plus I moved my house (just me, my folks, and my 19-yo son). I have kept up with my studies, and I have handled a very large and important project at my job. I am tired, very tired, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the way out, and I am starting to feel excited about my trip. God has blessed me so richly. He has helped me stay focused, and to complete each assignment. He has given me grace, grace, and more grace -- and I am feeling the affect of His constant presence and provision. He is so very Good, He is so very good to me!
Studies and Plans
I made the decision last night to forgo the academic writing, and stop trying so hard to sound "smart." I have a tendency to be erudite (Oh, I love that word), and I need to write simply and cogently - to be clear and concise. I can do this, I know I can. I need to let the Lord speak through me, and I need to allow Him permission to direct my writing. I know that if I do this, my work will succeed. I will complete my assignments with less stress, less hassle, and less dread. I will do the work assigned to me, and God will receive the honor and the blessing. Bless the Lord, O my Soul!
I have had to complete two short papers. These went well, I believe, but I have no real gauge since my professor doesn't enter grades into the grade book. I have a personal statement (written last night), plus a journal review and a preliminary proposal to finish today/tomorrow. Once these are done, I can complete the rest of my reading, and be ready for next week. I am not sure what or how I will get these done, but I know that this is up to the Lord. He has to do it through me, and once they are complete, I can relax and let be.
Lord - please give me your grace today to complete these assignments and finish the work I have to complete for next week. I am asking you to write your words through me, and to write whatever you want me to convey to Regent, my professors, and my classmates. I ask now that you be honored and lifted up - that you take all the credit, all the glory, and all the honor. I relinquish my desire for grades, for achievement, and for power. I let this all go, knowing that only you will be honored in this pursuit and that I am your tool, a resource you are using to accomplish your plans. I am letting go of these needs for approval, my fear of being rejected, and my control of circumstances. Please guide these remaining assignments, and let the words flow freely from me so that I can rest, I can relax, and I can be reassured that everything is good, and you are in control of the outcome. I ask this in Jesus' Name, and I give you all the praise! Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!
I have applied to a couple positions at ASU and PVCC - local schools. I am tired of what is happening at my job, and I am worried about the workload this fall. Now is the time to move, to go to another position. I am not sure what the Lord wants me to do, and normally I would wait for Him to direct me. I have asked to start applying, but I haven't seen any real movement one way or another.
Lord - please direct my steps in regard to a job. I let go of my need for authority, and for my desires to be promoted. I also let go my need for money - my fear of having collectors and tax men at my door. I realize that these are old fears, fears that were part of my experience in my marriage. I have been free from those fears since I have relied upon you alone, and you have been faithful to provide exactly what was needed at each and every turn. I look to your hand now, realizing and understanding that you are God, that you are able to provide a job to me, and that you know each and every need. I rest in your security, and in the knowledge that you are in control of this situation, and I am well covered. I ask you bring to me a job that will not conflict with my studies at Regent. As far as the job itself, the tasks, the money, the insurance benefits, etc - these I leave to you. I receive the job of your choosing, and I ask that you provide this change in your perfect timing and in accordance to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' Name I ask this - Amen!
Lastly, I lift up my needs for weight loss, and my concerns over my current physical health. I signed up for Weight Watchers earlier in the month, and had a good start - 3lbs lost. However, with travelling twice and the move, I gained that weight back. I am frustrated, and I am fearful of being this size from now on. I am not well, and I am tired - I need to lose the weight, to feel better, and to know that I am living healthy.
Lord - I have tried to lose weight my way. I did Atkins, and I signed up for Weight Watchers. You have told me the plan you want me to use, you showed it to me - The Daniel Plan. I started to follow it, but lost my interest and ended up trying my own way. This plan is hard for me, it is restrictive, and I don't like it. You said it would make me healthier and give me more energy. I cannot seem to follow this plan. I cannot give up the foods I love, and I cannot give up the comfort I feel when I eat them. I relinquish my need for food today. I realize that I am addicted to certain foods, but really this is a power struggle with you and with food. I need to control food because of the years I lived where I didn't have enough to eat or I wasn't free to make food choices. I remember how I suffered having to eat the same foods every day, Mac and Cheese, pasta with marinara sauce, peanut butter and jelley -- over and over again -- day in and day out because there wasn't enough money to buy other food. I had to turn down offers for lunch at work, to forsake times with friends because I didn't have enough to eat. I have come to hoard food now, and to believe I deserve to eat food because I can afford it now. Help me to turn my upside down view of food around so that I understand I do have freedom to eat - but that I need to use wisdom in my food choices. Let me see that I am still empowered to choose, I need now to choose my carefully, that is all. I ask this in Jesus' Name, and I rest in your provision of enough food, and enough freedom to make those good choices. Thank you, Jesus! Amen.