April 29, 2014

Some More Stuff

My final research paper grade has been posted. I am pleased. I normally would find fault with 95%, but in truth, I worked so hard on this paper, and I think I did the very best I could possibly do. I got good feedback on my paper, mostly some technical issues only, formatting, and some style/layout weirdness.

Now, I need to wait on the extra credit lab I turned in to see if I end up with a "A" or an "A-" in the class. I would be OK with either, but keeping my 4.0 would be sweet. We will see what the end result is later today or tomorrow.

So I made the decision not to drive my nephew home to LA. Good thing too! I woke up this morning with vertigo. It just started about an hour again, and while not incapacitating, it is bothersome. Every time I turn my head, the room spins. I think it is allergies because I don't feel sick. My head is a little stuffy this morning, so perhaps it is just an inner ear imbalance due to fluid levels. Hopefully, it will go away on its own. I have papers to grade today, and right now, I feel like I need to lay my head down instead of reading student papers.

It has been nice having my nephew here for a few days. He is such a nice guy. He helps my parents out whenever he comes to visit, and always is so polite. I will be glad to have the house back to normal, though. It gets messy with extra people in it and being the Type A person that I am, I find that I am constantly cleaning up and putting things away. I am not a neat-freak (well, sort of) per se, I just don't like to have to wade through a mess.

My Mom and I get along well because we both like to have things put away. It is funny really when you think about it. When I was growing up my Mom was always on my case about cleaning up my room. She always tells everyone how messy I was when I was young. However, it is not really true. I can remember my bedroom from early on (age 6 or so) right up to age 16. It was always very neat and clean. When we moved to San Jose from Chicago, my new room was very small. I went through a messy stage for a short time period. I think it was because of the move, leaving my childhood friends, and leaving my school.

Later on, after I bought a waterbed (I had one of those pine carved Queen sized beds), I kept my room very neat and tidy all the time. I didn't have much room. The bed took over the entire space. Oh, I loved that bed. I slept so well on it -- and I loved the heater. I think I kept the water temperature right around 90 all year long. My cat, Snowball, loved it as well. She always slept on that bed.

I get frustrated when I don't have enough room to store things properly. I have lived in very small houses for a lot of years. I don't like to have junk around me. Right now, I moved my entire house into this shared home with my parents. I am living in one bedroom. It is tight, but it works. I got rid of a lot of my things before moving in with them. I have a storage shed in the side yard, and most of my special boxes are in there (like Christmas decorations, mementos from when my son was little, etc.) It is weird to downsize like this but the good thing is that if I ever do move again I will have almost no boxes to pack up and take with me (LOL!) Plus I figure that if I move out or in with someone else, I will just buy new things :).

This morning I had to confess to the Lord (once again) my failure to believe His word to me. This is getting to be old, really old, so I need to stop doing it (not confessing, confession is always a good thing -- it is the not believing His word!) The Lord has promised me good. He has provided abundantly, and He is faithful to keep His promises. As I sit here today I see His mighty hand upon my life and I see His fingermarks upon every decision I have made. He has orchestrated everything. He has moved me into the place of His choosing. He has made my life rich and rewarding. He has brought me good, and He has shown me the way to go.

There are some things He has promised me recently, things that I thought would never be possible in my life. These are things that I believe He desires for me. His Word in Psalm 37:4-5 says:

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires.  Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you.

I believe, and I have believed for a number of years now, that if you take delight in Him (make Him your center, your whole focus) then this verse is His promise to you. He will give you the desires of your heart.

In my case, it has certainly proved to be true. The Lord has given me the desires of my heart over and over again. Often, the desires I have are new to me -- meaning that they are not necessarily desires that I have harbored for a long time. They are new or seemingly new. They appear in my heart one day, and after some time considering the feelings associated with them, I accept them as His desires for my life (His perfect will).

