July 4, 2013

Crushed

I am crushed today. My world is crushing down on me, and I don't know what to do about it. I have prayed, and I have quieted my soul to listen, but right now, I am in that place of silence, where there is no answer, now way out, no open door. I know I am making a really big deal of it, but truthfully, I absolutely hate change. I hate how I feel when things are in flux, and how I stress over every tiny move, left or right. I know the Lord has moved in my life, and that He has created change -- this change has caused me to be off-balance, and to feel as though my life is spinning out of control. Let me explain...

I am what is called an INTJ personality. I represent about 3% of the total population when it comes to personality types and theory.

I am a rational/mastermind (another term), and as such, I tend to plan out my life, and create a path that is set and ordered. I like things to be very ordered. I don't like fluctuations, and I am not flexible (even though I often say that, it is not true). I am very steadfast, faithful, and loyal - all good traits - but I am not the "go with the flow" type of person. Usually, when I do go with the flow, it just means that I don't have a care or a preference for the direction. It is not important enough to me to weigh in, so I am "OK" with either move. This is probably why I say I am flexible, when I am really not. I can be lazy, and not interested, and that covers for my so-called flexibility.

So to bring things into focus and add some clarity - it was last week or so when the Lord and I had a conversation about my current predicament. As I recall, I cried out to Him, begged Him to release me from my current work (yada yada yada), and He said something along the lines of Him moving, and that change would come into my life. In short, "Hey, Carol - be prepared. I am moving, and this will bring change, and you will not like it!" (My words of course, not His). Cringe. I cringed when I prayed, "Yes, Lord. So be it." I remember the details slightly, and they had something to do with the fact that I was not willing to move to VA Beach now, and that I wanted a different job here in Phoenix. The details blur because I feel like I am living on a merry go-round. I  mean, I could have repeated this conversation (me and Him) two years ago and it would have been about UOPX. Then I could have reached back further, and it would have been about Macy's. Pattern emerging here? Yep, it is ME, all ME. I am the reason why I feel so yucky. I am the sole reason why my life is where it is, and why I stress and strain to get answers. Simply put, I don't listen, and I don't obey.

Today is the 4th of July. It is a day off of work, and that is a good thing. I am at the computer blogging because I got socked in the stomach this morning. I went out to all the jobs sites (a normal thing for me to do), and I realized that there is nothing I want to do for work. I simply do not want to do any of these jobs. I hate my current job, I hated my previous jobs. I hated working on my own, and I hated being in my own business. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being loving the job, and 1 being loathing the job, I would rate my professional career as follows:

  1. McDonalds (age 16) - 1
  2. Western Boot store (age 17-18) - 4
  3. Mall work (age 18-19) - 1
  4. Nutech Engineers (age 19-20) - 3
  5. CompuServe (age 22-23) - 3
  6. Britton Lee (nee Share Base) - 8
  7. Apple Computer (temp) - 5
  8. IBM (temp) - 3
  9. Share Base (nee Britton Lee) - 4
  10. Desktop publishing (self) - 2
  11. Shirt Store (temp) - 1
  12. Preschool Director at Church - 2
  13. Web Designer - 4
  14. Grade School Director at Church - 3
  15. Macy's - 1
  16. UOPX - 4
  17. CVS Caremark - 2
There you have it - low marks equal poor overall job satisfaction. The only job I liked/enjoyed was the job I had at Britton Lee when I worked in Computer Operations. I actually did like that job. I didn't like the managers, but I liked the work. It was administrative/technical, and I liked that I worked with computers, and could pretty much do whatever I wanted.

I've worked at a lot of jobs over the course of my life, and I have not really liked any of them. I have done the work because I needed the job, and I made the best of the situation, but there was always some factor that ended up forcing me to leave. I think it was personal - you know - interpersonal relationships as well as corporate decisions that were illogical and not in the best interest of the employees.

My reasons for loathing my job now are the same: a manager who micromanages everyone, and policy decisions that are inefficient, illogical, and unproductive for staff and colleagues.

So what do I do? 

I need to work. I have bills to pay, but I keep thinking about my career progression, and how hard I have worked to get my resume "current" again. If I quit now and go back to work for myself, I throw all that hard work out the door. If I take another "corp" job, then I sign on for more mismanagement and idiocy. 

I am a leper. No one wants to hire a 50 year old woman with a lot of education, but no progressive history. I am sunk. I feel worse now then I did when I was still idealistically looking for work in 2010. I feel like I am dead in the water, not going anywhere, and not going to get a call, a look, or even a consideration. I am nothing.

Alright - I have to do something, I have to work. I would love to be a perpetual student, but right now, I don't see that working out for me. My personality type is the issue, I know it. I am independent, and all the issues I have cited above, are the direct result of my personality clashing with other people, typically those in management above me. ARGH!

Ok, so my typical response at this point is to recognize the futility of my complaints, and pull myself up and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I do not tolerate inefficiency, and I do not tolerate emotional upheaval. I need a plan of action, and I need a plan now. It is pretty obvious that my plan has been thwarted, and that without a plan, I falter and find myself feeling this way. Clearly, the Lord has altered my trajectory, and I need to reconnect with His plan to ensure we are going in the same direction.
  1. Validate the plan
  2. Confirm the direction
  3. Isolate areas of confusion and determine root cause
  4. Reconfigure steps to avoid confusion
  5. Identify new steps around confusion
  6. Look toward the future and create a path to reconnect with the Lord's overall plan
  7. Start moving forward towards that plan
  8. Feel better!
Lord, I need to validate, confirm, isolate, reconfigure, identity -> so I can reconnect with your plan for my life. Once I do this, I can move forward and I will feel better (settled and on the right path). I ask now that you would reveal to me what I need to know so that I can make these changes, and move forward toward where you are waiting for me. Thank you for helping me see that I was whirling about in the dust, and not moving. The longer I tarry here, the more frustrated I become. It is a no-win situation. However, you are up there - up ahead of me - and I just need to catch up to you. I am coming Lord, I am coming. I will follow, and I will obey, and I know this will all make sense to me very soon. In Jesus Name, I ask for your help today. Amen, so be it, thy will be done! Selah!! (Pause and calmly think about it!!)

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