July 5, 2013
Happy Day After the 4th of July
Good 5th of July! I hope you all had a restful and celebratory holiday yesterday! Mine was very quiet, with not much celebrating going on. It was nice to have a day off mid-week, and since it is so hot here in Phoenix, it was even nicer to be able to stay indoors and enjoy the cool AC.
Nothing much happened yesterday other than a nice BBQ dinner with my parents. I still wasn't feeling 100%, and I am still having some dental issues, but mostly, I think I was just tired from all the hub-bub and hard work of the previous 8-10 weeks.
Notwithstanding the dental work, I just finished up my first Doctoral course, and while it was not as difficult as I had imagined, it was still difficult and so very different from any graduate course I have taken thus far. I had to write shorter, but more concise assignments (always a challenge for me to be concise), and I had to start to think like a Social Scientist. I think the "thinking part" was the most difficult. It took me a good 6-8 weeks until I felt comfortable writing and thinking like a Communications scholar. Nonetheless, I am pleased with my performance in class. I don't have my grade yet, but I am hopeful that I got an "A". I know - A-schmay! Yes, I cannot get away from the achievement aspect of school, and for me, that means getting all "As."
In thinking through my current path, and the plans that are in place, I realized that my struggle wasn't so much with what God was asking me to do, but rather with God Himself. I am struggling against a Mighty Force, and I am losing the battle. You see, it took me until late last evening to grasp that I have been hitting my head against a Giant Wall of Immovable Force, and that nothing was going to change for me until I gave up and stopped doing that to myself.
I know what the plans are, and I know that I am on the path of His choosing. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed at the tasks before me, but so long as I keep looking at my hand, and my strength, I will remain overwhelmed. I have to stop looking to myself to accomplish these tasks - they are too high for me, too hard and too difficult. I am like David facing a Giant with 5 smooth stones. I am little, and the giant I face, is far too much for me to tackle. Yet, with God, all things are possible. I believe that I am called to complete this work, and as such, there is nothing or no one who will stand in my way. Therefore, if I focus on me, then all I see is the inadequacy, and the insurmountable task. Yet, if I look to Him, then I see that He is able to do this, and that He desires to do it. I am nothing, but He is everything.
So with that understanding, I am ready to start moving forward. I don't know how I will get through the next four-five years, but I know I will not be alone. I don't know what kind of job I will do, but I know that I will do some kind of job. I don't know how all these classes will be paid for, and how I will manage them all -- but I know that He will provide for me. I rest. I trust. I rely. I am safe, and secure, and I am good.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is a new start for me to begin to walk in faith, and to trust and rely on Him. I have said I would do that before today, but I wasn't very consistent in doing so. Instead, I am looking to Him to show me how to walk on through this trial, how to find the way through it, instead of out. I wanted a way out, but now I see that He has determined that I walk through it all.
There are times when God provides an open door, and then there are times when He asks us to trust Him and walk on through. I am at one of these points, and I have to trust Him and walk on. I know that I am not necessarily happy about doing that, but He has something wonderful planned for me, so I walk on. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy, per se. In fact, I am simply OK with it. I would have rather taken the exit ramp, but this is OK as well. I will just walk on and see what is on the other side of things. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side of this trial. Perhaps...
I am ready to start, and I am ready to Go, Lord. I ask that you now lead me on, and take me to the place where you desire I be. I am willing to do all the classes you ask of me, and I am willing to do whatever kind of work (job) you bring to me to do. I don't have to like it, and I don't have to be happy about it. I have to be faithful to do the work, and I have to remember that you are providing this to me, so I give you thanks for each and every opportunity, good and bad, easy and hard. They are all your hand's provisions and ultimately will be for my good. I know this and I rest in that knowledge.
Thank you, Adonai - I praise you today, and I thank you for your provision and your goodness towards me. Amen, so be it, thy will be done! May God be praised today, and forever more.