I know that the desire to go to graduate school, to get my PhD was a desire He gave to me in November of 1992. I remember the day when I first began to think about getting a PhD. I was meeting with one of my professors from SJSU and she casually asked me if I had thought about getting a doctorate and becoming a professor. I said that I hadn't thought about it because I never considered myself to be that good of a student. She told me that I should think about it because I was that good of a student. Her words sat with me for a couple days and I marveled about them. They seemed inconsistent with reality. I was not a good student. I was a C-student, average, and that was on the best of days. Yes, I was keeping a high GPA at SJSU, but my community college grades were not that good. I wasn't graduate school material.

Yet, something about that desire stuck with me. I found that I wanted it so badly. I remember thinking that I would die, literally die, if I didn't go to graduate school. It was like this desire came out of no where, hit me broadside, and left me reeling from the sting of the smack. I had to have it, I had to do it, and nothing, nothing, was going to stand in the way of doing it, of accomplishing it.

Of course, that didn't happen. I made choices that kept me from following after that desire. The desire, however, never dissipated. I can remember asking someone about desires and how to know if they are from God. This person, an older and Godly woman, told me that if the desire was from God, it would never go away. It might simmer on the back burner until the timing was perfect, but it would not go away. Other worldly desires, fleshly desires -- these she said -- would go away in time.

As I think back on this particular desire, I can truthfully say that it never diminished for me. It did simmer a long while, but it was always there, always part of me.

Now I have learned that Godly desires, the desires He places in your heart, are His promise to you. They are there for a reason and He has given them to you because they fulfill His will in your life.

In my life, I have few desires. Truthfully, I am content where I am at right now. I love my life, I love my family, I love my teaching job, and I love my schooling. I know the plans He has for me, future plans for ministry work, and I love the new ideas, new thoughts, and new desires that He puts in me that are part of His will. I don't really desire anything outside His will for my life.

Worldly, fleshly desires are scant in my life. I have enough of everything, and I am well-cared for where I am now. There are things that I miss, friendships, companionship, etc. but these are not so much desires as just experiences I used to have and enjoy.

There is one desire though that is new for me. It is new and it is not something I created. I believe it is His will as well, but I am struggling to understand it right now. I am content to be solely devoted to Him. I am content to spend the rest of my life alone. Yet, recently, He has put the desire in my heart to seek out a companion, someone with whom to share my life going forward. He knows my situation. He knows that I am living in this weird quasi-separated-married-not divorced state. He knows my heart and how much I loathe divorce. He knows that when it comes to His Law, I am fixated upon it. I love His LAW! I love His Word, and I take His words very, very seriously. However, there is this desire in my heart, a new desire that will not go away.

It started about four weeks ago I guess. I was driving home from GCU and I was talking with the Lord (I do this all the time and I am sure people in the cars next to me think I am so weird!) I was talking through the plans, school status, work status, ACU, etc. I was just going over where I am right now, sharing my doubts, my worries, my fears -- you know -- just praying out loud in a conversational-like way, when I heard these words come out of my mouth:

"Lord, what am I going to do about David?"

David is my husband. I then said, "Will we be divorced?"

Yeah, not anything earth shattering, but it was just weird that the words popped out like that because I have not really asked the Lord about divorce in a really long time. It is not that I haven't thought about it. We are living separately and he has moved on with his life. There is no reason to keep on being married. I will not go back with him. I will not return to him.

My issue with divorce is wrapped up in the LAW, that is all. I have an issue with it, and as such, I have been unwilling to start the process, to initiate it.

I am not sure what the Lord said to me, I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember hearing me say "I will be divorced, Lord. I will do this if it is your will."

Like I said, nothing earth shattering really, but something happened to me once the words came out of my mouth. I felt this sense of relief, as if I had been holding on to a piece of paper for far too long. The only thing binding me and David together was this little piece of paper.

Over the weeks, after that conversation with the Lord, I began to notice a change in my heart. I also began to notice my feelings toward David change. We are reconciled, we are friends, but not lovers. There is no love there, and there is nothing that would make that love be there except for a miracle of God. A couple Sunday's past, as I talked with him, I began to see him differently. I began to think that there was nothing left between us. It was like he was there but I had absolutely no feeling for him whatsoever. I mean, I like him, but only because he is DJ's dad. I don't feel anything for him anymore.

