February 20, 2014

Feeling Weird Right Now

It is Thursday, and today is a good day. I don't work on TTR's which is such a blessing to me. My MWF is devoted to my one class at Grand Canyon University. I am enjoying teaching Literature, but I am getting that "I'm over teaching" attitude. You know, it happens in most jobs. You start out with bright hope and optimism, and after the honeymoon wears off, you are left with the realization that the work you are doing each day is just a job. It pays some bills. It is a place to go to each day, and while you are thankful for the opportunity, it is not the end-all and be-all of your happiness.

Well, for a Christian, their job, while great, is not meant to be the source of their happiness anyway. The Lord is the One who provides that -- the Joy of the Lord is our strength -- and He is the One who fills the void in our heart, meets the needs, and satisfies the soul. I still look to a job for satisfaction, and I do want to be happy in my work. I just feel that teaching is laborious to me. It doesn't come easy for me. When I was working as an analyst, that work came easy for me. My brain is wired to be this way, and so I enjoy solving problems. I like to be able to make problems go away. I like puzzles, and I like to put the pieces together to make things whole. Teaching is difficult. I spend a great deal of time putting lectures together and trying to make sense for my students. I don't feel like I am succeeding, though my students seem to appreciate my efforts.

So here I sit today, thinking that I am not really into teaching. I like it, mind you. I like the variable schedule. I like that I can have two days off each week. I don't like that I make $50 per day teaching a college Literature course and that I have no benefits (not even Obama Care). I don't like that I feel as though I am wasting time working at something that I don't enjoy. Yet, I think about where I am today, and the fact that my doctoral program is so difficult. I cannot tell you how difficult my doctoral program is and how I struggle just to get through the assignments and research. I am thankful that I can work part-time right now, at least for this semester. I don't know what I will be doing this summer. I don't know what kind of money I will make, but I am trusting the Lord to provide for me. He knows what I need, and He will provide. He is good that way.

This morning, my parent's small group had their February chili lunch. It was supposed to be held here at home, but I told Mom that I thought she should host it at Church. It only made sense, we don't really have room here. So I helped crate everything across the road to our Church, and I setup the room for the 13-14 seniors who come to Bible Study each Thursday. I stayed for lunch, and then helped to clean everything up. It was nice, and the food was good.

Afterward, I came home, and I spent the afternoon napping. I was beat, bushed, and I needed a break. I am working on my COM 702 quiz for this week. It is so hard, so very hard, and I am struggling with statistics. I am doing OK on the labs, but this quiz is written with different language and frankly I don't know if I get it or not.

I have so much school work to do, and I have papers to grade for GCU. I am feeling the squeeze of being teacher/professor-in-training/doctoral student. It is such a blessing that I have TTR off. Praise God for He is so good to me.

...Then there is this business with my church. All I can say is that I am overwhelmed by what has happened at church, and that I am struggling to process everything that has changed. I accept the changes, of course, and I am happy for some of them (mostly for the board to finally understand that you cannot live above your means, no matter how much faith you have). I have had issue with the way our church spends money, how they spend it, and on the types of programs they spend it on.

Don't get me wrong, I think we need to support our Pastor and staff, and we need to give personally to fund the church programs. I just think that we must always do everything with balance in mind. You need to balance your budget and that means you cannot spend money you do not have.

I think the staff changes as a result of the budget concerns are good. I hate to say it this way, but I have always felt that we had enough staff to run our church before we added more last year. In short, I never believed that a small church needed so many people (paid staff). It was an issue with me, but I considered it to be OK since the church (members) went along with it.

So I am thinking about the people who were laid off, and thinking about what God has in mind for them to do. I have confidence that each will find his or her place, and that God will provide for them. I know God is good, and He will provide. Then I think about the people left here to do the work, this amazing, terrific and overwhelming work. The church is asking for volunteers to step up and take on tasks that might have gone to paid staff. I am OK with this too. I think the church needs everyone, time and talent, and not just money. I believe that God will see us through, and that as we rebuild, and we will rebuild, God will do things His way.

When it comes down to it, I have never felt that God was allowed to do things His way at this church. We had good people who were in charge, but they seemed to prefer to do things their own way. Now, we are moving forward as a family again, and in doing so, we are going to be OK.

I am feeling weird right now. I am feeling like there is so much to do, but that I am floating and not feeling very motivated to do anything of value. I feel restless, and I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I also feel free, and I feel that I don't have to struggle against the tide any more. I can let go, and let God do whatever He wants to do in and through my life.

Dear Lord,

So many changes have taken place right now, and I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I want you to know that I need you to settle this feeling of uncertainty about my future at GCU. I am praying that I hear which classes I will teach next fall, and whether I will be able to teach one or two (two is what you want, so be it). I am also asking for clarification on the path, Lord. I am focused on Regent and my doctoral studies. I need to know where I go and whether I am to stay here in Phoenix or continue to meditate on moving toward living in another state. I feel that you are doing something here, and I thank you for your way, your will, and your wisdom in knowing what I am to do. God, I praise you today, and I thank you that you know me well. I trust you now, and I let go, and let you lead me to where you will have me live, work, and rest in your presence. I ask all this in Jesus' Name now, Amen, so be it, thy will be done. (Selah, pause and calmly think about it).

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