August 3, 2013

All Quiet - Something must be wrong?

Ever get the feeling something was wrong because it was too quiet? This is how I feel today. I don't really think anything is wrong. In fact, I don't feel panicked or anxious about anything. Something must be wrong because this is NOT my normal state of things!

I remember my Mom used to worry when things got very quiet. Never would she find my brothers and I sitting quietly in a corner, reading or playing a game. Nope, usually, that quiet signaled the start of something really BIG. BIG like an explosion (my brothers were always building or blowing things up - I mostly tagged along with them).

My normal is not QUIET. On the outside, my life looks pretty low-key, hum drum, and very quiet. On the inside, however, my mind races, and I am constantly working on plans, on projects, and on purposes. My life inside is far from quiet. It is not a raucous concert by any means. I would say it was more like the constant hum of a motor or the tick-tick-tick of a nice watch.

This past week has been anything but NORMAL for me. First off, despite the fact that I had two days off (one planned, one not), and one work from home day in between, my workweek was odd, off, and just awful. Some things are heating up again at work, team members are feeling the pressure, and while I am on my way out (only 20 more days), I still feel the pangs and pricks of the hostile environment.

Second, my training with GCU started on Monday. I was disappointed to say the least. I felt that the online training was difficult, and the faculty services group absent. I was not the only person enrolled in the training. Most expressed frustration over the process of a passing grade, of broken links, and generally, of having to figure out the online training on your own. Perhaps that was the point of it all? I don't know, but thanks to my IT/techy background, I did fine. I took the lead, asked questions, went outside the system to get the answers I needed. I passed, and I am OK, but there were others in the group who seemed lost, and I felt really bad for them. They should have been shown what to do, and definitely given more instruction. Besides, this tool and training is to rate new and potential faculty - so frankly - the instructional system lacked BIG TIME. Again, perhaps this was the purpose - I don't know - I just think that they could have made it a bit more user friendly than they did.

Third, I was disappointed that I was scheduled for two classes only. I was told I would get three classes, and that is the reason I took the job. I cannot live on two classes - I am making minimum wage. I budgeted for three, I turned down a full-time counselor position for three, and here I am sitting at this point and only scheduled for two. I am not a happy camper.

Last, despite all of the issues with GCU last week, I decided that I am actually liking my class at UOPX. Hard segue-way, I know. My class at UOPX started on July 23rd, and I really didn't like it. I didn't like the 4 out of 7 days posting, the 2 substantive posts, the general panic over whether you are doing enough in class to get all your points for the week.

It took a week before I decided that the class was OK. I like the instructor, and I am learning a lot about research. I feel that the content, while easy, is good. I am doing well in it (it is after all a bachelors level course), and I like the team I am in for the class project. My team is strong, and our project work is going well. I am getting full points for my individual work, and full points for our team work. I hope I will get an A in the class.

So my week in a nutshell has been off, just plain off, the normal routine. I have blitzed through it without much care, yet I have worried about things being too easy, too good, too together. Not everything is as it should be, meaning GCU, but I am not panicked over these details. I know God has some plan in mind, and I am still going to walk away from my job at CVS Caremark.

What is He up to? What is He doing with my life?

Truthfully, things are not good, on face value. I am leaving a full-time benefited position in 20 days. I am starting a part-time, less than satisfactory paying job, without any contract or commitment to future earnings. I am walking on in faith, with absolutely no certainty that this is the way I am to go. I am not worried about it. I am not gripped with fear over it. I am just walking on through it, and I am thinking to myself that something doesn't seem right. I mean, shouldn't I be angry over all this change? Shouldn't I be upset that my promised course load is less than promised? Shouldn't I be up in arms over the fact that I will have no solid income in less than 3 weeks? I should be stark raving mad right about now, but instead, I am cool as a cucumber, and resting in the sufficiency of His Good Name.

I am not boasting. I am not bragging. I SHOULD be panicked. This is my NORMAL. I should be upset, and angry, and worried, and stressed. These are my typical behaviors whenever anything changes in my life. Yet, I am calm. I am at peace. I am settled.

Yes, I have questions, and I have doubts. I pray to God and I ask Him -- "Lord, are you sure everything is OK?" I question my seeing ability, knowing it is short-sighted and flawed. "Lord, I am not seeing how this is going to work out? Are you sure I am on the right path?"

Still, I sit here and think "What in the world are you doing, God?" What are you up to in my life?

Something has changed. Something is happening. He is moving and changing and re-arranging my life. I feel it, I sense it, but I am not panicked by it. I am just leaning on Him, resting, and waiting for Him to do whatever He is doing for me. He tells me He has me covered - I am covered by His Grace. I know this, I know this is why I am OK today. I ask Him about the situation, and He tells me to rest. I say "OK" and then I sit at His feet, and drop all those tiny boxes of worries, of doubts, and of fears. I let them roll out of my hands, into my lap, and fall down at His feet. He picks them up, and keeps them for me. I let them all go. I sit there by myself, with nothing in my hands, nothing to contribute, and I rest. I let Him do it all. I let Him be Lord. I let Him control the details, and make the moves. I watch, I follow, and I listen. He does it all, and it all works out for my good (Rom. 8:28).

Yes, God is good. All the time, God is GOOD.

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