Then one day about two weeks ago, I was praying again, about stuff (school mostly), and I asked the Lord if I could be married again. WOW! Like this was out of the blue, but there you have it. I just blurted it out, and I remember thinking that it would be nice to be married again. I can tell you that this was not some wishful thinking on my part. Anyone who knows me knows that I have said in no uncertain terms that I was going to be single the rest of my life. I was NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!

The words just came out of my mouth and then this feeling came over me. I felt excitement at the thought of it. I started to think about it more and more, and frankly, I have to say I have been obsessed with the idea of it.

This is SO NOT ME!

It is not like I am looking for anyone. I cannot look. I am still married. I see guys walk past me and I honestly do not look at them. I don't check them out. I am oblivious to them. 

At first, I thought it was the feeling, the rush, of making a decision to pursue divorce after holding on for so long. But then I know myself well. I know that I am not like that, I don't do "rushes." Now I am thinking that the Lord has put this desire in my heart for a reason, and that it is His will for me to meet someone and to be married again.

What do I do?

My brother just signed up on Match.com. He has been divorced about four years, and he is looking for someone. He told my Mom he had signed up and that he has had like 40 'interests' or whatever you call them. My Mom thinks I should do this too. I said, "NOT!"

Then there is my cousin who met his wife on Christianmingle.com. He was divorced for years, and never was able to meet anyone through normal channels. He actually met someone from his own town on an online dating site!  My Mom thinks this would be good too. I said, "No thanks, Mom!"

I have heard horror stories about dating websites. I worked with a girl who was on them a lot, and who had quite a few dates with very strange men. Her stories of dating sent shivers up my spine.

Oh, I am so not doing this, I am so not going that way. I am NOT signing up on a dating website, that is for certain! I would die, literally die, if I had to put myself out there, hang the shingle out and advertise that I am looking for someone! I don't even think I could "date" a person. I mean I hated dating when I was single so why would I like it now? Men scare me (LOL!) Yeah, it is true. I like men, I like them a lot. I like them as friends, and I have always gotten on real well with men. I like men as bosses, as co-workers, as colleagues and peers. I just don't do the dating men thing very well. In fact, if I were to be honest (and I am ruthlessly honest), I have only dated six boys/men in my entire life. I only had one boyfriend (high school) before I met my husband. I dated my husband for two years before we married. Most of the in betweens were one date only. I went out once and ran as fast as I could away from these guys (they were all nice guys too!) Men are just weird. They scare me, and I freak out whenever I am in a dating type situation.

I guess the problem is that I only know two ways of being affectionate. There is the sister-me and the wife-me. I don't know how to handle myself in between. It is off or on, and there is no middle ground. I think in some ways that is Biblical. I do not seek male friendships, in fact, I have many male "friends," but we are not friends at all. We have conversations in groups, laughing fun, but never alone. Nope, I am too straight arrow for that kind of thing (I know some women who have very close male friends -- that just doesn't sit with me at all).

So there you have it. I think I am a lost cause. I do not date well, and I do not do the "dating" thing at all. I don't even remember how to date, you know, what to say, how to do it, where to go. UGH!

My only hope is for the Lord to find someone and bring him to me. I need the Lord to do this because I don't trust myself, and I don't want to meet anyone who is not approved by Him. Plus, I think I need to meet someone as a friend first. I need to meet someone who will be patient with me and understanding and just be a friend. I think that would be best. Oh well, if this desire lasts, then I have to believe that the Lord is working behind the scenes to bring this desire to pass. If it wanes, then it is just a fleshly thought that will be replaced by some other thought.


You know me so well. You know my life, and you know my thoughts and my feelings. I trust you this day to do your will, plain and simply, your will. I want your will in every area of my life, and I look to your hand of provision. You will do whatever you think is best, and I will rest in your sufficiency and your provision. I praise you this day, and I thank you for my grade (grades). You are God, and I love you, I worship you, and I praise you! Amen, so be it, thy will be done! Selah!

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