May 15, 2014

A New Way of Thinking

It is another beautiful day in Phoenix. The sun is out, and the skies are clear. The temperature is supposed to be in the low-mid 90s, which really is not hot (like Midwest hot-with-humidity hot). We should have mild breezes which will blow warm, dry air -- the dry part is key -- because this is what acts as an evaporative cooling mechanism to help cool the body when outside. In all, I love this time of the year -- PRE 100s -- when you can still get out side and enjoy the beauty of the desert!

Today is a good day (isn't every day a GOOD day?) for me. I am looking forward to tackling my school work and to getting scheduled (finally) so that I can begin making headway in my courses this semester. I have been LAZY, and I have not read as much as I should be reading. I am PROCRASTINATING, which is never a good thing, and especially not when it comes to doctoral study. It is not too late, I have not passed go yet, and there is plenty of time to get caught up. Today is my "getting caught up" day! LOL!

I don't have much else planned besides school work. I am thankful that I have this time off (Oh can I really say that?) I mean, I was panicked over not working this summer, but frankly, I am enjoying the blessing of having the downtime, and being able to do my school work in this way. Last semester, my schedule was jammed packed, and I rarely had time to rest during the week. I have (so far) caught up on a slew of recent movies (thanks to Netflix and Amazon Instant Video), and I have been able to get to bed before midnight (hooray!) I feel better thanks to my new diet/fitness routine, and I am getting plenty of sleep. I am doing well, feeling good, and I have a lot more energy! God is good, so very good to me!

Hard transition: This morning (just an aside) as I was reading Facebook this post came up on my feed:

You are the answer to someone's prayer! Someone is asking God to bless them with a relationship and you are everything their heart desires!

I thought to myself, "Yes, may this be true!"I would love to think that there was someone out there asking God for a relationship with me. Wouldn't that be sweet?

It is not that I am looking for someone, per se, it is just that the "thought" of there being someone out there asking God for a relationship, and God deciding that I am that perfect person for that relationship -- well -- that just makes me smile.

God is good, you know that, right?

God is good, so very good. He knows me well. He understands my needs, and He longs to meet my needs. He meets all my needs with sufficiency, and so while I am not seeking a companion, I am open to meeting one should the Lord facilitate such a relationship.

I know it seems weird to even consider a relationship at this point in my life. I am in the divorce process, and I will not be "free" to date anyone until August or September (depending on the court system). I don't think I am ready to "date" anyway (in a traditional sense), but I am open to a friendship that would work into a more significant relationship. I would like to meet someone eventually, this is for certain, and I would like to be able to have a partner, friend, companion, so on with whom to share my life. I used to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone. In fact, if you read back on my blog (2010-11), this was my firm stance. Never getting married again. Never. Never. Never.

Over the past couple years, God did something in my heart and in my mind. He changed me. He put right everything that was wrong, and He restored me to a place where I am functioning properly. It wasn't that I was dysfunctional really, I think it was more that I was living a life outside His will for me, and I was having to compromise to keep that life going forward. I was making decisions that didn't align with His plans, and while I was faithful to my former husband, I wasn't being faithful to God (if you know what I mean). I was doing what I thought was right, and not what God said was right (Is. 55:8).

Once the crash came, reality sunk in that I was to be divorced, etc., God gave me time to decompress from my marriage, to come to terms with being a single person, and to learn to enjoy my life as a single person. I think He gave me plenty of time to focus on rebuilding my life, and He worked to challenge me with school, jobs, etc., so that I didn't really think about my "single status" much. In many ways, He kept me preoccupied with the business of living until such a time that I could reasonably and rationally consider the next 40-50 years of my life.

I am not young. I am going to be 52 this October, and with that fact, comes the recognition that I could live another 30-40-50 years depending on His Will for me. Do I want to spend the next 30 plus years alone? Do I want to give up the good things that come with marriage just so that I can be alone? In truth, the answer is no. When I think about it from a very logical perspective, I realize that while I long to be alone, to have "my space," I also realize that God did not create me to be alone. He created me for fellowship and "fellowship" comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. The WORD says that it is not good for Man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). God created Woman for Man (and vice versa). God knows that deep inside of each of us there is a desire to be with another person. We long for this type of companionship, this type of intimacy, and this type of relationship. God knows this because it is His design.

I believed for many years that God had made me to be single. I believed it, and it made sense to me, given my marriage experience. However, as I now consider the past 30 years of my life, I realize that in some ways I was designed to be single -- my personality lends itself to being alone -- and I enjoy quality alone time. Yet, I have always enjoyed single friendships, if that makes sense. I am not the type of person who has boatloads of friends. I have lots of acquaintances, but few real friends. It has always been this way, and I think this is why I tend to find myself flying solo a lot of the time. I am solitary, but I don't always want to be alone.

If I look back over my life, I have always had two or three close friends. I love my dearest friends. They are more like sisters to me than friends. I love them, and I cherish the time we spend together. And, while I love my friends, my sisters in the Lord, there is a part of me that longs for and aches for the satisfying companionship of someone closer than a friend. I want to share my life with someone who will be with me, near me, and beside me all the days of my life. Yes, I want to be emotionally connected to one person, the one person who God brings to my life, so that I can have that desire satisfied. I think this is the missing element in my life. I think this has been the missing element in my life for the past 30 years. I think this is the one thing I long for, but until recently, couldn't express it or accept it as fact.

Maybe walking through the divorce process, giving my ex-husband (ooh, I said it -- I said "ex") his freedom, allowed that need to percolate up to the point where I could face it, own it, and accept it. Yes, I think that God knew in His time, I would come to understand these deeper needs, and that I would accept the fact that I need close friends (sister friends) and that I need a husband.

I have accepted both, and in fact, it wasn't until last year, that I confessed to the Lord how much I needed close friends. I can remember the day when I cried my heart out before His throne, and I acknowledge my loneliness. I prayed and I asked for a friend, just one, who would support me, love me, and be close to me. The Lord provided abundantly for me. He gave me a circle of friends through Regent University, with whom I will cherish and remain close until my dying day. He answered my prayer in abundance, and I am blessed every day when I chat with them on Facebook, call them on the phone or Skype with them so we can do 'face-time!' God has graciously and abundantly met my need for friendship.

So now I am asking Him, in His time, to bring me a husband. I don't know when this will be or if it will be, but there is this part of my heart that knows He will be faithful to provide for me. He will do it, and the man He brings to me will be the man of His choosing (of this I am certain). I will wait, of course, and I will patiently follow the Lord until the time of His provision. I will trust Him to provide, and I will rest in His decision as to the person, etc.

Until then, I am good, I am good, I am so very good.

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