December 18, 2013

Feeling Blah Today

Yep. I feel "blah" today. I woke up feeling this way. I am not sure why, I just feel out of sorts today. It all started this past weekend, this blah feeling. I am not sure what happened to make me feel this way, but I have been under a little cloud for the past couple days.

I thought I was feeling "blue" - depressed, but when I went to look at pictures of what blue looked like, I realized that I wasn't depressed or sad or lonely. I am just feeling "blah."

It may be the Christmas season or it may be that I have nothing to do right now. It surely is a mix of emotions, and I know that my current financial situation has a part to play in it. I am feeling overwhelmed right now at the thought that I will have money going out and very little coming in over the next four-five months. I am doing something I have wanted to do for so long, but there is no real income associated with it. This is exactly how I felt back in October when I started to look for a new job. I gave up  my IA position because I was worried about making ends meet. I found a job that paid really well, but when I got hired and started the job, I realized that it was not the job to satisfy my "inside" self.

Perhaps all this feeling blue, blah, and out of sorts, is God's way of reminding me that He is the only ONE able to satisfy my inner needs. He knows my financial need well. His WORD says:

Don't be like them,
for your Father knows
exactly what you need
even before you ask him!
-Matthew 6:8 NLT

I met with my husband and some of his clients on Monday. I am helping one of his clients with a website this month, and he had asked me to come to the meeting to pick up some information I needed to get the project started. I went of course but while I was there I kept thinking "this is not me...why am I here." It was awkward. It was not right and I knew it. Let me explain...

I met with his client (and her friend), and when I was asked to tell a little about myself, what could I say? I am not a web designer anymore. I am helping him out because he asked me, and I have free time to do some contract work. However, I am not "into" this work anymore. I mean, I am, in a way, but not the way I once was. It is weird to explain, and it might not make any sense. I am no longer "that person" -- the person I was when I was married and when I worked with my husband in his business.

When I was asked what I did for a living, I said "I am a Literature teacher at Grand Canyon University, and I am working on my PhD in Communication." Yep, this is the exact truth. I am a teacher of college English and I am a full-time student. I may still do some contract work, but I am not that old person. I am no longer defined by that kind of work.

I sat through the meeting and the thought kept coming up to me -- "this is so useless, I don't care about these things anymore, I am no longer interested in doing this kind of work."

I was trying to explain this to my Mom yesterday. We had gone out to breakfast and I was saying how I realized that I am not an analyst or a marketing communications professional. I am now a teacher of English, something I wanted to be 20 years ago, but never had the opportunity to be because I chose a different path. I am now on the path that God provided to me, and in His plan, I am getting to teach English. I am also a full-time student, something I wanted to do over 20 years ago as well. It seems like everything I wanted back then has now materialized and I am following that path. It is almost as if God picked me up and put me on the path that He wanted me on all those years ago. The truth is that I didn't make this happen. I didn't say "I am leaving my husband to go and become a teacher." That just happened one day. I was blind-sided and I found myself single and without any direction. The Lord opened up a door, and I walked through it. Sure, I was in prayer over the decision and moving out of my marriage and into single life was not something that happened overnight. It took a long time, a very long time, and there was great suffering involved. I am here, however, on the other side of that move, and now I am walking in a different direction.

I think the reason I am feeling blue/blah is that I realized that I am so far away from where I once was that there is no way for me to go backwards again. I walked away from everything that was part of that life, and that means that I cannot tolerate doing that kind of work. The entire meeting, while I was trying to be attentive and supportive, was a measure in how long I could be patient -- until I could leave. Then I left and the funny thing was that I talked with his one client for about 15 minutes in the parking lot. Not about the job, but about her personal life and the grief she holds due to her husband's death in 2012. I thought "she needs me to listen to her now" and I did it. I listened, I encouraged, and I ministered to her. I finally did leave and that was when I realized that my life was about something different now. I don't care about marketing and helping people make money. I am about making a difference in people's lives and helping them see Jesus - to find faith, to be encouraged, and to trust in God.

Yes, my life is about ministry now. In my teaching, in my school work, and in any other contract work I may do, I am to do it all for His Name and to reach those that He sends me to reach. I don't have to go looking for work. He will bring it to me. I don't have to worry about money or how the bills will be paid. I am to rest in His sufficiency and to trust Him for His provision.

I am a teacher now. I am on this path because it is the path of His choosing. My life is in His hands, and I don't have to think about how to makes the ends meet. I have to let Him lead, and I will follow Him. I feel better now. I feel OK. God has helped me see that my life has changed indeed.

For I know the plans I have for you," 
says the LORD. "They are plans for 
 good and not for disaster, 
to give you a future and a hope.
 ~Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Update:

I took most of the morning off so that I could drive my Mom to the shops. She can drive herself, but prefers for me to drive her whenever I can do it. We ended up shopping a little bit, having some lunch, and then coming home early so she could rest (she is 80, after all). I am feeling better now, a whole lot better, than I did this morning. In fact, a funny thing happened while I was typing on my blog. My husband came by the house to pick up our son. They were heading out to that client's storage place to photograph some of the deceased husband's medical equipment (to post on Craig's list). While he was waiting for our son to get ready to go, he asked me what I thought of the client meeting. It was a weird feeling to be having this conversation. I shared briefly what I thought and then said that I was happy to be helping this person out, but that I didn't think I wanted to do this work full-time anymore (in truth, not at all). I got the feeling that he wanted me to hurry up and finish this job so that he would get paid (I am so skeptical). I said I would do some work today, but I left the final result open-ended.

It is a funny experience for me -- to be so nonchalant about work.  Usually, I am panicked and paranoid about working/money. Instead, I am calm and I realize that there is nothing I need right now. The Lord has me so well-covered.

I am sitting here at my desk thinking about my life and I realize now that I am exactly where God wants me to be. He is in full-control of the details and I know He has great plans for my life. I am resting in Him, and I am content to know that He is in control of my life now. God is Good -- all the time -- He is Good.
  

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